A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My relationship with my mother was never good and it is even getting worse as we both get older, despite my frequent attempts to improve our relationship from my side. I am very obedient. I always did what she wants me to do hoping this way she will love me. I feel that my mother resents me. I tried my best to let go of the past and start fresh, but she keeps hurting me and she keeps pushing too hard. She is controlling, nothing I do is good enough and I don't know what to do anymore. I have 4 siblings. I am daughter number 4 and my brother is 2 years younger than me. He is her baby and the apple of her eye. All my siblings are married and have kids. I am almost 45 years old, have no kids and was never married. My mother makes me feel like I am a big fat failure in life for not being married. I grow up hearing my mom talking to her mother in my presence as a child, saying that I am ugly, I look like my dad's sister. On the other hand from the time I was in high school people around me started complementing me and saying, I am cute, pretty, smart, kind, helpful, polite, have really good taste in fashion and food and I have a good figure. I thought about talking to my mother and I thought about asking her what I do that makes her angry at me, but I am reluctant because I am afraid I might end up hurt. I have to add that I feel a kind of disrespect from my mother's side, in some occasions she yelled at me without any reason in front of my nieces and nephews, sister in law and brothers in law , I guess she just wanted to let out her frustration on someone. She still treats me like a child who does nothing right. Everything I do is never good enough, even if I bake she would praise my baking and then in the same sentence there will be something negative. Would it be a good idea to talk to her? Or given the fact that she is controlling, would a discussion like that might end up against me? And I should not bother? I am really suffering from the way she treats me and just avoiding her is not a good solution on the long run.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): I think I can relate to your story. I have pretty much the same issue with my mother. I'm 26 years old and she said that I'm an old maid because I'm not married yet. More often than not she said that I'm no beauty and that it makes only men without beauty will like me. This hurt my feeling and also confusing for me. Especially because I did meet men who find me attractive. Even my girlfriends say I'm cute. I admit that physical appearance is not my number one priority but I do really give a thought about it as an important aspect that would contribute in my starting a serious relationship and keeping it. I don't want to waste my energy to think hard about it just yet. Once I have a relationship with a man but my mother asked my sister and my cousin to tell me that she wouldn't want me to continue the relationship. This man is rather plain and my mother knew that. I did stop seeing him though because I felt uncomfortable with his way of conduct (he gets angry easily and drinks a lot when he's got stress). Now that I'm not married yet and don't have a boyfriend, she keeps on thinking and one day said to me that I am no longer "fresh." It makes me feel that I'm being dehumanized and that to some extent she no longer appreciates my existence.
We had open conflicts sometimes but I never bring about all these. I'm afraid she thinks that she's managed to put me down. So our quarrel usually on trivial matters. Sometimes I get on her nerves as well by telling her how stupid she is compare to me. I know she hates this by her outburst reaction. I'm not proud of it but I think I should let her know that I too can be a bitch. I've finished my college and now looking for a job that I like. I'm living with her again, so this situation makes her downwarding comments inevitable on a daily basis.
I always remind myself that I am unfortunate as to having her as my mother but I shouldn't pity myself because it's her that has to be pitied. Although I think she does all this out of ignorance and personality defect, somehow I also think that for now forgiving her is out of question. It's not that I can't forgive her. I just don't want to. Besides, my forgiveness would mean nothing to her. I probably will forgive her (silently, of course) once I really start my own life. Starting on that moment, I'm planning not to ever looking back at my difficult times with her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Thank you everyone for taking the time to listen and thank you for the good advices. I don't live at home, I do have my own apartment, I have a good job and I am independent, however I have to call my mother on a daily basis like all my siblings, - well she lives in a separate apartment but inside the house of my brother - I don't mind calling her everyday although I have to admit it is just time consuming but I call her to make sure she is alright. It happened one time few months ago, that i was busy at work, I came home late instead of 6ish I was home at 9ish and she phoned wondering where I was and started saying if anything happens to me on the road no one will know and I should have called her to say I will be late at work !! I found she overreacted, simply because I don't have to call anyone and say I will be late at work. Right? So what I do since then I tell her if I don't call her early enough it means I had a lot of work and will call her later.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (28 February 2011):
 I know someone who has a mother a lot like yours. From what you've written here I am sure you are in pain. I suggest you 'Google' codependency.http://www.capefearhealthyminds.org/library.cgi?article=1118181493"I am very obedient. I always did what she wants me to do hoping this way she will love me. I feel that my mother resents me. I tried my best to let go of the past and start fresh, but she keeps hurting me and she keeps pushing too hard." reminded me of something I read. Here it is "Codependency is an addiction ... in a codependent relationship, you cannot be yourself. You must hide your identity and what you want. To do this, you probably have deep beliefs about not being good enough or unworthy, and that you can only express love by denial, suffering and sacrifice." Here is the website http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/codependence.htmI sincerely hope you find peace and stop "really suffering" soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Hello,You are not alone. I, too, am going through the same things that you are going through. Mom tells everyone - even at family parties and get togethers, at her work and even to her friends that I'm fat, ugly, I dress like an old maid and on and on and on. She greets me in the morning with a sarcastic comment and tells me off now and then just because she feels like it. I hate it more than anything. In fact, she even once told me the reason why no guy bothers to marry me is because I'm fat and ugly and am an old maid. I have a great job and people all around me like me and have even told me so. I volunteer at church and I also enjoy arts and crafts. I have friends and go out now and then. When I do go out, my mom tells me why do I have to go out for? I probably go out and drink and do things that should not be done. Heck, I'm 40 years old and I don't let anyone - including mom tell me what to do. I am my own person and I help out at home when I can. Mom was jealous of my possessions. I don't buy much for myself and the things that I do purchase, I buy because I want it. She took my little figurines (there were only 4 of them) and she donated it all because she felt I didn't need it but oh, she needed all of her 20 pairs of shoes? come on now, I don't even put these figurines out to take space in the living room or anywhere else except in my room. How do I live with mom? I keep to myself. I don't let her bug me. It's hard to do because mom will always bug you no matter what. She will do as she pleases because this is her house and not mine. She reminds me everyday. But I found myself a good man who treats me like a goldmine. He loves and wants me and can't wait until we get married. I have friends and an awesome fiancee who lifts me up always...but in the end, it's up to you to lift your self up. It's up to you to not let your mom bully you by putting you down. Your mom has a problem...and I believe so does mine. I think they've got low self esteem and are jealous of us with our confidence that we exude. Don't think of yourself as someone that's a doormat with no future outside of your family home. You are a good person with a great mind and one full of happines waiting to explode. Don't let your mom tell you otherwise. I'm not letting mom do that to me. In the end, I've realized that once I move out, she won't have anyone else to put down. She's on her own and I feel sorry for her. You have to put yourself up and praise yourself. Take classes (like exercise classes, swimming, a favorite class in arts and craftings) or volunteer or do something other than staying home and feeling sorry for yourself. If you can, how about moving out and finding yourself an apartment? How about going out for walks or spending time with your siblings or sister in law? Make new friends? Do something good for you. Love yourself as any person would love. Believe in yourself. You are a good person. I know you are.
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A
female
reader, LolaBolla  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Wow. This is pretty much the verbal summation of my relationship with my mother and her relationship with her mother before that.Chances are, your mother's relationship with her parents itself wasn't too good; as such, she herself is an inadequate mother (with all do respect). It seems that your mother is a perfectionist; she wants you to be absolutely flawless, much like mine. Note, this isn't because in reality you fall short, but rather, because there is something about her life your mother finds unfilfilling. To make up for that, she wants to engineer a child that is perfect (and basically inhuman and unrealistic). It's out of both her love and her confusion on how to make you perfect that she acts so passive-agressive. Your mother makes you feel like a failure because SHE feels like a failure for not performing adequately at something, whatever it is. So she takes out her frustrations on you in attempt to make you better than her. Rest assured, this is your mother's issue, and not your own.I'm not sure if you have ever been direct with your mother, but you should as soon as possible. Use specific instances as evidence so she can't dismiss your arguments as being "too sensitive". If she still won't listen, than perhaps your relationship needs distance. Ignore your mother for a while-- go out, meet new people, focus on you. Don't avoid her, but let her understand this is a serious issue she needs to resolve. She'll be less likely to criticize unnecessarily if she sees you don't care about pointless derision.Like I said, my mother is EXACTLY the same way. We used to tear at eachother's throats because I was so fed up with not measuring up to her standards. Anyone's kids were better than me-- even those that didn't acheive half of what I did. As soon as I went to college, she had time to think, and realized condescending me would only make both of us miserable, so she changed. I wish you the best of luck, my friend,
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