A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone have tips for letting yourself be more romantic/affectionate with someone when it's totally outside of your comfort zone? Been seeing someone for a couple weeks now (first time ever dating) and can tell he wants more from me physically as he's been finding obvious ways to be closer to me and touch me. (Not inappropriately or anything just small things) I'm just terrified of opening myself up that way and I don't know why, like in my head the idea of kissing stresses me out big time, but I know my feelings won't change to more romantic ones unless I try to break this barrier. I just don't know the best way to go about it. I told him I wanted to go slow and he said we could but I'm still worried I'm going to ruin the relationship if I don't start responding equally. I've been rather stiff in all his interactions with me. Why does being vulnerable and romantic for the first time seem so terrifying when it's something people do all the time?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 May 2018):
 As the saying goes, every man marches to the beat of his own drum. There is no right or wrong speed or timetable for getting intimate with people, especially when it is your first time and it is all new territory and, understandably, terrifying.
This man will naturally want to push things if he finds you attractive, which it sounds like he does. However, you do not owe him anything that way. If his physical contact is limited to little things like touching you to guide you to something, or brushing your hand when handing you something, then this is all natural and the way people show they are attracted to you. If he pushes too fast, simply pull away and, if he still doesn't take the hint, say politely "I'm sorry, I'm really not comfortable with that yet". If he cares for you, he will hear you and back off.
With regard to the kissing, just take it steady. When you are ready, perhaps start with a peck on the cheek. Gradually work up to a peck on the lips. There is no need to go in for a full on snog until you are ready. You may NEVER be ready with this man. Don't feel you HAVE to reach a stage with him where you want more intimacy. Just because HE fancies YOU does not mean you owe him anything or have to have closer physical contact with him than you desire. Dating is all about seeing if you WANT to be with someone, if you fit together as a couple. If you find that this is not the case, call it a day and walk away. There will be others.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 May 2018):
 By the way, i should also mention, as you've only known this person for a few weeks, you definitely shouldn't rush into intimacy.
You don't know him well enough, nor can you even trust him fully, to be too close to him.
Please remember, most young guys and even some older guys, will try their best to get what THEY WANT from you, so don't be fooled by their "advances".
If you are naive enough to give in, you may later have serious regrets, hence my mentioning to take your time, get to know him better and don't allow him to persuade nor force you, to do anything you don't feel "comfortable", or feel "good" doing.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 May 2018):
There may be various reasons, but i was thinking, perhaps you're afraid of moving too fast, especially if you're thinking way ahead and thinking that when you are ready to allow this person to enter your personal space, he may try to take things even further.
He may try to take things to the "next" level (meaning sexual) and that part of intimacy, you're definitely not ready to enter, because you've had no prior experience.
If you come from a more conservative and/or traditional family upbringing, then being fully intimate outside of marriage is a no, no.
If you come from a background with more open/liberal views, it can still be very hard, to get really close to a new person the first time around.
Just take your time and do not rush.
Do not allow anybody to force you, or try to coerce you into doing anything you don't want to do, or don't feel comfortable doing.
Whatever your choice, know it's ok, because YOU made it.
It's only when you do something under PRESSURE AND INFLUENCE, that it's NO longer OK.
You're young, you're inexperienced with romance, intimacy and love, but you will come to grow and learn.
If this person truly cares for you, you will definitely find out and if not, you will come to see that too.
No rush and if this person cannot wait or doesn't appear to respect your wishes, well you really should show him the front door.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2018): Being vulnerable is terrifying because you're opening yourself to possibilities that include being hurt and having your heart broken. This is scary for many people, even if it appears people do it all the time with no qualms...this is not really so. Real, true intimacy is not easy and is not always achievable.
You should take it at your own pace. When you are ready, you are ready.Couple of weeks is nothing! Why the rush? Get to know the guy, and you will find that once you do, you'll want to reciprocate or even initiate things that are romantic and intimate. Don't put this pressure of a preconceived timetable on yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2018):
 Tell him that you are NOT comfortable YET with closer physical intimacy, that taking things slow is what YOU would prefer.
GET to know this person WELL - GET comfortable in YOUR time.
If he CAN NOT wait for you to become comfortable then he isn't FOR you.
Why is it hard for you? Impossible to say. Some people are comfortable with hugs, kisses and small touches and others are not.
I have 3 kids 3 are very comfortable with it and one is not. And no, there has been no difference in how much affection they have all gotten from me. And they are all affectionate towards me, but one not with others and one is a bit more guarded as well and the 3rd one not guarded at all. It's just how it is.
Nothing wrong with not being "good" at being physically affectionate but over time it MIGHT be good for you to work on those "limitation" with people you trust. But don't force it, if it just doesn't feel comfortable.
Baby steps. It's OK!
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