A
female
age
41-50,
*roubledneed4advice
writes:I'm 29 years old, my boyfriend is 46 years old, we've been together for four years now and his mom is 71 years old, she controls his life tells him what to do what he should be doing and what he shouldn't be doing with his life. she wants him to just think about his own family and her and whenever she doesn't need him then he can be with his relationship and I also have a 10 year old son. She's very manipulative, puts guilt trips on him to make him feel bad and do things for him. She expects him to push his own life aside with my child and I for her. She stares at his private parts and he allows her to do so. We've been continuously in arguments because of all of this and she can do or say whatever she wants to him but he expects me not to say anything about us our lives our relationship to him. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him and care about him with all my heart body and soul and I don't want to lose him and I just wish that he would understand and see what's happening and what she's doing to him and to our relationship. I don't know what to do anymore. I really need help with this. thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Hello. Ok, first piece of advice I can give you is, you are much younger than this man and you have a whole life ahead of you. Please stop wasting your time with him. There are plenty of fish in the sea. He may be a nice, good man, however, the fact that he lets his 71 year old mom stare at his private parts is a big RED FLAG in itself and this does not sound like a healthy, normal type of adult mother/son relationship. This man sounds like he needs some heavy duty therapy, and do does his mother. Also, the fact that he still lives at home and is a still a mama's boy at his age doesn't look like its going to change. I was married to a man like this for almost 15 years (knew him for 20 years) and I can tell you, I tried to stick it out and "waited" for him to come around, and he never did. His mother came first even after we were married and after we had our children, which was very hard to live with over the years for myself and our children. Our marriage suffered greatly from his "too close for comfort" relationship with his mother and I was always looked at as the "enemy" by him and his mom. I got tired of it and ended the marriage because I knew in my heart that I would be better off without him and now I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who is a very good son to his elderly parents, however, he is not a MAMA'S BOY. I come first in his life and he comes first in mine and that is the way it should be for both partners to be truly happy with each other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Hello. Ok, first piece of advice I can give you is, you are much younger than this man and you have a whole life ahead of you. Please stop wasting your time with him. There are plenty of fish in the sea. He may be a nice, good man, however, the fact that he lets his 71 year old mom stare at his private parts is a big RED FLAG in itself and this does not sound like a healthy, normal type of adult mother/son relationship. This man sounds like he needs some heavy duty therapy, and do does his mother. Also, the fact that he still lives at home and is a still a mama's boy at his age doesn't look like its going to change. I was married to a man like this for almost 15 years (knew him for 20 years) and I can tell you, I tried to stick it out and "waited" for him to come around, and he never did. His mother came first even after we were married and after we had our children, which was very hard to live with over the years for myself and our children. Our marriage suffered greatly from his "too close for comfort" relationship with his mother and I was always looked at as the "enemy" by him and his mom. I got tired of it and ended the marriage because I knew in my heart that I would be better off without him and now I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man who is a very good son to his elderly parents, however, he is not a MAMA'S BOY. I come first in his life and he comes first in mine and that is the way it should be for both partners to be truly happy with each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): From someone who has put up with very similar treatment for the last 20 years and have now decided to divorce over it (believe me I have tried every trick in the book to overcome the arguments and difficulties) I would honestly say "is it worth the effort?". There are a lot of men out there who would not prefer to please their Mummy and make their girlfriend / wife suffer. I wish I had left a long time ago - these men don't change. She should not be staring at his private parts - to me, those kind of things turn this from 'normal' (barely) clingy mother to son kind of stuff to very abnormal. You need to give him the straight truth about how you feel. You are either going to put up with this for ever (he will certainly never change) or accept that whilst you love him, the relationship is no good for you. As I say my advice is to move on. You are too young to have this rubbish for the rest of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): He's 46, he isn't going to change. Maybe reading this article would give him a clue, you could try it.
http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_100/109c_dating_girl.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Hold it...is he a Mommy's Boy or is it possible...he's just a good son, who is being responsible for an elderly parent, who needs his help. You need to really, really distinquish that, in your mind. There is nothing wrong with an adult male helping an elderly parent. He simply feels obligated to help her, in spite of her personality shortcomings. What is the family dynamic here? Is he the only adult child still living near her? It appears he has a life apart from her, which he is making with you. So, tell me, when Mom tells him how to live his life, does he follow her 'orders' or does he just quietly do what he wants, anyways? As for staring at his private parts, that seems odd. And if she's weird enough to do that, it must be disturbing to him as well as you. Has he ever said to you, how it makes him feel? I guess I am trying to make you understand, that his relationship with his Mother, no matter how controlling, odd and obstinate she is...is a good sign that he is likely a kind, sensitive man to you. I wonder, could you be too focused on competing with his Mom? I suggest you step back, and take yourself out of this race and really look and see what is happening here. And answer these questions if you can: 1) is he far too enmeshed emotionally and co-dependant on his mother to the point of absurdity. Does he neglect you emotionally? 2) are you 2nd best to his Mother? 3)is his Mother an overly smothering, co-dependant person?If you answer yes, yes and yes..you could be with a bad case of a Mama's Boy. And those guys never change. But I am looking at what you have written, it appears that she is more definitely the problem and your bf is just simply tolerating it. I admit that 99.9% of Mothers (no matter the age) want to remain connected to their children, adult children, included. But the Mother and adult child must find the proper balance between being supportive to each other and and not too overly-dependent. Usually a healthy older parent, gives their adult children the complete respect/privacy for their own lives. Some Mothers have a hard time with this concept..they don't know how to step back. This is her. She's an unhealthy person and it sounds like she needs some emotional help and support from a professional. So the problem could be 'more' her than your bf. My advice: Calmly and maturely, let him know your needs in this relationship and see how this plays out. Don't get nasty or angry at him and don't be nasty about his Mother. He could be just trying to help her, she's family and remember, he can't help what his Mother is like. And when you sign up for a relationship with a guy, you love..sometimes we need to try to really, understand what he's up against.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 January 2010):
What do you mean stares at his private parts?? :-(
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 If he's 46 and still holding onto the apron strings then I guess you'll just have to accept it and wait her out (if you get my drift) or move on without him.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 January 2010):
This is a man who just can't let go of his mother. And if she's controlling his life at his age, he's just not the guy you're looking for.
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