A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi allIm wondering how i can support my husband in his stress. He runs two businesses that could be successful but due to outside factors, things arent going well. He literally cannot catch a break. He most recently said: "if i have to deal with any more pressure i think i might crack and throw myself off a cliff." Dramatic - yes, will he do that? I really dont think so. Being tough with him doesnt work and he does tend to lash out at me, so much so i rang his mother to ask for advice. She said to listen and dont challenge him - then when he is calm again, speak with him and dont let him away with being mean to me, but just wait it out before doing that. What do you think?
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (23 May 2018):
 One thing i do know, is that when you DEMAND respect, you will RECEIVE it.
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (23 May 2018):
You both need to talk asap and you need to let your husband know, that no matter what he's going through, you find it very hard to relate to him, when he gets upset or lashes out at you.
You know what?
THis man is your husband, so he must show you "respect", the same way you show him "respect".
We're all under stress, from time to time, but does this give all of us 'carte blanche" to lash out at our partners/families/people around us?
I don't think so!
You can be there for him, by way of letting him know, that you are always there for him and he can come to you, if/when he "chooses" to speak and be "open" to conversation.
If your husband has trouble remaining calm, then this is ought be your cue to not go to him, but allow him to come to you, if/when he chooses to.
It's a shame that you're in this position, because when married or within a serious relationship, the two people should be able to talk if/when THEY WANT and without any "FEAR" to approach the other.
The next time your husband yells, or lashes out at you, you hold onto "your power" and you tell him to not yell at you, because you do not appreciate being yelled at and if he doesn't stop, you let him know that you're walking AWAY from him/the situation, UNTIL he decides to calm down.
If his temperament is so bad, that he simply won't change and you can't even encourage him to, then he really should be open to receiving professional counselling.
He could enrol in an "anger management" class.
All you can do is to be there for him and let him know this.
Most times, a simple ear is all that we require and too many words need not be said.
Your husband is obviously under stress and when people get very stressed, sure, they can behave somewhat differently to how they'd normally behave, but again, your husband has NO RIGHT TO YELL AT YOU OR TO LASH OUT!
You are his wife, so you must TEACH HIM AND SHOW HIM WHAT YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE and YOU LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2018): You would get better advice if you elaborated on what those "outside factors" are that are causing the trouble. You improve the quality of your advice when you don't hold-back details that give some backstory to the problem.
He may need to sit-down with a financial-planner and business strategist to figure-out what's not working; or he might need to consider giving-up one of his businesses.
If there are known factors hindering his success; they must be addressed before they put him in an early grave or drive him to bankrupty. Otherwise; he's spinning his wheels, ruining both businesses, and ruining his marriage.
He has no excuse for being abusive to his wife or family! I don't care what the problem is!
You can talk talk talk all you like. He's too stressed to listen. He needs answers, and that will come from getting some business-advice. He has to directly confront the soc-called factors that have delayed or derailed his success.
Don't approach a person you can visibly see is distraught or over-stressed. You ask if everything is okay? Quietly and patiently listen. Test the waters first! Save your commentary for a better time, if you get an angry response.
You shouldn't have to tiptoe around people; but you shouldn't stand in-front of an oncoming train either! That's common-sense. If you can't fix it, don't argue about it!
Stressed-out people are most likely to snap at you or take-out their frustrations full-force; if you try to scold them.
You have to allow people time and space to unwound and decompress. You have your own moments when words don't help. You wouldn't pickup a scalding pot with your bare hands would you? Let it cool, or use something to protect yourself. Same with people. Men under too much pressure are volatile and temperamental; because they feel everything caving-in, or closing-in on them. They are in a state of desperation and anxiety. You know that feeling? Like you're cornered; and everyone is coming at you all at once!
If you know he's about to crack, you should avoid confrontation. He should also see his doctor! His blood-pressure and heart are adversely-effected by too much stress and work-pressure. See your religious leadership for some counseling and prayer. You also have to protect your own health and well-being. Stress is contagious!
If you don't know what to say or do to relieve his stress; just give him room. Don't hover or pace around him. Being tough with him only corners him, and creates more tension. It wasn't about you, but now it is.
First he has to get past his ego and accept that he doesn't know how to pull himself out of his problem without help. If he doesn't want to hear it from you, he has to hear it from somebody else. Preferably a professional.
You are his support-system. His partner. He doesn't need you needling at him, because he will only redirect his anger onto you; and use you as a whipping-post, or sounding-board for his frustrations. You don't deserve that. He has no right to turn on you; because he doesn't know how to get himself out of his conundrum. You're not the enemy!
He needs the help of an expert, or experts. He has to put his pride and ego aside. He has bitten-off more than he can chew! You mentioned that he has outside-factors interfering with his progress; and apparently, the wolves are at the gate. So he can trash his marriage and lose both businesses; or decide to seek some outside professional-advice that might give him some ideas, relieve pressure, and offer him a better business-strategy.
If he allows the businesses to reflect losses; he will not be eligible for business-loans or a credit-line. So he can't delay on seeking help.
If family, friends, or business-associates are his sources of irritation and distraction; then he better put his foot-down. He has to eliminate detractors and nay-sayers. Anyone who is not part of the solution, is a part of his problem. He has to see it for what it is, and deal with it. He can't keep bringing home the devil on his back; and expect to keep his marriage in-tact. You don't deserve to see him angry and stressed-out all the time. Then get yelled at for trying to help!
He can't catch a break; because he may be too busy trying to prove to you (or somebody) he's not a failure. Maybe his parents? Particularly an overbearing-father, in most instances like these. Sometimes it is a pushy and demanding-mother; who can never be satisfied. That hits even harder. No one can get to your heart and soul like your mother.
Micromanaging also causes a lot of stress. If he's constantly on-top of his help, he will drive them bonkers; and loss of productivity will be the result. Not to mention loss of good help!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 May 2018):
 I think you should ask HIM.
And I think you two should talk about how he talks to you, that needs to stop. I get that being stressed sucks and can make people on edge but there is no good excuse to lash out at you.
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