A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mother hit me, threatened me, and made me break up with my girlfriend after one day. Here's what happened:Throughout my entire life my mother has disapproved of any women that I choose to bring in it. I know now that she is a classic example of a divorced narcissistic mother, I'm the scapegoat, and my brother is the golden child. I unfortunately have to live with her for the next few months because my money has been tied up in an account I don't currently have access too. So when it comes to dating, I'm basically 13 years old again and have to ask her permission for everything. It generally isn't a problem because I've been afraid of commitment and usually see different women. She's fine with that. But as soon as I see one more than once that's when the criticisms start being thrown and eventually she find some way to sabotage the emerging relationship.This past week I finally got the courage to ask a girl I have been seeing on and off for two years to be my girlfriend. She said yes and I was elated. I was so incredibly happy and I hadn't felt that way since I was 19 with my first girlfriend. I'm now 32 and she's only the third girlfriend I've ever had.We initially dated for about couple months and when she asked me where it was going I dodged the question with some lame answer and she lost interest a few days later. I wanted more than anything to make it official, but I somehow knew my mother would disapprove, as she always does, and didn't want to cause any conflict with her.We kept in touch and I promised myself that if we did see each other again on a formal date and everything went well, I would ask her to be my girlfriend. I didn't want to just date again, I realized that I truly loved her. I went out with other women, but always kept coming back to her.So we're back to that date a few days ago. She says yes and were planning out our next couple of dates and everything is amazwing. I arrive home and when I tell my mother who I saw, the insults start flying in. She's incredibly racist so just because my gf isn't white and went from fishing to owning and running a very successful real estate business, she focuses purely on how she used to fish. Because I was stupid enough to tell her that when I went out with her then first time. My mother was angry so I didn't tell her anything and went to bed.The next morning I woke up in a cold sweat with jitters. Not because I was regretting asking, but because I didn't tell my mother I was planning to (because I knew she would disapprove as always). So I finally found a good time to tell her and she absolutely lost it. I thought she was going to be angry, but never at this level. She demanded that I break up with her and I said that was ridiculous. She then hit me and backed me up against the wall and wouldn't stop yelling. That I "lied" to her. I did not back down and she then threatened to kick me out of the house. That if I wanted to stay with my gf I had to go live with her. So I caved. I would never place that burden on her after barely becoming her bf. I went downstairs in the car and told my gf the truth. That I love her, but my mother is forcing me to break up with her.She couldn't believe it. And she kept saying I don't know what to say. I told her we could keep in contact and she agreed. I was devastated the rest of the day. I tried to chin up but I was broken. So later that night she interrogated me again and couldn't understand why I was so sad. So she doubled down and had my brother take my phone and give it to her. Then she said "I'm deleting everything with her" and ran into the bathroom.I tried to open the door and begged her not to do that. She immediately started yelling for my brother. He came back in the room and I backed off and dropped to my knees and cried. I did everything she said and she was still causing me pain. Then she stepped out and hit me on the back of the head. She then said she was going to have me committed for being insane because she couldn't understand why I would react that way to having my phone taken away. She then proceeded to read my messages and mock me and my now ex gf. She then unfollowed her on instagram, deleted the chat history, deleted her number, and took my phone. My ex had sent a message that very night saying she hope I felt better (I just recently had septum surgery and am still recovering) and wishing me a good night's sleep. I never saw it and only heard my mother mockingly read it back to me.She gave me my phone back 3 days later and ordered me to never try to contact her again. And not only that she made me erase every other girl on my phone. And that she'll be doing random checks on it to make sure I wasn't in contact with her. And even check my email (through my phone).And this is where I find myself. I'm broken. Sad. Lost. Confused. Depressed. I find myself thinking how I could have just not asked that girl to be my girlfriend and I could've just continued dating her. But then I didn't want that. I wanted a real relationship with her. I've been sick of "casually" dating for years. I knew in my heart this was something real. Was I wrong to ask her? Was I wrong to not ask permission from my mother? My now ex contacted me a few days later, thankfully I had the phone, and texted her that I'd call her as soon as I'm not being watched as my only outing right now is to the doctor (I got sick again). She read the message and said ok for me to call whenever I want.I just need advice. I need help. I don't feel right in my head or heart. And I know I need to get away from my mother. I am planning on moving out as soon as my money frees up in December. I just need comforting feedback. I still feel broken. Thank you for your time.
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depressed, divorce, ex girlfriend, money, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2019): I'm going out on a limb here, but it's possible OP was a victim of child abuse. If so, his behavior makes more sense. You're older now, yes, but it may be difficult to let go of learned response patterns. If this is indeed the case, please find a good therapist. It will help so much. If you are not a victim of child abuse, therapy will still be very useful to you. Hang in there! Hopefully things get better soon.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (21 October 2019):
Your mother is doing your job for you. Since you have not man up, or grown up, she feels she has to look after her little boy.
You have to show her you are man enough to look after yourself and her. If you have a job, pay rent, do your own laundry, cook your own meals, buy your own groceries, pay your own bills. When you are done doing all that...start helping your mother around the house. You cook the meals for everyone. You do her laundry, clean up, and so on. Basically...show her you do not need her to look after you any more...you got this. When she sees you are man enough to live your own life, she will stop living yours for you.
She is doing her job as a mother...protecting you from yourself. But you have to show her even though you are still living in the nest, you don't need mothering.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (21 October 2019):
 Dude, what the actual hell?
You’re a grown adult, your mother has 0 control over your life, you can do whatever the heck you want! Why are you pandering to her? Why are you still living under her roof if this is how you ‘think’ you need to be treated. At the end of the day YOU are letting this happen. She can’t MAKE you do anything, she is asking you to break up with your partner and you are doing it, then you’re complaining about it? Where’s your back bone?
Move out of that crazy house and do your own thing. This is actually shocking that you’re allowing yourself to be treated this way. I think you are VERY lucky that this girl is actually sticking around, she must really like you because to be told by a grown man that his mother will not let you date him, in all honesty, is extremely weird.
You need to move out ASAP, this isn’t normal and you really shouldn’t be putting up with this but at the moment you are allowing it to happen so I’m not sure what outcome you’re expecting.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 October 2019):
 Move out, even if you couch surf until you have enough money to get your own place. Get some counselling, your relationship with your mother, even if you cut her out of your life, is going to affect everything you do from here until the day you draw your last breath, so deal with that as a matter of urgency.
If you brother goes along with your mother's orders, such as in taking your phone and giving it to her don't trust him. Maintain a relationship if you want but don't give him any information about your life until you are strong enough to tell your mother where to go (nicely of course).
Get your life in order and rebuild your self confidence, you are in no position right now to maintain any sort of healthy relationship with anybody.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 October 2019):
 This post is very disturbing. Why on earth at your age does your mother have so much control over your life? How did you allow this to happen? This is a very abusive relationship and the smartest thing that you can do is to get out and move into your own place or get a place with friends and distance yourself from your mom. I have a feeling there are things going on that you are not including but I feel sorry for you OP. You shouldn't be living with your mom. I think both of you need counselling. Wiseowl is so right too OP, no woman wants to date a mama's boy. UGH..they will go running for the hills. It sounds like you found a sweet girl if she was understanding about things because most wouldn't be. Get out OP and get your life together as quickly as you can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): If your mother was able to make you breakup with your girlfriend, beat you up, and snatch your phone away. You need to be in therapy. You're not ready for a girlfriend.
You haven't outgrown your mother. Apparently, your mother is mentally-ill. Her behavior is not normal, and just being narcissistic doesn't explain how submissive you are when she goes into a hissy-fit. Even if your mother was 16 when you were born, she's at least 48 or 50! How could she possibly overpower you? Take your phone away?!! I hope your post isn't some kind of ruze. People make up things just to get attention. I'm looking at this one sideways!
Makes absolutely no sense you're even living with your mother! A grown-man at 32!
Get yourself into psychotherapy to work through your issues with intimidation and passivity. Unless your mother is a hulky-woman with the build of a female-wrestler; none of your story makes much sense. Even a 10 year-old boy is more rebellious and independent than to allow his mother to treat him like a baby.
If you feel broken, pull yourself together. Start looking for your own place; even if it's a one-room studio apartment. You have no business living with your mother at your age anyhow!
You're not ready for a girlfriend just yet, my poor friend. I think you need to deal with your mother-issues and get your own place first.
If you know she'll go-off and spaz-out, why the heck are you telling her? I wish your love-interest was the one who wrote the post. I would have to advise her to stay away from all this!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2019): My advice to you.....This is all your own fault.You go home and blab everything to your mom what did you expect to happen? Stop telling your mom everything.Keep your dating life private and to youself. Move out even if it is to somewhere cheap. Move across the country of you cannot stop blabbing.You must take care of this because I tell you no woman wants a mama's boy.
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