A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im currently 6 months pregnant and feel so lonely and depressed. I have a very weird relationship with my husband. We rarely spent time together because of our different schedule. I went to parents home in the morning while he still asleep and went back at night after dinner when he is going to work until midnight. Its been almost a year and since this 7 months i feel the difference in him. He became emotionally distant and impatience. He often burst out anger and temprament in small things and lose patience in a very irrational occasion, like waiting for obgyn and facing traffic jam. He will vent and looks very unhappy. Grumpy and keep sighing along the way. The reason i went home is i get very uneasy and no privacy in his house. We live with his parent. And why he went out until midnight? He has expedition business that operate until midnight. Its his start up business. His money has been run out by his customer and he is depressed. But still he start again from 0 to build his business. So we barely see each other. It affect our relationship alot. Some influence from his family side is the factor too. His family told him about how i ignore the family by keep going home and how irresponsible i am as a wife. I know he try to be fair as middle man but their influence changes him. Im not a saint. I also have my mistake. Maybe i criticize him a lot in the past and he feel judged and uncomfortable with me. We hardly have conversation that are meaningful or fun. Often ends with arguements. He used to bring me to hang out with his friend before but now he never brings me along. I dont even know he is going out with his new gang that are a very bad influence for him. Theyre man who likes to have fun in the dark side. Clubbing. Tattoes. Drinks. Woman. My husband has a lying habit. I know it since we are dating. We have been together for 8 years before we marry. He is a pathological liar. Why i marry him you ask. He has some qualities and drive that i love. He is caring and very patient with me. He is very driven to success and make a good living for us. Keep promising that i will be the first one to feel his hard work after he succeed. Some of my friend feel he is only good in promising me things that sounds wonderful but never keep it. Its been 7 months we barely have sex because he never intiate it anymore and whenever i ask he said he is tired and not in the mood. After we found out im pregnant he keep using my pregnancy as the reason he doesnt want sex although i show him its safe to have sex when pregnant. I have some feeling that somethings wrong in our relationship. Until i found out he plays live video chat. There are many woman and the woman is like prostitutes. They open their clothes and people who watch it can pay for the woman via coins or points. He usually went into bathroom for almost an hour and will lock the door. Lately he lock the bedroom door when he is alone and when i want to get in i call for him and wait for several minutes for him to open the door. When i asked him what he did and why he lock the door. He said he is afraid of the maid will coming in because he doesnt wear anything which is a lie. The maid will knock the door and wont get in until we let them. I also see his youtube history that connected to our tv he is searching for plus2 spa and porn. I think thats the reason why he lose interest in sex towards me. He also has changes in appearance. He used to not caring much about apperance and can go out directly from bed. But now he keep his apperance good especially every saturday night he will wear differrently. Also almost evry saturday he went home later than usual and as usual its work he say. When i video call him he sometimes doesnt answer and text me he is talking with his client. Or he answer but he went into his car and get mad that i keep calling him. Say he is embarrased his wife keep calling him. I found some woman contact on his phone. These woman has wild appearance thats not kind of college friend or friend that he should have. He always has his own answer about who they are. Its his friends firends or its his friends crush. He borrow his phone to his friend to call the girl he said. Irrational. But if i argue or asked more he will shut me down by yelling at me and say im too controlling. How to save this marriage? Ive been thinking to ask him join our old friends who have their happy small family and hope he will learn from them whats a normal life is. How they treat their wife and kids. Is it a good idea? Last week we have arguement which led him saying " i dont have any feeling for you anymore. I hope we can be just friend and you can still live with me and we raised the soon to be born son together. If you found better man you could be with him and divorce me. Just dont intervene in each other business anymore". Im hurt deeply by his word as im pregnant with his son and its my first experience that should be wonderful instead of lonely and depressed like this. I hardly sleep and feels very tired all day long. I feel guilty to my baby. Im very desperate and dont know how to fix this. I am very insecure and anxious thinking about him. I keep wondering what he did outside that i dont know. How to stop this. How to make him to be him before this. I feel very powerless and dont know what should i do. I want to fix this instead of leaving him. I know he still cares about me. We are currently on good term and he is more gentle towards me. I know soon or later he will disappoint me again. I know he has many issues himself that make him depressed too. Like the pressure of work and thinking the cost of our baby. But when he hamg out with his friends on saturday night why he doesng feel guilty at all.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 July 2018):
 OP you ask the same thing over and over again and you never listen to the advice that you have already been giving. How much longer are you going to keep living this way? His family doesn't like you, well mainly his mother and sister, his father tolerates you. He does not love you, if he did then he would be treating you much better. Do you not feel you deserve more than this? Do you really think this is an ideal situation to bring a child in to? Your husband is not going to change, he will keep searching for other women and he will keep living his life as a single Batchelor while you will keep continuing to not be happy! He does not care about you OP if he did he would not treat you this way. Have more self respect in yourself to end things with him and be happy! You deserve to be happy and so does your unborn child! I have a feeling you won't leave him though and I will see this question again in another few weeks. From previous posts it appears that you are unable to take care off yourself, you don't cook or do housework, you spend all day at your parents and you want your husband to bring home the money. Want more for yourself OP, learn to stand on your own two feet and look after yourself, you will need to do this now more so than ever because looking after a child is not easy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): I think he is a man child. He is very immature and doesnt have self control. But deep inside i know he still cares about me. But thinks im nagging and controlling by wanting to know his wherebout every night he isnt home? In my opinion its normal as a wife to worry about her husband not going home until midnight knowing he has bad circle of friends and his tendency to have relationship with woman casually. In his opinion i should just shut up and treat and care for him as a traditional wife should do. At least its how his mpm shape his mind. But times has changes and people should have their own freedom to choose after they married which is his mom doesnt want to understand until now.
My father cant stand up for me worrying it will cause more harm than good. My mom actually hates my husband after she knows about this. My father is a very patience man and prefer peace than confrontation. He told me to be more ptience to go through this. Its my first pregnancy and i wish my husband can be more supportive but otherwise i suspect him cheat on me. He has intention to leave me and irresponsible. Im very depressed by now.
What ultimatum should i give him considering he is not afraid to lose me anymore. If i told him im leaving he will give me freedom and never look back probably. I wish he can regret what he did to me. In 3 months i will gave birth to our son and i wish i can went through at least a happu experience with him. But how. At past he is afraid if im leaving him. But now he directly told me about his intention to leave on our own way and told his parent about this. Which they freak out and side on me. He threathen to told my parent too. He is super immature and make decision just based on his current emotion. Tomorrow is saturday and i ask him to go somewhere and stay for a night which he refuse said he is working. I know he is going to have fun with his friends.
What should i do? What ultimatum i could give him considering he isnt afraid to lose me and the baby? How should my father step up and involve in this? What should my father said to him? He will have excuses and reasons to why he treat me like this. He is very good at pin pointing my mistake and make me feel guilty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): And this is what happens when gold diggers latch onto a man. They don't see what kind of a man he really is. Because they're not looking. They delude themselves into thinking he's a good guy cause he gives them a comfortable life. Well this guy is as asshole a thousand times over. And you put up with it. So he keeps treating you like shit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): WiseOwlE, you're a great Agony Aunt!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): You've got the kind of husband who probably got married under the pressure of cultural-tradition and pushy parents. Otherwise; he would have been a happy-bachelor chasing skirts.
Your post looks familiar. If you've written here before; asking again and again won't change the advice much. If you don't use it, and just keep asking over and over hoping someone comes-up with a magical-answer; you might be disappointed.
The remedy to a having a bad husband or bad wife; is to divorce them, if they refuse to change. You don't describe a man who seems to love you. It sounds like a marriage forced and done out of necessity; but was never under the terms of mutual-love and affection.
It comes down to a your culture; which allows for men to treat women anyway they please. Unless you are a strong-willed woman who will not put-up with nonsense; he will continue to be a mean and selfish man. You made a bad choice for a husband. I'm sorry there is no way to change him; but to divorce and replace him. He has suggested you do that; so it may be your only recourse.
You can't marry a nasty person; then think you can change him or her into a nice one. Babies don't necessarily turn men into nice men and good fathers. He is what he is, and that happens to be a bad choice for a husband.
I feel I've responded to your posts before. You apparently don't like our (or my) answers; and keep writing hoping you'll find some magical-answer that will change your life. Keep trying; but there's not much you can do about a bad husband, but leave him. He is an adult with his on will; and he knows you can't do anything to stop him. You seem to be a very timid and submissive person; so it makes it that much more easy for him to walk-over you.
Stay with your own family until the baby is born. He has decided marriage and fatherhood is not for him.
Pray for a miracle. Maybe when he is presented with his new son, he will change. As I recall, I believe you said his business fluctuates and may be failing. That is no excuse for being a terrible man. I think the problem is you were impressed; because he had a business, and you thought he would make a good husband. Perhaps you were mistaken. He's not.
You have to divorce a bad husband. Trying to change him would be difficult or impossible; if he doesn't want to. I think the more time you spend with the people who love you; the better you'll feel. Your husband seems to get worse the more you keep trying to get him to change. Strange both your families just sit-by and just allow him to treat you so badly. I guess it's just how old cultural-traditions work.
If you are on good terms for now. Enjoy it for what it's worth. Stop asking him what he does outside the marriage. You already know.
You say you want to fix it, instead of leaving him. That's what you're supposed to do. Try until you can't anymore.
You can't do it by yourself; he has to be working with you. Once he becomes a father; he won't have a lot of time to be hanging-out with friends. He will have to work to support his family. Maybe that's when he will realize he has to take marriage and fatherhood a lot more seriously.
Pray and don't lose hope. Sometimes, God-willing, men come around once they see their family needs and loves them. Even his no-count friends will start to tell him it's time to grow-up and be a man. Obviously his father won't, and your father doesn't stand-up for his own daughter. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I guess Saturday night is his night to party and blow-off some steam.
Once the baby is born, he won't be able to afford it much anymore. Babies have a lot of needs. Neighbors and family-members will start to look down on him. They will if they stand for anything. If you don't show you have a backbone; maybe everyone has decided to step-away until you grow one.
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