A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear allI need some advice.I met a girl online several months ago, as a language exchange. That was all I was looking for and her too i believe.We get along great and have learned a lot together. Our personalities are very similar, lots of similar interests.She lives at the opposite end of the country to me, and will go home soon for several months (different continent) and then go to study in Ireland whilst I will stay in the UK for several years to finish studying. That's all ok with me, however she confessed that she has feelings for me.She is a really nice girl, a great person, but I hadn't met her in person or anything so it took me by surprise. so I told her that we hadn't met and I felt we should be friends. She said that was fine and we could be friends. Eventually we did meet a few times over the course of a few days when she was staying nearby. we had a great time, but still we've only spent a handful of hours together in person. for me that is far too soon to have feelings for anyone. I am quite shy and need to feel comfortable before I like someone. Usually it takes me far too long and by that stage they just see me as a friend or have already up, but that's another story.After she stayed nearby, she again told me she likes me and asked me if i felt different now we had met. I don't want to hurt her, i don't want to lead her on, but I don't want to flat out reject her as i don't want to hurt her that way either, as honestly the reason i say no isn't because she isn't attractive or kind or intelligent, its simply far too soon for me to know, its too soon for me to feel anything, that is just the way i usually am. She is a nice person, but I am only just beginning to really feel i can be myself. it takes me a while to feel able to be the real me.Even if i did develop feelings for her, I feel the long distance would be very difficult. I don't want to lead her on and I don't want her to feel she is unattractive as she is a very nice girl. No one believes "it's not you, its me" anymore but that is kind of how i feel at the moment. Fortunately, she seems very relaxed and has said she is happy to be friends and i do believe her, we talked normally after i said no and she didn't seem to bothered by it, but sometimes she makes jokes about being attracted to me and it makes me uncomfortable as i dont want to mislead her. If i told her we shouldn't be friends that would hurt her most of all, i am pretty sure she is happy to remain friends as when she first confessed she spend a long time before it asking if i would remain friends with someone who i rejected and she said she felt very relieved after that.I'm sorry if i am not explaining this well, its hard to express clearly. I feel like whatever I do I could hurt her and really that is the last thing i want.what do you think I should do?
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female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016  +, writes (26 May 2018):
Just tell her it isn't working. From experience flat out rejection is a lot kinder then making some excuse. I say because when an excuse is made (for example "I'm not ready for a relationship"), that leaves things open, the other person will hope there is a chance.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 May 2018):
 OP says, " its too soon for me to feel anything, that is just the way i usually am. " To me that says Demi sexual. Demi Sexual people need to develop a close emotional relationship before they can feel sexually attracted. Do you think that definition fits you?
I'm Demi and at this late point in my life am really coming to terms with it. At your age I had been through many relationships (non sexual), because I just took the risks. I met and got to know a lot of really great young women.
My advice is that you get to know yourself better. Understanding your own drives, or fears, or whatever it is that is holding you back will give you the right things to say in these situations. For now when you talk to her it is OK to say "its hard to express clearly". Because that is the honest truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2018): It's common for infatuated-people to fake being satisfied with a pretend-friendship; when they actually want more. They may stubbornly hold-on to see whether time will change how you feel about them. Sometimes it works!
The world is full of amorous people who fixate on a crush; and they hold onto hope for as long as they possibly can. It's more along the lines of fantasy/obsession than reality. They want to have romance in their lives so badly; they'll easily attach, once any kind of connection is made. Then the objective is to see what they can do to create the type of relationship they truly want.
She plans to make this happen. Once some people get something in their heads; shaking them loose isn't an easy thing to do. You want to be considerate of their feelings, it's flattering; but it puts you on the spot! By the same token, no means no! Don't imply "maybe." That's playing games with her.
She just might be more cunning or persuasive than you're giving her credit for! Your niceness gives her courage and boldness.
She is a grown-woman. You may hurt her feelings with honesty; but stringing someone along by their feelings is much more cruel than rejecting them. Eventually her clinging and persistence will become annoying and desperate. Your patience will wear thin; and you will lose the restraint and composure you now have. That's when you might become mean; and use a lot more force; than if you were honest and assertive about it from the beginning.
Your friend-zoning her might feel good on your conscience; but it isn't fair.
Treat her like an adult, and let her know there is no possibility of romance. That will modify the behavior. Also inform her how you feel about long-distance relationships. Add an element of finality. Then it will begin to sink-in.
Don't create false-hope, or you may have a more difficult situation to handle; if she becomes even more attached. Wavering and beating around the bush is sending her the mixed-message there's still some remote possibility. For a very stubborn or desperate woman, that's enough. She will try and manipulate the friendship into something more. All she needs is one foot in the door!
She has to be able to move on. Don't keep her on-hold.
She's going to give it a good try. Once she realizes you're not looking for what she wants; reason and futility will loosen her grip. Reality will settle-in.
Friendship is not what she's looking for; and by now, you should realize that. Stop toying with her. She's not a child. She's being assertive enough to let you know, she's not giving-up that easily!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 May 2018):
 She isn’t happy to be friends. That’s an absolute lie.
No one on this earth is happy to be friends which someone that they’re romantically interested in. She’s saying that because she doesn’t want to lose you fully and she’s one day hoping that you’ll change your mind. You need to be blunt in these situations or she will always have that false hope that it may develop into something more.
It’s not nice to hurt anyone, but In this instance it’s hard not to. If she brings it up again then you need to be clear and firm that you see her only as a friend and that it won’t be developing into anything more.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 May 2018):
 My thoughts? If you carry on being so scared and cautious, you are going to miss out on a lot in your life. It already sounds like you have missed out on stuff because you have been so cautious. Nobody goes through life without getting hurt by someone - unless they live the life of a hermit and never open themselves up to anyone,in which case they miss out on a lot of joy as well.
I do understand that you need to feel comfortable with someone before you can develop feelings for them, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - as long as you do not put your life on hold while you are waiting.
In your shoes I would explain to this girl that YOU need to really get to know someone before your feelings start to surface. Explain that is just the way you are and, although you like her as a friend and think she is attractive, you need to get to know her better - and for her to get to know YOU better - before you know how you will feel about her in terms of a relationship with her.
I suspect she may eventually get tired of waiting and being "friend zoned" and may find someone who is less cautious and more willing to take a risk. However, that does not mean you should pretend to feel something you don't.
Be yourself. You are obviously a very kind and caring person as you are so worried about hurting this girl. (You could explain all that to her as well.) At some point in your life you are going to have to step off that cliff and trust that you are going to fly. Yes, it comes with the risk of crashing but the joy of flying makes it worth the risk.
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