A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello I have been married for 27 years. In those years I have left my husband twice. My husband is super clingy. If I enter a room in the house, he is behind me. If I want to take a bath, he comes into the washroom to talk. I don't seem to get any "me time" and I really dont like it. When I tell him how I feel he gets easily defensive and an argument erupts, so I really try not to mention it. If I'm cooking he is near by giving me advice on what I'm doing wrong. It becomes very frustrating. If I watch a show, he throws negative comments about it. It's like I am living in a prison here Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2018): This would drive me insane. I don't agree at all with the other respondent who says you are lucky and most women would kill for this kind of behaviour. It is NOT a sign that he is into you at all, it's a sign that he is not confident in being his own person and, for that reason, cannot relate to you as a full person in your own right. This is more like a child with his mother. Afraid to let you go. Anxious as a man in any case and then becoming controlling (to try to stave off his anxiety) by either following you - quite literally - around the house or by criticising ie. he feels out of control even if you cook or watch TV because it is something that you are doing that is even slightly separate to him.Honestly I don't know how you put up with this. It is not remotely romantic or sexy in my view because it is absolutely NOT the same as someone really encouraging you to do your own thing and then showing a healthy interest and healthy love and affection when you return home. As a woman in a situation like this, you can never relax and feel both free and protected by your man. This is not protective behaviour, this is just controlling due to inner anxiety. It is NOT your job to keep reassuring him by allowing him to follow you and allowing him to criticise you - the fact that you tolerate this is establishing a pattern which he finds reassuring. This is what anxious and controlling men do - they establish patterns so that they can feel reassured and safe.If it were me I'd just leave him. If you want to stay, suggest he sees a psychoanalyst for his behaviour - though I doubt he will. What this all boils down to is separation anxiety. Deep in his unconscious he has not properly separated from his mother and you are his mother substitute. Look into his relationship with his mother and there you will find all sorts of clues as to what's going on here. He won't change unless he sees an analyst or unless you leave.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (7 July 2018):
 Hmm clinginess can be a good thing, in that it's a sign he is faithful and really into you. But, as he doesn't listen when you ask for space and argues with you, plus his critical comments, this makes me think he is trying to be controlling, which is not loving behaviour. This is why you feel you are trapped in a prison. He gives you no freedom to be.
Don't stand for his critical, unhelpful comments. If I were you I'd tell him to either help with the cooking or get out of the kitchen. Or tell him to make his own food if he doesn't like the way you cook.
As for the TV shows, tell him either if he doesnt like your shows, do something else, you're not forcing him to watch them with you. Get 2 TVs, if you need to and can afford to.
For the bathroom, tell him point blank, you want alone time, and lock the door if needs be.
I'd give him a chance to change, after 27 years, there must be, or have been love between you. But he needs to listen and hear you out, without arguing. I would suggest either couples counselling or solo counselling for you, so you can work through these issues. It sounds like an unhappy situation but not a hopeless one.
Give him a chance, but if things don't improve, then it's better to end it now than endure this unhappiness for 27 more years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): Most women would kill to have a husband who is so into them rather than emotionally distant, selfish, disinterested, never home, or always watching porn.
You're lucky and you don't even know it. That's sad. Why don't you divorce him and let him find a woman who really appreciates him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): You are not into him. Plain and simple. In a relationship filled with love, a woman would want her guy to behave this way.
I was in a relationship like how you described.I loved every minute of his attention.
He criticized my cooking all the time. Sometimes it's just grade school all over again. The more they annoy you, the more they like you. Some men never grow up. Now if you were into him, you would find it adorable and pinch his cheeks like I did. I didn't find it annoying or fight with him about it.
Do him a huge favor. End it. If you are not into some one, it's not fair on the other person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): I agree with Honeypie. He sounds like a man with nothing to do.
If you've left him before; he has some abandonment-issues, and he never really got over it. Love-wise; your marriage sounds one-sided. Although you can tolerate him, you basically can't stand him. He must earn a good living.
I'll say this. One of these days, he will be gone. Everything he does that annoys you now, you will miss with all your heart. God forbid, you should become disabled or feeble with illness; he is the type who will standby you faithfully.
I don't think counseling will do much; if you simply don't like him, and only stick-around feeling obligated to do so. Maybe because he provides you with a financially-secure life and brings in a good income. I get a bad vibe from this post.
I think there's one hell of a backstory. We don't get to hear his side. I think it would be interesting.
Lock the bathroom door when you bathe. Make him a long honey-do list of chores that requires him to be outside, or in another part of the house. Go out and hang-out with your lady-friends; or take yourself to a spa, for a mani-pedi and relaxation.
Decide if coming back after leaving him twice was a good idea.
Why did you leave, and why did you comeback? Maybe you shouldn't have. You don't seem to like him. Love certainly has nothing to do with it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2018):
 Put him to work.
If he comes in the kitchen and tries to tell you what to do, step back and tell him - go ahead cook the meal. Or ask him to set the table, take out the trash, make a salad... something.
Idle hand, OP
My husband did the same when I cooked and the whole, stepping back and asking him to take over have mostly worked. He RARELY gives me cooking advice I don't need..
Considering that I have been cooking for myself and others for over 30 years... You would think he knows (we have been married little over 20 years) that I DO know what I am doing.
As for not not being able to take a bath, that is ridiculous and I would quite simply LOCK the door and take a soak. Or send him to the store for stuff and soak while he is gone.
HE is doing this because you allow it. And I think he is doing this in hopes that he can prevent you from leaving him a 3rd time.
Is he retired? Are you both? If so, maybe look into joining a group of other adults your age for whatever hobby? Like hiking or dancing or whatnot. GET out of the house. Together. And if he complains, go by yourself.
He is CONTROLLING the situation by getting defensive and starting arguments. And you... are thus allowing this insane behavior by complying.
If you watch a show and he throws in negative comments - IGNORE them or suggest he does something BESIDES watching and commenting negatively - if he then tries to start an argument tell him: "no, I'm not going to argue with you over this, it shouldn't be this UNPLEASANT for me to watch a TV show without you behaving like this." Again that is how he operates.
Do you have a garden, OP?
If not (and you have the room for it) consider planting flowers or make a vegetable garden. It can become a little sanctuary if he isn't into gardening. My husband made me a vegetable plot with the cutest fence because I wanted to grow vegetables. I have a nice garden umbrella and chairs out there and he and/or the kids and cats often join me and often I have it all to myself. PLUS I get to grow some very lovely vegetables and flowers.
Sometimes when my husband is at work I take a couple of our indoor cats and a book, pitcher of water or cup of coffee out there with me and just enjoy the nice weather. It's a nice way to start the morning.
One thing I think you DO have to accept is that THIS is who he is. While you can lock the door while taking a bath you can't CHANGE how he behaves.
Why did you leave him in the past?
Did you two resolve the issue that made you feel like leaving was your only choice?
Have you considered a marriage counselor? Maybe he NEEDS to hear it from someone besides you. And maybe some couples counseling can help the two of you move forward together or separate.
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