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female
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anonymous
writes: Older Woman Younger ManI'm 38 and my bofriend is 25. We have been dating for 1 1/2 years. We love each other dearly. The problem is his family... they dont accept our relationship and refuse to meet me.. his mother said that our relationship is "disgusting". We've broken up several times (for a few days) because of this issue. Is our relationship that sick? Am I blinded by love for this man to see that it is wrong to be with him? We live in Virginia and his family is in New York... he only see's them a few times a year.. but when he returns from NY we always break up because of the same old age issue. He is in the military and says when he serves his term (2 more years) he's moving back to NY and I couldnt go because his family will never accept us. I dont know what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2006): Frankly, in my opinion, you are both adults and I see nothing wrong with your relationship..but that is just my 'personal'opinion. You are finding out, not all people have an open mind about age gap relationships. You are both in the the difficult place of having went against his Mother's norms and beliefs. It is sad to have your life and future relationship with him, compromised in this way.
As far as his Mother is concerned, you and he broke the family rules/values. Whether it's right or wrong, she has expressed her thoughts on this issue so you can't expect to get something from her, from which she considers immoral, at this point. I think you know this, all too painfully now and I am sorry. His Mother holds high standards as a way of measuring behaviors, in order to live in accordance with her beliefs. Doesn't make it right, but this is what she believes.Your bf knows this about his Mother, but he chose to break these family boundaries, he does not have the right to stand outside of these boundries, asking for unconditional acceptance. We cannot require everyone to change their values simply to accept our values. Part of being an adult you make your choices and you live with the consequences. So this is a case, where you and his Mother, may have to make huge efforts to meet half-way on this issue, if you are willing to put in the hard work and efforts.
I suggest you begin by reaching out, write a nice note or tell his mother how sad you were that yours and his choice to have a relationship, have hurt her. It allows you to continue to be the woman you choose to be, but also acknowledges that you respect her, as a person. She may have what we feel is old-fashioned opinions on age-gap relationships, but her views, need to be regarded. Stepping back and letting this discreetly ride out, would be a way to start opening the door, to allowing her to get to know you slowly-for who you truely are. This will be a long process and there could many heartaches ahead, but maybe with time, she will come to understand how happy her son is with you. Go slow and always be positive and respectful when speaking to your bf about his Mother. He will take note of that about you, and honor you all the more, as a result. You have your work cut out for you. If over time, his Mother just doesn't respond. It will be time for you to detach and realize you will never be a favorite person, in her life. You know that. You don’t need to further torment yourself by reacting to anyone's poor treatment of you. Hopefully over time, she will be able to accept and respond to you in a positive way. Time will tell. Carry on with life and love your bf-try to stay happy and not allow this to over rule your life. Let it go. Take care, dear
A
female
reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (12 January 2006):
 Okay, first, *dont* split up from him because of this! If you're happy, then stay together! Thats ALL that matters! If you stand strong and dont give up, his mother will come to accept it over time... I am a 16 yr old, and I am dating a 47 year old, and my parents are accepting it! they threatened to report him at the beginning, but they are a lot better about it now! :) My mum even asks me about when Im gona get a house with him. Dont worry about the age gap, yours isnt even much! Its only a 13 year difference! :) Good luck in the future, I'm sure you're a great couple! I wish you both the best! xoxox
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (12 January 2006):
 First of all his family should not make or break your relationship, if you two are happy you should be able to be together, however it sounds like he is letting them get between you. Second, if he actually said that when he returns to NY you won't be able to come because of his family, then this relationship might be a waste of time for you. In the end he needs to make a decision, does he want to force his family to accept the relationship by bein an adult and making his own decisions or does he want to lose you forever? At the same time you need to decide if you are willing to be with someone that will not stand up for you and his relationship with you. Good luck.
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