A
female
age
51-59,
*ioletSparkle
writes:I really need some help: I am 38 years old, and I am still so immature and hurt, and I don't know how I can appeal a decent man. After a lifetime of running after bad guys, in the last years I completely reformed and spent a long time into my own issues, and two years away from dating (dating? I never had dating before, just bad guys who would snap their fingers and I'd come running). Two years ago I embarked in this journey, this may sound very odd: I decided to read all the books out there about dating and relationships, and social phobia, that is my root problem.I have some past experience in therapy so I felt safe of being capable of doing this by myself without going crazy. I am doing all the exercises I found in a number of very wise books, and yet.. Now I am dating a number of guys to practice how to start meaningful relationships with men (without romantic/sex involvement, of course), but I am beginning to like one in particular, and bham! just like that all my insecurities are popping out like popcorn in the oven. What else can I do to be less immature? and especially: should I tell him about my self-punishing past? I know very well that he should never ever know about all those books (we are talking the Rules, why men love bitches, why men merry some women and not others, he's just not that into you etc) and if we become serious I ll destroy them, but should he know about my path of self improvement or not? thank you
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female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (6 March 2011):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I suspected it wasn't the case of telling anybody..
I know that "how to know when you are dating a loser" is not the highest kind of help, but I was in therapy already and clearly the mistake was in the behavior, rather than in the feelings, and the therapist wasn't really helping with that.
It is SO difficult not to act like a doormat :) thank you for your answer
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I don't think so. If you are a self help books reader, you'll know about the Key, or one of the many other books about the law of Attraction, you'll know that when you are serious about attracting something in your life and manifesting some new reality, the first thing to do is to keep quiet about it. Blabbering around about the changes you want to make sort of dispels the energy :), and delays your path, because when you talk about something you sort of feel you are doing something about your problem, and you are not. Better to cut the talk and double the action. Also, don't lay it on thick about your emotional / relational issues at the beginning of a new acquaintance. It scares them off, it leads to misinterpretations and wrong assumptions... and it's no use. There is no point in saying : I used to be a doormat with all my men, but now etc.etc. Just , don't ACT as a doormat.Actions speak louder than words !Lastly, I commend you for having embarked on a path of self knowledge , but... don't take your textbooks so seriously.They are all delightful entertainment , and they may provide many useful , practical tips. They may also boost your mood when you are down, - but if you are serious about making changes, don't take them as infallible therapeutic tools, because they are not. They are pleasant, often intelligent, perceptive chick-lit, but not a substitute for counseling or therapy.
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