A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am 8 weeks pregnant , was so happy with everything and looking forward to the future but now I’m seriously re thinking the whole thing. I have been with my partner a while and we were just discussing the blood tests I am getting for my pregnancy and that it involves testing for hepatitis. He told me he was immune to it and I asked why he would be. He told me he had the vaccine at some sexual health clinic and I asked why. He has just told me that he has slept with 6 prostitutes in the past before we met. 4 of these were in Amsterdam and 2 were in the uk one in the city we live in via an adult escort website. I knew he had slept with one but now I’m finding out that he’s blown loads of money on multiple prostitutes. I feel a bit disgusted if I am brutally honest. I know He has been lonely and single many years and does not believe he is attractive. He carries a bit of weight and has never really had luck with women. So I understand why he would do it with low confidence. But I’ve heard so many bad things about prostitution , the way women are treated and it makes me question his character . Is he just the type that will just sleep with anything that moves, anything with a heartbeat he’s not fussed who he gets into bed with. I am also not convinced he slept protected with them as he didn’t quite formate sexual partners. (I made him get a check before we got together) He said he was drunk with them all and one he found on an online escort site and went to her house. This is something I never thought he was capable of doing and that he had a bit more self respect, even if he was lonely. .I don’t know how to feel about it all. I know it was all before we met but it’s a horrible thing to find out. I’ve never known anyone who’s slept with a hooker before. I’m also worried that any lads holiday will just turn into a visit to a brothel as his friends are very much like him. I know men who are virgins in their late 20s but still do not lower themselves to visiting brothels or hookers. Before we met he was always trying to talk to any woman he could to try to get laid. I know this for a fact. But apparently it never worked and he hadn’t slept with a woman in years before we met. But It seems to me that he would go with anything so what makes me so special to him. Would anyone really want a child to be raised by someone who doesn’t have any self respect? I am seriously reconsidering my options right now but is this just selfish of me? What can I do to make myself feel better about all this? I’m sure it happens all the time but men probably do not mention it. Is it a common thing? Has anyone found this out about their partner and managed to go on with the relationship without it in the back of their mind ? I feel like I cannot look at him right now. I feel sick thinking about it.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 July 2018):
 I don't think prostitution is black and white. Personally I don't like the idea of it at all. Now this was before he met you and it sounds like he has his issues. Men and women look at sex differently. Also it is not as rare as you may think. There wouldn't be such a market for it if it was.
Where you happy before all this came out? Because it doesn't sound to me like you love him, you don't have a very good opinion of him and it sounds like its coming from a lot more than him visiting prostitutes.
I think it would benefit you both to go and talk to a therapist to try and help understand each other, that is off course if you want to try and make this relationship work, if you don't then it might be best just to end things.
As for the baby, you say it wouldn't be fair to bring a child in to this? Really? Just because he has a past, like most people do does not mean he cannot be a good dad or that he will mistreat his child. Believe me there are children in the world far worse off than that. The child would never even know about this as he or she grows up. If you are thinking off aborting a baby over this then maybe you are not ready to be a mother. I get you are upset and angry at the moment, but that is not your innocent child's fault and it would be a shame if your baby didn't survive because of this. You may feel like he is not the person you thought he was, but he might feel the same or worse about you if he found out you where considering killing his unborn baby.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2018): A man who thinks it's ok to buy women is no kind of partner or father
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): This would bother me because he isn't the man I thought he was. And that means everything. He would fail to be the kind of a man I could respect, love and would be worthy of me. It would bother me as long as I was with him. And I'd start to resent him and the marriage would definitely break down over time. You'd always worry about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): I would book an abortion for a few weeks time and seriously think about what to do for the best. You don't have to go through with it bit it will help you make the right decision either way. But I will say one thing, you don't seem to fancy, like or respect your boyfriend never mind 'love' unless that is just anger speaking. Work out if you can move on from it and whether you can honestly have a child with him, because they are for life and no judge would deny him access to seeing his child based on a past that doesn't affect his ability as a father.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): I am also going to add to my reply to you. Prostition is the oldest trade in the world so go figure if other men have used the services and it's 'rare' I am guessing most women just never find out their partners past. In any war prostitutes are brought in or used. Our big wars soldiers would line up to have 15 minutes of sex, be it that they was married and wanted comfort or they were young lads who wanted to experience sex. Also you make a lot of references that puts your partner down, I have to ask you what exactly did you see in him if he was fat, unattractive and puts his wick in anything? Would it have been more acceptable if he had had several one night stands? Are those women more acceptable? Women can use men and vice versa without prostitution, my boyfriends ex wife married him to get a visa, in my mind that's free prostitution. Work out if you can let it go, whether he is a decent man and who would be a decent father because nothing is set in stone, his past mistakes don't necessarily mean he will want to repeat them, he may very well count his blessings he has finally been lucky enough to have found a woman he loves@!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): Okay i have read and read your post and your reply and as there is an unborn child here who is at risk i feel i want to give my advice for what it is worth. I used to be in the armed forces and as well as that i have two brothers. I know for a FACT that a lot of young lads do this kind of stuff and that is EVEN without any plausible reason, low self esteem, can't get anyone etc etc. Different reasons they did, it was an experience, young and single, don't want a relationship with ties. Even good looking young lads i knew had chosen brothels over a relationship or dating. They have gone onto getting married and having children and i can honestly say years later as i am on Facebook with a lot of them, they are happy and still with their respective partners. Look males are different to females in that they do see sex as just that if they are not looking for a relationship, not all granted before i am shot down, but from my experience of working with them then yes that was my observation. To be fair when i was younger i didn't care for relationships either, granted i didn't pay for sex but i did just have sex just for that, with no love or feelings involved, has it affected my ability to fall in love? In short no.I slept with numerous men when i was younger and when i look back i feel i cheapened myself, but at 45 years old i have only loved two men and the second one is my current partner who i met last year. Why is he better than all the rest, because my feelings for him are real and not based on sex and lust.You know your partner enough to know he had low self esteem and while you don't get his choices he made them and has to live with them.What i would like to know is, how did he come across when he admitted all this too you? Genuine remorse? did he brush it off as no biggie? did he say it was a long time ago? how long ago was it in the grand scheme of things, was it very recently that he stopped? Also how does 'Everyone know' who is everyone? how do they know? and how do you know for a 'Fact' that he tried it on with anyone and everyone before he met you?What you need to do is to trust your gut, how did you meet? Was he keen to try and rush you into bed? did he make you feel special? does he now? how do you honestly view your relationship, if you didn't have this information to hand would you feel confident and comfortable in the relationship? Something made all this come out, because in all honesty YES young lads do stuff that a lot of females wouldn't, difference is most would never tell their respective partners, they would leave it where it belongs, in the murky past. Lots of lads do try it on with lots of women again when younger and if they don;t want to settle down,bit when they find the woman they do want more with they put that behind them, is this the case with you do you feel? No prostitution is not right, as a woman most of us will agree wholeheartedly with your views, BUT a young lad is not going to think all that through when they are drunk, with mates, want the experience and maybe just to gain experience they can't get another way. You need to either forgive him and move forward IF you feel he is the genuine deal with you for all the reasons i have outlined or you seriously don't bring a baby into the equation for all the reasons you have outlined because trust me children are damn hard work even with two parents and supportive family. The last thing you want is a baby you cannot support on your own, to stay with a man you cannot move forward with and forget his mistakes and a lifetime of regret. You need to think now and think fast i'm afraid, find a way to talk to someone impartial if you can and make sense of it because your feeling will only intensify as the pregnancy progresses. Sorry, no easy answers to this but that is my honest take on your situation, i hope whatever you decide to do in the long run you are okay x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018): I'm like you OP . I have a major issue with men who think it's acceptable to buy women. They have no idea whatsoever what led those women to make that choice . Sure they can wax lyrical that the women choose it but ultimately many people make bad choices because of limited reasons . It's doesn't make it ok to support those choices , or an industry that disrespects women . I don't speak just from an outsider specilation pov either . I have first hand knowledge and can assure you most women in the industry are disgusted by their clients and do it purely because the money is needed . Sure there may be some who are living the 'pretty woman ' lifestyle but these are in the minorityIt's a sad fact that the only two industries where women earn more than men are prostituation ( including porn ) and modelling . This shows thie value society puts on women ie the most important thing about us is our bodies and how they can be used to pleasure men . Men will pay for this , some men .What if you have a daughter . Do you want her raised by a man who believes a woman's value is her vagina and it can be bought for pleasure by a man . What kind of role model will he be . No just no . I'm sorry this is happening to you but it's better you found this out now than later .Lonely or not , taking advantage of another's bad choices and using their body for something like Sex is never ok
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018): Hi both, thank you for your answers. I totally agree with you both it’s disgusting and I’m ashamed. People know what he’s done too which makes me even more ashamed. I honestly thought he respected women more but he just doesn’t care he just wants to get his wick wet. He has been so irresponsible in the past whereas I’ve always been sensible (I was in a long term relationship for most of my teenage years early 20s) I fell out of love with my ex but he was a million times a better person than my new partner. He was respectful, kind and never kept things from me. ( I can’t believe I’m even saying that ) This does feel like a deal breaker for me. This isn’t the first time he’s kept serious things from me . He always said he’s too afraid to hurt my feelings or too afraid to lose me. problem I face now is that If I end this , I simply cannot be a single mother I would not be able to cope or afford it. I don’t have any family support near me at all to help and I work a very stressful busy job with long hours. He works a flexible job and is on an extremely good salary . So both combined we were both ready for it. Everything was fine until he told me all this. I was confident that I wanted to be with him and start a family. Now I’m just not so sure anymore. It’s altered my view of him. I’m just grossed out when I look at him , it’s heartbreaking because I love him dearly. I will mull it over but I feel like I need to act quickly. I can’t bring a poor baby Into this world where it will be a financial struggle and no one to support me and the father is just covering things up and being shady about things. I would also need to sort out somewhere to live too. I don’t know what to do about it all.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 July 2018):
 How does he treat YOU? I ask because I am going to buck the trend here and say, I do not think someone who uses prostitutes is necessarily a bad person.
A lonely person? Probably.
A weak person? Maybe.
An ill informed person? Quite probably.
A bad person? Not necessarily.
We have all done things in our past of which we are not proud, especially when drunk. How did you see your future before you found out? And also, is it just a "game of numbers" because you seemed to accept he went with ONE prostitute but you balk at the idea of him having been with SIX.
I work with 3 guys who went on holiday to Amsterdam and two of them ended up SHARING a prostitute because one of them wanted to "tick a box". Some men feel that, if they go to Amsterdam, they have to "sample the produce", so to speak.
I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and find out whether he truly believes his prostitute-visiting days are over - at least while he is in a relationship with you. Assuming you planned to have a baby together, I have to assume you actually like this man as a person. Nobody is perfect but only YOU can decide what is a deal-breaker for you. For me, while not being something I would approve of or like, it would not be a deal-breaker if he could assure me this was something from his past and he promised he would never use prostitutes again while he was with you. However, we are all different and you must decide how important this is to you.
I wish you all the best for your future and for your baby. I do hope you can work it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018): Well if you want to find a way to torture yourself you are on the correct course.I cant believe that you have flicked from happy to sad like this.The fact is you are having a baby and he may make the most wonderful dad.You were one happy lady until you talked about blood tests.He spoke to you honestly and from that you construed that he will cheat on you with lads holidays.He may likely never go on a lads holiday!There is no need to hold his sexual past against him.I think your hysteria may be about the fact that you have decided to become a mum, but then again maybe you have decided not to.Thats a whole other issue!Clearly this guy has been frightened of commitment and rejection before he met you, so he went where he knew neither were available.But here we have it: Its your life and its your decision how you live your life and the choices you make.He has had six encounters of the non spiritual kind and quite probably there was more to it when he met you!Would you be happier if he got six girls pregnant before he met you and had to spend his Saturdays with his youngsters and spend a sizeable portion of his wages on child support?What if there were exbaby mums from his past lurking between the sheets ready to hop into bed when you went out?Or a vast family network willing and able to critise your every move and secretly comment that they liked his ex so much more than you because the ex used to understand him better!Or a previous history as a violent man who punched up any woman who didnt find him attractive enough for sex.The list goes on.If your man means anything to you then talk to him about becoming a dad.Did you watch 'Pretty Woman' and turn away in disgust when he picked her up from the kerbside?Did you walk out of the room at those disgusting love scenes on the piano?Yes, it was romanticised.But it influenced people into thinking prostitution wasnt all bad because she even met a millionaire in the film out of it.But he wanted to drop her at one point and nearly lost her until the third class doorman pointed out what a waste that would be.Those third class people do get it right sometimes dont they?And of course it was a happy ending because thats what we all love.Maybe your prince was a toad once but one kiss from you should have turned him back into a prince.Maybe you should take a quick bit of counselling to discover if you really are on the correct path together.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 July 2018):
Yes, you can vaccinate against hepatitis A and B ( I believe it is) but there are hepatitis C - D and E that you can not, so he can still have hepatitis. Just saying.
The UK is in the TOP 5! when it comes to STD's like HPV - Chlamydia, hepatitis C, and 6th in HIV.
(source https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/std-us-eu/)
So it's PRETTY important if you don't WANT an STD like HPV or hepatitis C that you CAN NOT cure, that you are smart about your sexual health and sexual partners.
I don't think it's common for guys to use prostitutes, I know again that the UK is high on the list when it comes to sex workers per capita, so maybe in the UK is is more common than in Denmark where I am from. With the raise of apps like Tindr I think casual sex has gone up astronomically (and that correlate directly with the higher numbers of STD's)
Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me. Just no. While some (few) women CHOOSES to prostitute there are so many more who are trafficked and forced. I just... no.
And if he has blown money on this before, who is to say he won't while he is with you.
Being DRUNK is no excuse.
Now he might not view prostitution as you and I do. But for me it comes down to the fact that someone who is willing to BUY another person to USE them sexually... it's just a no go for me.
You have to decide if this is important or not to you. It DID happen in the past, correct? So before he met you and started dating you.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (5 July 2018):
 I would feel the same, it's about values and standards that you clearly differ on.. he should have let you know EARLIER about the fact this feels like a normal frequent thing to do, where as you (like many women I think) think of it as revolting- AND the fact he withheld that from me would make me absolutely livid.. it's not a small lie- a one off when he was paralytic maybe, six times show that he is fundamentally condoning it. For me a man that thiks prostitution is OK is of very questionable character. In my opinion there's something so chillingly unnatural, degrading and inhuman about it.. just yuck.
Whatever he says I would not be wanting to hear. What else is he lying about??? Surely there's NO WAY of 100% guaranteeing you won't get Hep?? Even if there is a hep jab the fact he got the jab SHOWS he was practising/ prepared to practise unprotected sex- and guess what you can tell him there's DEFINITELY NO WAY there's anything to 100% protect you against HIV.. so he's likely put you at risk of that!!
For me this is deal breaker. He withheld very sketchy information that he knew would show him in a different light.. I used to have a boyfriend who was a virgin at 27 basically gagging for sex all the time(we both lost our virginity to each other) but I asked him if his frustration ever lead to him to prostitution, because if it turned out he did I wouldn't really want to touch him again.. maybe it seems shallow/ petty but I have such an aversion to it and think it's such a gross thing to do, not just physically but morally. It WOULD be a deal breaker for me.
That's me though. I would just focus on the baby for now and just take it as easy as you can. Mull it over, if you can't overcome it then leave. Tell him as soon as you know you can't be with him. Just make sure you get paternity payment from him. Ultimately it's a personal decision nobody can make it for you.
TAke care
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (5 July 2018):
 I'm sorry that you are going through this. I would feel the same in your situation as I feel paying for sex is very sleezy. If I found my parter had done that a lot in the past, I would look at him differently, despite loving him very much. It's just one of those things, you either see it as harmless or acceptable, or do not feel comfortable about it. I don't know about how many men do think prostitution is acceptable, or do it, but I have had one partner say he had once visited one, and I met another man who bragged about using cheap Thai prostitutes who seemed to think he was doing a good deed by paying them good money for their services... yuk! It's a datk, seedy world, and one I'd rather not be a part of. Although, on the other hand, I'm sure their are many people, men and women who feel they are empowered by selling sex and say that they are consenting adults, making a choice. It all comes down to personal feelings.What it boils down to is that you and your partner have different opinions on this, so you need to discuss his thoughts and feelings around this to see how you feel. Find out if he still thinks it is acceptable. You don't want to be worried about him doing it again. Let him know it is a deal braker, if he ever were to visit a prostitute while you are together. Give it some time to let this information settle, and see how you feel. You need to do what is best for you and your child at this time. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 July 2018):
 It's not entirely rare, but it's not very common either. It's also not selfish to feel the way you do; I'd probably feel different about someone I was dating too.
That said, you're pregnant, so you've both gone past that stage now and you've got to think of the bigger picture.
Was this pregnancy planned? Is there a legal commitment in the near future?
This all seems a bit rushed. How long is "been together a while"?
I think you'll need all of the support you can get during and after this pregnancy, so I'd advise therapy now to help you come to terms with it, if that's what you'd like to do. I don't think "the past is the past, just forget about it and move on" is the answer.
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