A
female
age
30-35,
*kit16
writes: Ok. This is quite messy and odd for me. But about 4 months ago, my best friend's bf came home from college and he and his best friend came over to my best friend's house. The four of us drank and had a good time...and by the end of the night, I was sleeping with his best friend. The problem? Im a lesbian and his best friend is a guy. After that night, me and his best friend (I'll call him Q) started a friendship that turned into something like a relationship. Although he knew I'd never be serious about him, he fell in love....and I have love FOR him. We continued sleeping together when we were both in the mood. Until about a month later when I found out I was pregnant with his baby. Since we both have crazy lives and didn't need to be parents, I unfortunately got an abortion. But Q was sweet and gentle with me and very understanding and that love FOR him turned into a deeper love. Im not attracted to men and I often joke that Q should have been born a woman since he has a mindset that differs from most men. I love him, but I need a woman to be completely happy. Yesterday, the future came up and I asked if Q would father a baby for me and my future wife, laughing it off. But Q became angry. When I finally asked why, he went on to tell me that he planned to marry me soon and wanted a more serious relationship. Right now we have an open relationship where we can sleep with others and flirt but we must disclose it to one another and a relationship is only reserved for me and him. Im ok with this but marriage never crossed my mind. Im just more into women than men. I love Q and how cool he is (he's almost like a best friend) and the sex isn't bad at all either. But I don't see a future in it. Am I being selfish? Am I overlooking something real or is it right for me to have a preference and let him go because of it? I also did not like the whole abortion experience and feel sex with a woman is much safer (lol). Me and Q have history now...I was almost the mother of his first child. But I just don't think we have a future. Am I wrong? What do I do?
View related questions:
abortion, best friend, fell in love, flirt, in the mood, lesbian Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dietcoke20 +, writes (1 July 2013):
Ok, so let me give you a little insight. Im 26 and I have been a lesbian since I was 14. I recently was in a relashionship for 3 years with a girl that just completely broke my heart, ofcourse you have family tugging on you saying" try and date a boy", so I did. I thought that maybe just maybe that was what would help me live the easier life and maybe i could fall in love with him. Needless to say, I DIDN"T! I am now almost 5 months pregnant, with his child. HE isnt a good person at all and has many issues in his life so I will not allow him to see this child. LONG STORY.... But now i have an amazing gf who is completlely understanding. My family doesnt know yet but they kinda get the hint. The father of my child has done some things in his past that I was lied to about the whole entire time. No im not ready to be a paretn etiher, and I dont judge you for the abortion at all, but my heart couldnt do that. So now, I have an interesting road ahead. I can say that I will prasie God in all of this because this was meant to happen. But there is hope and you need to let him go. Move on, things will happen the way God see's fit! good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): You don't know who or what you are. At least your b/f is trying to understand.
You my dear young lady need to be ALONE for awhile to find yourself! Because at the moment you seem all over the place. Good luck to you both!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): well ok first im a guy and what i have knowtised is "almost" every lesbian has a (what if) if you think about it he could be her what if... my best friend is lesbian (never had sex with a guy ever) but she does want to try it with me only cuz i have always been there for her. that doesn't make her anyless of one, shes curious... and yes i have deep deep feelings for my best friend and she has hidden feelings for me we have know each other for 8 years.
now on to what i was saying if you look it up lesbians do have sex with guys it happens all the time....
That joke was kinda mean....im not saying your cold hearted or anything im saying it was like a low blow....cuz if you think about it he does love you and you dont wanna be with him so wouldn't the thought of you having his kid but never being with him kinda piss him off (true)
it sucks getting led on if your going to tell him dont beat around the bush tell him the truth dont leave any wiggle room. and more then likly since hes a guy and guys are stubborn he'll still like you but wont tell you again after you do tell him no you might think about it from time to time but thats were the (what if) comes into play.
...............................
A
female
reader, klairabell +, writes (21 January 2010):
Well I don't think u r cold hearted.. I understand. What u r going thro... I've been there... But I'm also bisexual.. So its a lil easyer.. But girl I do think u need to let him go.. Only cuz he want to get married and u don't...I know its hard for u but its ganna be even harder for him when u tell him goodbye..so just let him down easy tell him that u don't want a marrage with him. Tell him who u really are don't be scard.. If he get mad let him. U need to tell him your real feeling about this. It will be hard but time heal..
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Sure Lesbians have sex with men, for a time I was the occasional lover of such a person. Then she found Ms Right and, as seemed proper given the feelings of us involved, we ended it.The fundamental point of Lesbianism is that you are attracted to women. As for an attraction to men as well, that is a spectrum ranging from complete dislike of males even in social situations all the way to bisexuality.That isn't to say that attraction to men is as free and easy as attraction to women. If you identify as Lesbian then it can make you deeply examine what that means, which can cause some angst.Conversely, if you are free and easy about it, then as you've found out you can deeply wound the feelings of someone who seeks a deeper commitment. I do hope you feel some shame about that, as I doubt his desire for deeper commitment has come out of the blue.Simply put, you two should talk about your relationship. I don't mean about the whole "open" thing --- that's about your relationship with others and it seems to me that when you discussed that the two of you weren't completely upfront about your expectations (I'm assuming you did discuss it rather than present it as a take-it-or-leave-me).I mean about you and him. What is the minimum commitment he hopes for? What is the minimum commitment you can give? Would meeting that make the two of you happy or sad?Then workshop the possible complications. What about kids? Marriage? What about when you pass your promiscuous stage and seek a deeper relationship with a woman? Can you see the two of you growing old together?By the time the two of you have chatted, you'll both know what you need to do. It might seem the long way to go about it, but it avoids that foolish circumstance where you make decisions thinking you know what the other wants, whereas you don't really know at all.If communication is important in a common relationship, then it's really important in a complicated relationship. Of all the things you've written it's actually your lack of real communication which makes me think that it is unlikely that the two of you will work out. But until you try, you never know...Oh and by the way, my generation had many of their dear GBT friends die from not using condoms. Please use them with the boys, pregnancy isn't the only thing they prevent.Best of luck, for each of you whether together or separately.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Agree with rythm and blues
FYI Lesbians DONT have sex with men. The question isnt whether you are "gay enough" its what you are doing to this guy, stop leading this man on and giving him hope of a future with you if you dont honestly want one, if you want to be with a woman then stop having sex with him! its not fair to him if yr heart isnt there with him 100%. He wants to marry you! you are playing with his emotions, decide what u really want and either make a committment to him or leave him. Saying that girls are "safer" to have sex with because if what happened with yr pregnancy is also selfish.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Oh and narcissists usually go into a narcissistic rage if they don't get the proper attention that they wanted...your question seemed more like you wanted an atta girl for being able to snag a man when you would never even consider one long term and the only concern you have about abortion is how unpleasant it was for you, no thought about maybe being responsible next time to save someone else pain.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): "Yesterday, the future came up and I asked if Q would father a baby for me and my future wife, laughing it off."
This is an extreme example of being a cold hearted bitch. You had an abortion when he got you pregnant and now you have the nerve to make this a joke.
"But Q became angry. When I finally asked why, he went on to tell me that he planned to marry me soon and wanted a more serious relationship.
Right now we have an open relationship where we can sleep with others and flirt but we must disclose it to one another and a relationship is only reserved for me and him. Im ok with this but marriage never crossed my mind."
You are so cold hearted and self centered that you have to ask him why your cruel joke made him angry.
You asked if you were being selfish YOU asked that question of us....and YES you are very self centered you have him at your beck and call, he has to be exclusive with you as far as relationship goes, but you can go off and screw whom ever you want, he has the option, but being in love with you, I doubt he'll take it.
" Im just more into women than men. I love Q and how cool he is (he's almost like a best friend) and the sex isn't bad at all either."
"Am I overlooking something real or is it right for me to have a preference and let him go because of it?"
You asked the question if you are gay enough...if you KNEW the answer to that question you wouldn't be asking us, DUH
" But I don't see a future in it. Am I being selfish? I also did not like the whole abortion experience and feel sex with a woman is much safer (lol). Me and Q have history now...I was almost the mother of his first child. But I just don't think we have a future. Am I wrong? What do I do?"
Your entire post was about you, not him. It was about what could be in this for you, what should you do for you. Never once did you ask how to let him down, that was never asked.
Your follow up states that you don't take any responsibility for getting drunk and having sex with him in the first place, why you just become brain dead at that point and lack free will.
I think instead of being Cold Hearted, you are pretty close to being a narcissist.
Have a nice life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (12 January 2010):
 I don't think you're actually lesbian, or you wouldn't be saying "the sex isn't bad at all" in reference to a man. You can be bisexual and lean more towards women than men, and there's no shame in being bisexual as opposed to fully lesbian. In fact, my ex was exactly that way and we had a blissful few years together despite my being male.
The problem is that you want a friends with benefits relationship and you were open about this, while he wants something more. You both love each other on some level, but he's fallen utter in love with you while you only love him as a very close friend. I'd say you should be honest with him about your intentions, but you already have been upfront and clear.
I fear that he hopes you're lying to yourself about your feelings and will someday agree to marry him. DO NOT marry him just to make things easier. It's possible you DO love him and COULD have a happy life with him, even enjoying the sex (as you already say you do), but that's got to be YOUR decision and not a result of pressure from him. If you DON'T want him like that, he may end up pushing you toward an ultimatum: Settle down with him even without being in love, or leave him completely. Hopefully he can be made to see that his pushing you is only pushing you away, but otherwise you're going to have to choose one extreme.
...............................
A
female
reader, Skit16 +, writes (12 January 2010):
Skit16 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you guys very much. And to the chick up there that called me coldhearted: I am the complete opposite. I've always known who I was but when im horny and intoxicated things happen. What happened after that was up to me but it was BECAUSE I didn't want to be coldhearted that I even gave him a shot. I KNOW that I do not want to be married to a man. Him fathering me and my wifes kid was a JOKE and I got an abortion because it was not the right time for us to have a child, it had nothing to do with his penis or my fondness of beings without one. I know exactly who I am and no woman that I have never even met is going to come along on the computer and speak to me as if she knows me more than I know myself. I never questioned my sexuality because I know I love women and men are not my thing relationship-wise. I'd never marry a man or have a monogamous relationship with one because it would never work. My questions was in regards to letting him go and letting him down softly. When and if I ever need to know if im gay enough, I'll ask that question.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): perhaps he would be open to a polyamorous relationship?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): I don't think you know who you are. Lesbians do not like sex with men. How can you say you don't find men attractive when you have been having sex with one and have a relationship with one.To choose having sex with a woman because it is safe from pregnancy is ridiculous especially when you contradict yourself and say you want a child with a woman some day.And you got your wish, you got pregnant the usual way and you chose to get rid of it. Why? So you could have a do over with a woman.I think you are cold hearted and you should stop playing with this boy toy of yours and set him free to find a woman who knows who she is and what she wants and isn't into using people until something else better comes along or until she figures herself out or gets exactly what she wants..Really, do you even have to ask this question?
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 January 2010):
I think if you're a lesbian, you need to move on from guys. And quickly, because he's falling for you.
...............................
|
