A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having serious issues with my mother. I am 33 yrs old and can honestly say I hate my own mother. It all started when I started college at 20 yrs old. We use to clash a lot and she wld just take things to another level. She wld call me bi#ches, whores, idoits, no good...u name it. She even wld tell me I wld never find a husband cause I was stupid. I remember her telling me even though I was in college, I will always be nothing. My mother wld try to fight me if I said anything wrong. I finally moved out her home, got married and have two kids. My husband is great to me and very wealthy. To this day, my mother talks really bad abt me. She wishes bad things on my family and always tend to be very confortational with me. She brings up things from my past and tells me how God is going to punish me. If anything goes wrong in my life, she brings God into it saying God is being justified. I finally stood up to her and told her how I felt and it wasnt nice. Now ppl in my family are saying how wrong I was and how God is going to punish me. My mother called and said God just cursed me and I will be punished. My mother goes to churcb every sunday but you will never know. She uses the bible as a weapon to hurt others and has been for yrs. I never wish to speak to her again. I wld rather go on with my life. Am I wrong.
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male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (11 February 2012):
My bet is mom never went to college, or at least never went away to college...I also bet she resents your success IN SPITE OF not following the rules and expectations she lives by (i.e. religion, limitations on relationships, etc.)...Which is probably why she's acting the way she is.See, people tend to think their way--the way they live and were brought up--is the One True Way to live. They have invested in this way in the form of time, effort, blood, sacrifice, etc. and they feel vindicated when people try something else and fail...Except, you didn't fail and that frustrates the ever-living hell out of your mom. So, instead, she's doing the passive-aggressive thing, playing on the value she sees in her One True Way, and trying to continue to persuade you or hope for spiteful vindication of her beliefs.So, it is entirely understandable and possibly a good idea to drop most communications with your mom. It's probably one of the healthier things you can do...Good luck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 No you're not wrong. Stay away from her if you must, you are responsible for your own well being. When your mother is an unhealthy part of your life you are better off to cut her out. I would also make sure your children have limited contact with her, because I worry your mother would talk to your children the same way she's talked to you, telling them that they are cursed because you are their mother. Or maybe telling them that they are no good and are ugly and so on. Do your children a favour and keep her away from them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Don't hate your Mum, sympathise with her, she must be deeply unhappy with her lot - maybe sees you do all the things she would have liked to do, live how she would like to.
You don't have to have her in your life, you have a loving husband and no doubt friends too. Just keep away from them and the unhappiness they bring.In time you may build bridges, but let her make the first move.
I was never close to my mum for many reasons, she didn't talk to me for years because I wouldn't leave my then, husband,she had given me an ultimatum.It saddened me more as I have a daughter and know how close you can be.
I have fantastic children, and my close friends have always meant the world to me.Focus on those who care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Maybe one day your mother will change and apologize for all of the horrible things she has said and done to you- no mother should do that to her child. Write her a letter and put all of your feelings into it. suggest counseling so that she can realize what she has done to her own family.
Until she changes, yes it would be best not to have her in your life as she has gone too far imo. If she were around your children she would probably try to poison them too. It is not easy to abandon a family and I know this must be really painful on some level, but sometimes it is necessary to be healthy and happy. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 I have read your post very carefully, and agree that your Mother and you see things from very different perspectives. But I would ask you to remember that she is your Mother, and we all have only one of those, ever.
I do not speak to my own Mother, for reasons that still give me nightmares, and I'm in my 40's, and it pains me because like yours, she does not seem to think she has done or is doing anything wrong.
In your case I would try to be a bigger person, and forgive her. Have you any idea why she treats you like she does? What motivates her to be so nasty? And more to the point, is there anything you can do to help her react to you in a better way?
I am not for a moment saying anything is your fault here, but if the two of you can reach some middle ground, it would be a start.
As a parent yourself, you may understand that your Mother still sees you as a child, even though you are 33, so the 'God will punish you' line is something that she may have used in your early years, and is still using today to try to control you.
What she is doing has got to you, so try to make her believe that nothing she does or says can hurt you. She will soon stop trying.
She is still your Mother despite everything.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 February 2012):
 Your not wrong, but it's a strong person who can walk away from family and go it alone. Especially when they have children. You hate your mother, but you don't say anything about your children. They will be losing a grandparent if you never see her again.Yes it's hard, many of us have difficult mothers. A technique I learned here at Dear Cupid, is learning to build yourself a mental brick wall, so you can't hear the hurtful words she says. You also need to realise that she has the problem, and that she's not God, she's not God's messenger, and she can't tell you what God is thinking. That is very arrogant.I believe in living well, and letting people know me through my actions. At the moment, she's the one saying wicked things. Don't do or say anything to prove her right. Without evidence of your wrong doing, people will see that she is treating you badly and think poorly of her.I never believe in cutting contact, especially not with children. Don't see her so often, don't call her so often, or don't call her at all, let her call you. When she rants and raves about nonsense, start thinking of last nights sex, the laughs your children give you or the shopping list.She can say what she wants, it proves nothing. But if you refuse to see her, it will just show she is right. Mothers and Daughters often fight.A story for you.. my aunt hated her daughter, for getting pregnant young and for being unstable, with men and with money and with lying. For years she had nothing good to say. But after her stroke, she couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything, and her daughter was there to help her, every day, doing everything a nurse does. Because she couldn't talk, my aunt had to listen. She listened and watched how her husband acted, how her other daughter acted, and her so-called friends, and was not pleased... my mum held her hand when she was dying.. my mum said she looked around the room, and her biggest smile, her longest gaze was on the daughter she thought she hated.It's never to late to build the bridges of love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): "She brings up things from my past and tells me how God is going to punish me. If anything goes wrong in my life, she brings God into it saying God is being justified. I finally stood up to her and told her how I felt and it wasnt nice. Now people in my family are saying how wrong I was and how God is going to punish me. My mother called and said God just cursed me and I will be punished."You're in luck. I just happened to read your post right before my regular weekly direct conversation with God and He assured me your relatives are a bunch of two-faced hypocrites who in no way speak for Him as genuine God-loving people use their religion to better themselves and their world, and He has much much more important things to do than spend all His time picking sides in petty family disputes among small-minded people who will be very surprised to find out where they will be spending Eternity. God told me flat out you are completely justified to go on with your life on your own and you can be completely certain when you leave them behind it will be with His blessing, and it won't be a second too soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Your mom has God on her side and uses Him as an imaginary friend to fight her personal battles...but you should also acknowledge you are asking us (strangers on the internet) to be on your side and fight on your side.
For what it's worth, I am on your side. It sounds as if you've been emotionally abused and maligned by your mother and you don't deserve it. But I don't think strangers agreeing that you're right or wrong will really help you.
This part of your post struck me: "I finally moved out her home, got married and have two kids. My husband is great to me and very wealthy."
She treats you badly and by my uneducated impression, she has a crappy life in comparison to yours...do you really need to prove to her (or us) that your life is worthwhile or impressive? She apparently knows how to be miserable...but you have the advantage to know that you don't have to be.
Your past with her obviously and understandably upsets you and these feelings of inferiority she's instilled in you have been going on longer than a decade. Ever thought about counseling or therapy? It might do you a lot of good and let you let go of this ongoing struggle you have with her. This sort of battles with your parent is the type you have to fight solo...enlisting God or strangers over the internet might be a short boost or a crutch, but it doesn't address the problem...
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): I agree with So_Very_Confused : you can't choose who you're blood-related to, but you can choose who your family is.
Family is NOT whoever happens to be blood related. that's no different from "less evolved" wild animals who give birth and then leave their young to fend for themselves. And even then many other kinds of wild animals nurture and treat their own offspring better than your mother treats you!!
Family is who you love and are committed to, and who love you and are committed back to you.
Your "mother" is just your blood-relative, but that's it.
She's got some serious issues if she thinks her foul mouth and hateful heart are somehow in line with the bible's teachings.
Cut her out of your life completely.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (11 February 2012):
 1. Your family are a bunch of idiots.
2. You should forget about her.
3. They don't even know what parts of the bible are important, like, "Do not judge lest ye be judged.". No one speaks for god minus, you got it, GOD.
If the pope speaks for god, then god is a very corrupt boy lover.
Point being, move on. You became more intelligent by the time you were seven.
Also, tell her to shut it.
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A
male
reader, eek +, writes (11 February 2012):
 from what you have said your not wrong. Its sad but you would be better without this woman in your life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2012):
 my friends and I choose our families... we can't choose who we are related to... but we choose who to make our family.
IF your mother is toxic and your entire family is toxic then choose to not have anything do to with them and as an adult you should have no guilt about protecting yourself and your family...
our jobs as parents are to give our kids roots and wings but it appears your roots are poison and you should build a new life without the toxic poison.
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