A
male
age
41-50,
*ommy01
writes:I am a total mess and at this point I'm question all my feelings, goals and sexuality. I am 30, very handsome, a virgin. I am physically attracted to very good looking guys and for the last few years I had excepted that I'm gay. The problem is, I can talk to hundreds of guys before finding someone who I like, and usually when I pursue it, it doesn't lead to anywhere. It's a failure after failure, and what's hard is that I do feel in many cases that the other guy has some interest but simply is afraid to make the step. Almost as if they are straight guys but in denial or who are afraid to go there. At this point I'm so discouraged and after my latest crush failed, I feel like abandonning this "dream" that I have of finding another good looking guy like me who's not effiminated and who wants the same thing as me. I'm not getting younger and I feel so lonely and sad at this point. The thing is, if a guy is not good looking, I have zero interest. I don't want to sound shallow, but I can't control who I'm attracted to. In fact with most men, I would find sex to be disgusting. It almost goes from one extreme to another. With women, I never feel disgusted or turned off even if the woman isn't attractive, but beautiful women I feel as if I wouldn't really mind if I sleep with them or not. There's nothing "wow" about them to me.Should I just try sex with a girl and ignore my gay feelings? How long can I go searching for that gay love and being disappointed? Also the latest crush that I have, he knows that I'm gay, he's a friend from work. His behavior is almost as if he's gay but in denial, and whenever we plan something just the 2 of us, he backs away the last minute. I can feel that he likes me, but that that he's just afraid. At work where we are hundreds of people, he always is with me, as if it's a safe environement, but outside of work it's almost as if he's a stranger. At this point, it's torture for me and I am even questionning if I should keep my distance at work to get over my feelings for him, or if that would be a mistake. Anyways if I was 20, I would keep this dream alive, but now that I'm 30, I am almost giving up on finding what I want, it's not happening for me and I'm starting to wonder if I should try to become straight and forget about all of this. I don't want to end up alone, but I don't want to sleep with a guy who I'm not attracted to, and the ones I like are so hard to find, I try to befriend them, develop feelings, and end up torturing myself because they are straight. :( Btw I'm not out except to a couple of very close friends, and it's hard to come out completely to everyone when 99% of guys do not even interest me, it feels that I'm going to be labeled and I don't really connect with the gay community and how most gay people behave and are looked at (for example the gay parades). Sometimes I go out to the gym, or to the shopping mall, walking around and hoping to spot a good looking guy, and maybe talking to them and hoping it leads to something. But this has never worked so far. That's always been my plan, to meet someone I like, get to know them and see if they're gay, but so far it's almost as if every year I have a big crush on someone and it leads to nowhere because they are straight. I'm almost giving up and trying a woman because women never really turn me off, so I'd rather sleep with a woman then with a guy I'm not attracted to, BUT it's as if something is holding me back and I keep looking for that "guy".Ok, I'm sure I went in circles but you get the point. lol I'm a mess and I'm lonely.
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male
reader, blizzard1996 +, writes (5 November 2010):
Thank you for this post. I'm glad there are others out there who are in a similar position as I am. The confusion and level of deseration rapidly increased through my mid to late 20s. I concur with EVERY word that this guy posted. I "came out" when I was 19 because I was fooling around with a guy and it slowly became public. I was actually fine with it and came to terms with being gay relatively early. But since then, I haven't been with anyone more than one night and I regret every coming out. What's the point? It obviously hasn't done me any good. I havne't felt passion, I've haven't felt feelings towards anyone who is not "good-looking" or very attractive since. I can turn heads at all the gay bars and clubs but the major source for that clientle tends to lean more towards the effeminate side of the spectrum which is a huge turn-off for some masculine gay guys.
This is what the replies to this post failed to recognize. I've learned that all males have their "zone" or their niche that really cannot be altered. It may slowly evolve over time but it's bascially a curse if you're in our position. You like what you like and that's that. You shouldn't have to whore yourself out to learn more about yourself. Hot, straight people don't have to do that.
The atractive, masculine gay world is a complete enigma to me - I know it exists yet it seems like a fantasyland, somewhere completely unreachable. To factor in other caveats like geography, personality, religious background, and family acceptance just complicates matters evermore. I've come to deduce that meeting someone who fits into this mold are so, SO much less than in the straight world that it's almost not even worth actively pursuing. You're odds of success are slim to none in most cases. Meeting this type of person at a club or bar is never going to happen although if you're like me, you foolishly try over and over again despite loathing the atmosphere.
Ah, I'm rambling, I could go on and on but it's not worth it. Being this breed of gay is just about as depressing as it gets. It's a misnomer altogether. It doesn't get better for everyone after grade school.
A
male
reader, blizzard1996 +, writes (5 November 2010):
Thank you for this post. I'm glad there are others out there who are in a similar position as I am. The confusion and level of deseration rapidly increased through my mid to late 20s. I concur with EVERY word that this guy posted. I "came out" when I was 19 because I was fooling around with a guy and it slowly became public. I was actually fine with it and came to terms with being gay relatively early. But since then, I haven't been with anyone more than one night and I regret every coming out. What's the point? It obviously hasn't done me any good. I havne't felt passion, I've haven't felt feelings towards anyone who is not "good-looking" or very attractive since. I can turn heads at all the gay bars and clubs but the major source for that clientle tends to lean more towards the effeminate side of the spectrum which is a huge turn-off for some masculine gay guys.
This is what the replies to this post failed to recognize. I've learned that all males have their "zone" or their niche that really cannot be altered. It may slowly evolve over time but it's bascially a curse if you're in our position. You like what you like and that's that. You shouldn't have to whore yourself out to learn more about yourself. Hot, straight people don't have to do that.
The atractive, masculine gay world is a complete enigma to me - I know it exists yet it seems like a fantasyland, somewhere completely unreachable. To factor in other caveats like geography, personality, religious background, and family acceptance just complicates matters evermore. I've come to deduce that meeting someone who fits into this mold are so, SO much less than in the straight world that it's almost not even worth actively pursuing. You're odds of success are slim to none in most cases. Meeting this type of person at a club or bar is never going to happen although if you're like me, you foolishly try over and over again despite loathing the atmosphere.
Ah, I'm rambling, I could go on and on but it's not worth it. Being this breed of gay is just about as depressing as it gets. It's a misnomer altogether. It doesn't get better for everyone after grade school.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Hey, I just read your column, I am in exactly the same position. I'm 33, so similar age and was married, I have two children also, who I love more than anything. I want the same, to meet a person who I am physically and emotionally attracted to, everyone I have met so far just hasn't ticked all the right boxes, except for a guy who I am seeing at the moment. He is Str8/Bi/Gay confused, which is how I was a few years ago. He wants to come out but isn't ready yet, not sure what he is waiting for, he is single and lives alone in a shared house and the same age as me. We have been seeing each other for 5 months and get on really well, have a good time in the bedroom and everything is great, but he doesn't think he is ready to make anything more of it, even though he said that it would make him happy and I would be worth it... Do I wait for something that may happen or just quit whilst I'm ahead??
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 you are drwan to looks because of your lack of sexual experiences-in real life the best looking aren't always thye best in bed or the most satisfying to be with.
you base your desires around fantasies that have never been acted out. if you are only into someone for how they look they will be able to pick up on this.
you need to get sex out of the way-when you acctually have sex the satisfaction is different from, and based on different characteristics, sexual fantasies
get out there and just go for fun- or think deep and go for personality
your choice
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (16 March 2010):
 maybe you are bisexual i mean how can you really know what you prefer when you havent been with either sex i think you should keep your options open and date both men and women and see which you prefer if you have trouble finding men then maybe go to gay clubs and see if you get anywhere there i dont think you should give your virginity to someone your not attracted too you need to find someone you see a future with first
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (16 March 2010):
One bit of advice. Just because the package is nice and pretty and shiney on the outside... doesn't mean you'll find the same qualities on the inside. I've met some really 'gorgeous' looking people... that I wouldn't date if they were the last person on earth.
You might find, that by 'lowering' your standard - based solely on looks - will broaden the selection pool. And I hate to say it... but you're gonna have to get out there - to the gay clubs or dating sites or wherever in order to find what you're so desperately looking for.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 March 2010):
I think you are slightly delusional. If a guy is straight, he's straight. You cannot go around expecting to meet a straight guy to convert to gay then accuse them of being afraid when they turn you down! They are just not attracted to you! Maybe they prefer vaginas! Have you ever stopped to consider that not all good looking guys are gay?! So stop going for them!
As for you meeting good-looking gay guys, what you see in the magazines is not what you will find on the ground. Its like a man looking as Cosmo and from the airbrushed images he feels he can only date the models he sees there. Ain't gonna happen. So you need to be more realistic. Perhaps you will have better luck trying to meet someone on gay dating sites. It will save you time as you can select/reject based on your high exacting standards. I must warn you though, that pretty boy (like that pretty girl) is hard to find. You can live your whole life and never meet him. He is most likely looking for a wealthy Elton John or a person who can love him and care for him properly, not just for a guy who wants him because of his looks. Same thing with female models; they are not looking for a goodlooking guy who want them for looks alone but rather either someone who loves them for real with or without looks; or a wealthy balding lover who will give them the life of their dreams. So you may be searching for a while yet if looks are your main concern.
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