A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey! I've just turned 33 and I have a good life. I own my house, have great permanent job, I'm married to the love of my life and have no financial worries. So, it's smooth sailing. Thing is, I'm getting old and I must make up my mind whether to have a baby or not because sooner than later it's goona be too late. The thing is, i love my life as it is, i love cuddling with ny husband, watching movies, having time to myself and I don't really have any maternal instinct that may make wanna have a baby. I love my life as it is. But: what if I want a baby in a few years and then I'm too old to have one? This is a terrifying thought! I'd regret being a selfish 30 something for the rest of my life, yet you'll never ever hear anyone regretting having a child. Also, all the childless women I know regret being childless and are weird and somehow unhappy and often lonely. My friends get pregnant and are full of joy. Also, my granny is 83 and has a great full life thanks to her children and grandchildren, otherwise she'd be alone. Talked to my hubby about it and he has my same thoughts.Bottom line is: what do I do? How do I know i want a child? And above all, will I reget not having one?
View related questions:
want a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Have you ever considered that choosing not to have kids is far LESS selfish than having kids only to avoid regret? Seriously. How is choosing not to have kids, selfish? It means now you have more time and resources to help others in need in your community. It means you and your household consume less resources - less electricity, gasoline, etc. It means you have more time and energy to focus on other people's needs. On the other hand, why would you have kids? Why do most people choose to have kids? Because of selfish reasons - fear of being alone in old age, wanting to pass on their DNA for ego reasons, fear of being different from all their friends and family who have kids. These are all primarily self centered reasons. And it is why most people who choose to have kids, have them. Especially people who don't like or have enthusiasm for all kids, just their own. So if you are concerned about being selfish, the more selfish option is to have kids just because you don't want to feel a future pang of regret. That reason is all about you and your anxieties.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Lots of people regret having children. Ever hear of broken families where kids are abandoned? Given up for foster care or adoption? Single parent homes??Do you seriously think no one who has children gets depressed or unhappy with their life or commits suicide? If you are only afraid of regret, then go ahead and do what you think you are least likely to regret. But every path taken results in other paths not taken and opportunities lost. Having children does mean that your life may not be as fulfilled in other important areas as it would otherwise be. If you are the type who is very into "family" culture then you wont mind. If you aren't, then having kids just in case you regret not having them, will make you unhappy in other ways. But in our culture it is taboo to admit you regret having kids so most people who do regret it are too ashamed to say so. They simply up and leave their kids, or they pop anti depressants to deal with their lives and the lost opportunities.By the way I know many women who have chosen not to have kids and who live full exciting and meaningful lives. I also have friends and family who didn't have kids until their late 30s and 40s, many went the adoption route and are now very happy because it was only when they got older then they felt a desire to have kids so the decision was born of clarity and not due to a fear of future regret. My opinion is that if you do not feel an overwhelming desire to have kids then don't have kids. Wait until you DO have such a clear desire. Then see what your options are then. Adoption is a good way to go. The world is already over populated with humans maxingout the earth's resources, you don't need to add even more humans just because of your fear of regret.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carpe-Diem  +, writes (6 November 2013):
You're still young at just 33. I wouldn't put all this immense pressure on yourself now to decide what you want to do. Just enjoy your life as it is, keep making the most of the time you have to yourself, your cosy nights in with husband, your great job, because it's rare (but refreshing to say the least) that people are really appreciative and happy with their lives. It's nice to read. :)In the meantime, if you're questioning and doubting whether you want a child, is there anyone you can babysit for/is there anyone you're close to who has young children that you could look after every once in a while? It may help to give you some sort of insight and help your maternal instinct to come out?Nor I or anyone else can tell you whether or not you will regret either having or not having a child. But at 33, you still have time to decide and babysitting and being immersed in an environment where you are around children a lot more might be of some help.Best of luck in whatever you decide!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): I know lots of people who regret having children.. They are expensive and take all of your time away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): There are more and more women getting married in their thirties and having children later. I understand your fear but i can assure you that having children later in life is going to be okay. You can talk to your family doctor and specialist.My mom was thirty eight when she had me and i turned out just fine. I got my MBA and Doctorate degree in computers and doing fine. You still have time do not get overly excited. Good-luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 November 2013):
 I had my kids young (24 and 26) and I don't regret it now... it was hard but then I was a very different person then...
older moms have less energy but I think more patience and better ability to give of themselves brain wise but physically it's harder to chase a toddler at 38 than at 28 although it can be done.
My current spouse never wanted kids and never had them. And I respect that. I respect anyone who in this Noah's ark world can say "I don't want children" and mean it and stick to it. It may be selfish or it may be that you really just know you would not be the best parent you can be. I know I was not. And I am sorry to my sons for being a lousy mom... am I sorry I had kids.. NO... not even my disabled child who at 29 drives me crazy makes me sorry for being a mom....
that being said... yes your fertility is going to wan starting soon... but you still have a few years left to ponder this...
and if you are not sure.. maybe you can offer to overnight babysit some of the younger children of close friends and see how it feels....
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 November 2013):
 33 is a good time to think about that. Your Doctor may tell you you have a few more years to decide. We had our children at a younger age, but that was in an earlier time. Like you at the time we stopped having children I felt that it was at least in part a selfish decision. I wanted to be done raising kids at a certain age. So I could do other things. Those nebulous other things have really not ever happened. In the end I have more time without younger children to manage my health problems. Not exactly the fun I had been all selfish over.
Well it really is your decision. My only advice is, strange as it seams, pain shared is divided, love shared is multiplied. Most people find their lives are more satisfying with a child. It could be said that we are programed for it.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2013):
 I never heard of people regretting they had their children, but I have heard people regret they did not have children. You are NEVER going to be ready for a child. And yes, it will eat up all your "me" time, at least the first years. But you can cuddle and watch movies when the kid is with babysitters. Or have multiple, and have the eldedt babysit the youngest. Or have just one, and let it have sleepovers at grandmas house and then cuddle. Just saying, you dont have to give up everything, you just have to adjust. Its better to have a baby when you are content and happy, than if you are unhappy, longing, and desperate...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2013):
 Will you regret not having had a baby ? Who knows.
I think that, as for any other major decision, you evaluate the pros and cons , and your feelings about the matter, but then at some point you just have to make a leap of faith, and trust you took the best decision, over, deal done.
Do you regret having married your husband ? Apparently not- but who tells you that , if you had not chosen him, you would not have met someone as good, just smarter, richer, more handsome, in a word " better " ?...
What about your job, maybe if you had not accepted your current position, in which you are happy- the day after or the year after you 'd been offered a job as good and important, only paid more.
The problem with this line of thinking is that it does not allow you to change the past, and drives you crazy with self doubts and regrets.
So, I'd say, think it over, decide, decide the best you can according to what you know and what you feel, and then, never look back.
I am a mother, and , as you say , I have never met anyone who really regretted having children, no matter what sacrifices, efforts and disappointments too ( babies won't stay forever lovely cuddly tender little creatures- they'll grow up into adults with whom you may, or may not, get along - there's no guarantee that the relationship will always be nice, warm and conflict free ).
Never one, - even in case of troubled relationships. So, that must mean something.
Then again, I am not a proponent of maternity at all costs. There are tons of ways of being happy and fulfilled living a childless life. Not all women desire to become mothers, not all women are cut out to become mothers. Motherhood may not be your thing, and there's nothing strange or shameful in that- we are all different.
I realize that my advice .. does not actually advises anything. It is a big decision, and one that you'll have to take all on your own .
I am just saying- if you decide yes, don't be so scared :), people actually do manage to have a life beyond parenthood . And if you decide no, that's perfectly fine too, and won't necessarily or automatically reduce your chances of a bright, fulfilling future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 November 2013):
 There is NOTHING wrong in not really wanting children. It's not being selfish, it's being smart.
Plenty of kids out there need help, help that you can give.
Having a child because UH! that is what people are supposed to do, is not the right choice for everyone.
Would you regret it? It can happen. But what would be worse, regretting not having a child or regretting HAVING one?
I would say the latter, because.. THE child is there,then there are 2 choices - raise it or let someone else adopt the child. Neither would make you happy, if you really didn't want one, but had one because it was expected of you.
I didn't want kids til my late 20's, when I met my husband. I then decided we can do one! But here I am with 3. No regrets. BUT I do miss the travelling, the freedom of doing what I want when I want, not having to plan around a school schedule (or 3) and all the trappings that comes with having a child. FOR me though, I am happy with my kids, I'm happy with the decision. I didn't HAVE any doubts once I made my choice.
The fact that your partner is on the same page as you might make the decision easier for the both of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): Ifnyou are having these thoughts, then a probability, yes, you will regret not to have a child. To say that you don't have motherly instincts is silly, because you will have them when you see your baby. It's ok not wanting to have a child,mthere are plenty of women who don't. I had only one as we could never afford another one, and then when we got comfortable with money it was too late. And I can tell you from my experience that's the best thing that ever happened to me. It was hard, we were poor, and my daughter was not an easy child to raise. But I never in my life loved anyone as much as I love her, and that's the fact. I love my husband, and can't imagine my life without him, but love for a child is very different. With that said, you are in the age that you need to make that decision very fast. Of course women get pregnant at 40 too, but after 35 many have difficulties conceiving. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (4 November 2013):
 this is just my personal experience...not meant to sway either way...i grew up in an abusive environment and never ever wanted kids! i even got the birth control implants. i was in an abusive marriage for years yet stupidly i agreed to have a child as a last ditch effort to save the marriage...big mistake!
anyways i was positive id be a terrible mother but i swear, the second that baby was placed in my arms everything changed!!! now 16 years later imma great single mom w/a great kid.
but then on the other hand, my older sister has never had kids but shes a great aunt...if you chose not to have kids of your own you can always adopt, be a foster parent or whatever...theres always options!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): Tho I don't really understand people who have children at a late age there is nothing wrong with it ( tho at 46-50 I think is silly). I'm 23 and and 7 months pregnant with my second and I am very maternal but I do wish I have 'lived' more. So make sure you uave done most of what you want to do in life and in a few years time, say 35 or 36 ask you self again if you want to be a mother and if the answer is still no then leave it for another couple years.
33 is not old and nor is 43.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): No one can help with that decision. It is something you need to talk through with your husband. It's your biggest decision in life, more than marriage or purchasing a home. Having a child is a life long commitment.
...............................
|
