A
female
age
41-50,
*allenn angel
writes:why is it that the good ones get hurt? ive had a terrible experience with my previous boyfreind.abuse of every kind.just when i was getting back on my feet,which might i ad took me five years.i met this man.he was funny,sincere,kind..allthe things i ever wanted.i trusted him with my darkest secrets.he made me promises of a full life.i left my everything and came to london.i lived in a house which belonged to him.we fell in love.i have never had such feelings. we have had arguments like any other couple.but always went home every night.he was my god.i believed and trusted his every word and move.i knew he was married, but separated,5yrs before he met me.always pushed for him to divorce his wife because he made plans to marry me,have a little baby,small house,small car and be happy.he always told me that he had responsibites.that he could not be mine as such.not yet. i love him that much that i said i would wait..we could do all those things,and when he is ready..he can come to me.it was brought to my attention that he has 2 children with his wife.the reason why he wont divorce her.14 and 11.he says that we could never have a child because he does not want a spotty kid knocking on his door in 18yrs time.he would buy me a car.a second hand mrecedes a-class.his wife drives a range rover jeep and a bently gt(that hurts im just worth second hand) he is building himself a house which will be worth 9 million,do not want to think the kind of house his wife lives in.me? i am living in a house which he knock down for development.but, he will put down a small deposit for a small flat somewhere for me, so that i can manage the morgage.just over night..the man of my dreams has taken my everything,my sense of mind,my heart,my dreams..over night!what do i do?since i have been with him.i have been on benifits.the only person i had human contact with for 3 years was him,unless i was paying the woman at waitrose.and..i used to carry my shopping by bus or walk! the man has 4 cars on his drive. he has been good thou.i shant knock him(lol) i just am angry.only if he had told me the truth,layed his cards on the table..it was up to me if i wanted to pick them up.but he didnt..and now im broken.please tell me what to do.i am so lost.confused.hurt.i was even going to attempt to hurt myself.all i ever did was love him.give him good sex.and all my time...please help me.please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2012): I've been a mistress too and was left all alone. I asked him for a reason and he said he is not able to love two people at the same time and is not able to manage his personal and professional relationship because of me. He suggested me to marry someone else and to help him in his work as I am working below him but just wanted to be like friends and always hurts me to forget him and our past life which I can never do as I love him even now. I went to a situation where I have tried to kill myself but unfortunately I'm still alive to see him happy with his wife who also works in the same office. Most painful thing is he begged me like hell to leave him and his wife alone. This is how men are, this is what they finally do to us. Please don't believe married men ever.I have now finally decided to become a nun so that he would understand me and my love for him. I always wanted him to be happy no matter he ditched me like hell. I am going to the Church tomorrow to make him understand that my life is only meant for him and that I can only share my feelings and my everything with him alone and no one else.I request you to please leave him even before he leaves you as he will for sure one day, you will not be able to bare the pain thereafter. Hope you listen to me please please please don't become like me one day losing all hopes and everything else in life.TC Dear...!!!
A
female
reader, ruined +, writes (14 October 2009):
Well, it was nice to read you email and the quote"we accept the love we think we deserve" comes to mind.. your not the only one to fall victim, i believe its a fantasy inside each and every woman.... however me despite almsot going down the same road had it far worse at least he wanted you close. mine not even close ... nights of despair wondering why i wanst worthy of his love........why he would give others and yet not me.keep strong believe in yourself ditch him and see ... life begins and attraches that which you desire and deserve... create it
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): First get over it, a married man separated or not is still a married man. I can not believe you went into this relationship with such big blinders on! I've had several of these type of relationships and find it quite to my liking. I have my freedom, my life and no true worries. I put money aside and go to bed at night and sleep quite well. Most women (90%) aren't able to have this type of relationship because they want more. You want what she has and darling, it isn't going to happen. Get out, find yourself a man that wants you like you want him and don't compare! Apples and oranges. Take the flat and run! Don't waste another thought, because it isn't really love you think you feel, it never was. You went in with blinders on and believed all the bs right from the start and that isn't love, it's called fiction. Learn to love yourself, live by yourself and be happy by yourself and then let someone in that will love you for you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Are you retarded? This kind of spineless ranting will get you only more of the same. Everyone goes through these moral problems. We want what we shouldn't have. Believe me, I understand. I really do. Some things: stay on birth control. Do NOT get pregnant with a man's child when he is not married to you or committed to you FULLY. You need a real education. Screw what kind of car he should buy you - have him buy you an education. If you want to continue your relationship with him, then have him send you for your Bachelor's degree then get your Master's degree. Have a plan, honey. And all the while, do NOT pester him about anything - just get your degrees, make your life happy, and one of two things will happen. When you get your Master's degree, he will be begging you to be with him, or you will be begging him to leave you alone. Turn your attention away from him and concentrate on what's BEST for your future. The sooner you realize you are in charge of yourself and your future, the better off you'll be and more able to take life by the balls. It's tough out there and you need skills to succeed. Without a man. You can do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): Anonymous male reader from 2-14-08, you don't have to let her go...you want to. Own your choices man. You're afraid of losing your cushy life with your wife and family. If you truly loved and wanted to be with your mistress, you would be. Turn off the pity party and drama. I see you for what you are.
Let me tell you, I was once married to a controlling, self-centered woman. We had children. She emotionally abused me and our kids. I left her and married my mistress. That's right...I stepped out of the familiar and followed my heart. We've been married for over 5 years now, and it just gets better with time. She's my soulmate, my one and only. I was married too young the first time...didn't know what love was truly about, but I know now because I have it. This woman worships me and I worship her. More importantly, my children from my previous marriage love my new wife and they get to see what a loving marriage is about---not a loveless, hateful one. Staying in a marriage 'for the kids' is the worst of reasons.
Now for you, fallen angel. Dump him. Have no further contact with him. If he doesn't see and appreciate you, let him continue on in his misery with his wife. There's a man out there that will love and respect you. This one does not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): All your replies have come women. I am a married man with a wonderful wife and 2 beautiful kids. But I also have a mistress. We have been together for over 3 years. Sadly, she is a foreigner and her work permit is expiring next month. She has decided to go home to seek a new life ie find a nice man and get married. She is 31...not young anymore. I really dont want her to leave me. In all honesty, we are very compatible sexually. I think this is very important in a relationship. That aside, I also love her very much. She has been very cold towards me lately. Its because she wants to gradually ease herself out of the relationship else the breakup will be too painful to bear. I firmly do not want her to leave and have offered plenty of options, including having kids, giving her my investment property etc. She has refused all. What she wants is a man to sleep with every night. Someone she can have dinner with every evening, and breakfast every morning. I cant leave my family, and so I cant do so. Like it or not, I will have to let her go. When her permit is up, she will take a plane and leave for home. I cannot do anything to stop her if she does not want to stay. I even offered to maintain the relationship whilst she is back in her home country. She said no because it will be all too painful. Should there be a time when I have to choose who to remain while (assuming my wife one day knows of the relationship), I am likely to choose my wife and kids. That would be disastrous for her if we already had a kid then. I am happy that you want to remain with the man. I wished my mistress feels the same. I am sure she wants too, if I wasnt married. However, I cannot give her a satisfactory reply when she asks if I can spend the night, every night. Bottomline, I just have to let her go. And you should just go, much as you dont want to. I wish you good luck. I myself have cried in the past days, but I just have to let her go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): KARMA
I caught my husband in an affair,I was devastated someone he met off the internet, I cant tell you how much I think of this woman and how I feel hatred and feel sorry for her that she thought that my husband would leave me for her. She had the nerve to tell me all the intimate details only to hurt me more so who are the good ones who get hurt? Sorry I have no sympathy for women who think they can be better than another woman by trying to steal thier man..KARMA IS A B&^^^ by the way MY HUSBAND BEGGED FOR MY FORGIVENESS and never called her back! What does that tell you...I WAS REALLY SPOILED THIS XMAS AND HOW!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Honey, you already know the answer. If you don't love yourself enough to get out of this situation now, how could he? He isn't going to change, but you can. Leave him and don't ever get involved again with a man who has a wife.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Hi,
The problem with becoming a mistress, is that you are more than likely to get hurt. You knew that he had a wife and children, so you took your chance. There is nothing you can do about that. It could have gone the other way and the wife and mother of his children would be the one crying. On either side its never easy.
The best thing that you could do for yourself and your own respect would be to ditch him. He is clearly using you, and has no intention of leaving his life by the sound of it.
I know I sound like a hard cow, but I have been on both sides of this coin. And I know what I am saying is true.
I was lucky, I was the mistress that became the partner. But it could so easily have gone the other way, and my partner could have stayed with his wife, and also left me devastated. But I would have had to move on.
Stop expecting a man to look after you with money, go out get a job and do this for yourself.
As the other Aunt said you deserve a lot more, but you will always have nothing with this guy. You dont even get respect from him now.
I doubt that he will ever leave his wife after all this time and you are wasting your precious life on him.
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A
female
reader, KatieBird  +, writes (8 January 2008):
Leave him. In this situation it is very rare that the person who is married leaves their spouse for the other person. I just heard a talk radio show about this the other day. You are currently filling this man's need for whatever is lacking in his relationship with his wife. Whether it is for sexual or emotional reasons, you are giving him whatever it is that he is missing. If he intended to leave his wife, he would have done so a very long time ago. Because they have children together, he can use this as an excuse to explain why he hasn't left his wife. The truth is that he probably never will.
Unfortunately it sounds like it would be difficult for you to just leave. You are dependent on him. You have to figure out a way. Do you work? If not, could you get a job? You mentioned you moved to London, and I am not sure where you are from, but perhaps you could move back? You need to make friends too. Don't let him be the only one you have contact with. Take a class to meet friends, hang out at a coffee shop, or see if there are any groups you could join in the area- either for volunteer work, or a hobby. You need to like yourself and realize that this man is using you. Stand up for yourself. You are worth it. Maybe you gravitate towards this type of man (and trust me I have been there...I only dated "bad boys" for a long time until I realized that they would make awful life partners). You need to try something else, a different type of man. Be strong. Money isn't everything, and although this man supports you, he surely isn't treating you like he treats his family. Wouldn't you like to be with someone who treats you like you are the most important person in the world to them, and that they would love you, and support you, and do anything for you? Please please don't think badly of yourself. It isn't your fault. But it is time to do something about it. Leave him. When you meet the man who will treat you as you should be treated, you will be so thankful that you did. Good luck. I am always here to help, everyone here is...so when you need someone to lean on for support- just come here.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Hi there sweety.
WOW - what a situation you are in.
Look - i cannot condone your actions. I cannot tell you that it was right, or even fair. MAINLY on yourself.
Us women always seem to fall for the emotionally unavailable men. You have gotten yourself into a very unhealthy situation, and you need to get yourself OUT of it. I know it is hard if you love someone, but you really should do so.
Pick yourself up from the ground where this guy has put you. You are worth so much more. You deserve a guy who will be with you, and love you, and who would only want to give you the best. And you can also build the life you want for yourself. This guy is obviously not going to come around. He is feeling guilty for making you move closer, and is now trying to compensate for his actions, by helping you as LITTLE as he can.
Tell yourself, that you don't need this guy. Because you DONT.
Just believe that you deserve better, because you do.
Good luck
Mail me if you want to chat.
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