A
female
age
36-40,
*earsnfears
writes: My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now. I am also 30 weeks pregnant. I have only gained 18 pounds so I feel a little silly moping, but I could really use some words of encouragement. My fears began when our love making sessions began to get further and farther between, (4 days), and normally we lay together 4 or 5 times a week. I found out he was pleasing himself with the use of online sites. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but he was browsing pictures of these beautiful, skinny, (dressed even!), girls. Add that to the fact that we haven't been together in 4 days and when we are together he has been having performance issues, and you get me; a total wreck having nightmares, feeling like a cow, (my breast have begun leaking), wanting to break something, (and not doing it, of course! LOL!), then balling my eyes out because I am not sexy anymore. This stupid thought that my husband would rather look up pictures of girls rather than sleep with me puts me in tears whenever I think about it, (which is constantly). I guess my questions are, 'How do I get my husband back in bed with me?', 'Why doesn't he like me anymore?', and, 'How can I make myself sexier or more pleasing to the eye?' P.S. This is his first child. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 May 2013):
 In the cold glare of morning I see that I made a mistake. Teddy is not the preferred lingerie type for what you want to accomplish. Baby doll is.
FA
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 May 2013):
Tears 'n Fears,
Thanks for the follow up, as is so often the case the additional information you provided has helped us to give you more helpful advice.
The key was what you said about having the lights off. Your husband, like most men is turned on by visual stimulus. This is at least part of the reason that he is turning to pictures when he is frustrated with you. He wants to see you. Your best success was when you went topless with the lights on. You keep assuming that he is turned off by seeing your belly. You say that he has not told you that your belly is turning him off. He has said that your moodiness has turned him off. So if you must hide the belly with a teddy, I don't think that is going to remind him that you are trying to hide something. The more likely result is that he will see it as an invitation to play. An example of how to be playful.
Then you kill the mood by sending the wrong message.
let's take it from the top. First you don't mention sex all day. He receives this message, "I'm not interested in sex." Next you put on lingerie, he receives this message, "Now I'm interested in sex." Then you turn off the lights, he receives this message, "I don't feel sexy." Do you see why he is confused?
Try this instead. Make an effort all day to touch him in a loving or even sexual way, he receives this message at least 5 times, "I love you, I want you, even if you just annoyed me." Put on a teddy at bedtime, he receives this message, "Now I'm ready for what I have been telling you with my hands all day." Turn your back to him, bend over so your bum is exposed, he receives this message, "I may not like my tummy right now but I still have great stuff to share with you." Climb on top of him, facing him, and expose a breast or two, he receives this message, "I'm confident in my ability to turn you on, please play with me." Isn't that the messages you want to send him?
There are lots of other ways to be playful in the bedroom. I love games. But this seemed like the best way to take what you already do and make it more playful.
This is long but I'm up waiting anyway so on to the next question. Aggression, Dominance, Power play, Fantasy. Women in our day worry too much about power. Your biggest worry about this whole area is "where is this going next?" The answer to that question is whereever you want it to go. Don't worry you are firmly in charge. Look at your language. You allow the lights to be on, you let him be a bit aggressive, You empower him to dominate you. The biggest secret in the world is that the submissive partner is always in control. If he is having erection performance issues with you, the best thing you can do is help him feel powerful. And yes, it can be a fun way to be playful in the bedroom.
Last question, Anal. If you follow the safety rules, take your time, relax, use plenty of lube, then yes it is safe. The most important rule is no changing entrances without a complete soap and water cleaning of the inserted part (penis). But, do talk to your Dr.
FA
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A
female
reader, tearsnfears +, writes (30 April 2013):
tearsnfears is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I wanted to write an update and some thank yous, so here we go. I asked him what his problem might be and I guess the reason he has is that I seem moody and an annoying nag throughout the day so he feels he is walking on eggshells throughout the day and is having issues putting the day's events and craziness behind him. The women online are not annoying because he never has to deal with them outside of checking them out, (lucky girls). Does that seem weird? I feel confused with this answer. How do I stop acting like me all day? Well... I know I haven't been me lately, but any advice on how I can try to keep my mood swings in check? Or is that an answer men have been searching for since the dawn of time? LOL! He has just turned 32, I am 25. Fatherly Advice, I do ask him to be open and honest with me, but I think he is afraid of saying he thinks it is a total turn off to have sex with a woman who looks like a character from Aliens, as he can see and feel the baby moving since I am so far along now. Would wearing a teddy help hide those movements or just be a reminder of what I am trying to hide? I have explained my feelings on the porn issue, as you have suggested. I do believe he still watches it, but he is now taking extra time to make me feel pretty during our night sessions by running his fingers over me. This helped a lot because he became aroused and I know it was me who did that and not some bimbo online. :)I am not really sure how to be playful in bed, to be honest. I am actually quite shy, bashful, and nervous when we start, even after 3 years of being together. How can I be playful? I try to dress up for him, but I end up turning off the lights. LOL! 29 Week Preggo, and to those who have advised head, He doesn't seem all that interested in the titty love considering I am lactating, (*giggles), but he seems to have come around to the head idea. I have not yet played porn while doing it, but, for the first time in like, EVER!, I allowed the light to be on while doing it, and I was topless. He seemed to be a little aggressive at first, (a way of letting off steam he feels towards me or a fantasy I never knew he had?), but he did not have any issues finishing. Should I let him be a bit aggressive with me, (jamming himself deep, no harm to baby), or will that lead to something else? Is that a stupid question? I just wonder if letting him be a little aggressive allows him to "put me in my place" after being a jerk all day long. Kind of like it is empowering him to dominate me. I just worry because he never used to be rough with me. Could some of his issues be stemming from his desire to take his fantasies to the next level and having that stopped before it began due to the pregnancy? I know he wanted to experiment with anal a little while back. Is that safe? I know I should ask my doctor, but I have issues talking with people face to face about sex. She is also a bit older, so that makes it a little awkward. LOL!
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A
male
reader, justsomeoldman +, writes (28 April 2013):
First, your man seems like a real jerk; I don't know what others are thinking but as I read your notes, that's my opinion.
But, dealing with your question: Blow him. No man can resist that. Make fellatio a regular part of your relationship. You watch how fast he forgets everyone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): you wrote ps this is his first child. is he older than you? if so maybe he is just having problems in the penial area. in other words maybe he just cant get it up. some men get turned off by pregnant women, but at least he is looking at porn and not out there with a real woman. things will get better after the baby is born. its not you, the hormones are just raging right now. talk to him about how you feel. good luck
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (26 April 2013):
Poor you. Some guys are just freaked by the whole pregnancy thing, even though they caused it! Explain to your husband that he csnt hurt the baby, and in fact he might enjoy the extra tightness.
Explain to him in which ever way feels best that you are still horny and need his help. Get him to join in with getting your milk flowing, it will really help if you have some real sucking practice! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 April 2013):
 I do think it is quite common for men to have 'issues' with having sex with their pregnant spouses. Many men are afraid of hurting the baby (yes that is silly but in their minds the baby will be coming out of that area so to be sticking something in there is not a good idea in their heads!).
And of course while you have done amazingly well not to gain much weight, there will still be a bump visible and your body will be changing. It may just be a simple case that whilst you are pregnant, especially in these latter stages, he just doesnt find you that sexy anymore. I know that is hard to accept, and it would be lovely if he found you even more sexy now you are pregnant, but unfortunately not every man is going to find his pregnant partner sexy, especially in the latter stages.
You cant force him to find you sexy, and I'm sure it will be back to normal almost immediately after you have given birth.
Just accept that for the last month or so of your pregnancy sex is going to slow down, that this is ok and nothing to be overly worried about. He doesnt want to sleep with other women instead of you, he just wants to sleep with the non-pregnant version of you - and that can happen in a couple of months time. He's not going to sleep with these women he looks at online, its just porn - something to help get him off.
The erectile problems are probably coming from his fear of hurting the baby and lack of attraction due to the baby - these will clear up as well once the baby is born.
Stop blaming yourself, it is the baby he is not liking, not you being 'unsexy'. things will go back to normal soon, just accept the slower sex life as a temporary measure and try not to worry. Hes not about to leave you, he's not cheating on you - nothing bad is going to happen just because you have sex a couple times less in a month than you normally would.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): I'm 29 weeks pregnant and experiencing the same issue with my husband. I've come to reside that many men just don't see pregnancy as sexy. I think it's cause they're wrestling with the notion of you becoming a mother. Of course, my husband won't admit any of that. He gives me excuses that he's busy or tired, yet I know he looks a porn daily. For the last many months, I've been upset about this, often crying alone about it. Now, I'm just realizing that pregnancy is almost over, and eventually things will normalize again. All my girlfriends with kids experienced the same type of situation, and have been reassuring me that once you're healed, they're game and more again! In the meantime, I've been trying to encourage more interaction, even if it doesn't mean sex as much. I'll have him look at porn with me, then give him a blow job and/or titty f**k. At least that way, he's staying connected to me, and is able to find something naughty and sexy about me. We still occasionally have sex, but it's not the same. Since it's infrequent and often quick, I usually don't climax, so I find time by myself here and there to take care of myself. I know, it's kinda lame things are this way, but I have hope things will improve after delivery and healing. So from one preggo to another, don't stress too much about it. Try to find ways to connect on some level. Keep communication open and honest. I wish it wasn't this way either, but know it's not forever - we're on the home stretch, after all!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 April 2013):
Tears and fears,
I have a little more advice from someone who has been there.
Every guy is going to handle pregnancy differently. Some are going to be turned off by the changes, some are going to be turned on. Some are going to wonder if it is possible, some are going to be afraid that they may hurt the baby. Without communication, open and frank, you will not know what is going on in his head. Until you understand why, you can't know how to fix it.
Next I would push the porn issue. It is hurting you, that makes it important. Even if he thinks that it is a temporary patch to hold him over for the next 3 months. Sex strengthens a marriage because it is a shared intimacy, when it is not shared it weakens the marriage.
3rd your hormones are not behaving the way you are used to. This can make you perceive his actions more severely than you normally would. It is common for betrayal fears to be heightened.
To advice:
Any thing you did before the pregnancy you can still do. But, don't do things that hurt.
Pregnancy, and the childcare that follows are shared experiences that strengthen the marriage. If you shut him out of those experiences, you will weaken the marriage. Even and especially lactation.
His body is used to an ejaculation 4 or 5 times a week. He will be more comfortable if he gets them. You will be more happy if you are involved. (I know you already understand that) For the weeks following childbirth you will have to use alternative methods.
Being sexy comes from feeling sexy. Large women can be and are sexy when they feel sexy and act sexy. the same applies to pregnant women.
Playfulness is sexy.
Communicate, invite, express your desires (some women have a lot of trouble with that.
Take control, demand your turn.
Take advantage of your shape to try new positions.
the performance issues probably have more to do with fear that with a turn off. Find out.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): Its time your husband grew up and take responsibility for his actions. Womens bodies change if they get pregnant. He knows that.I have spoken about this very same issue with my girlfriend of three years and if she got pregnant I would not have issues with weight gain, enlarged breasts and a bigger rear end. I signed up for the whole package with my sweetheart.I must admit I don't know how we could have sex her in condition but I will always be beside her what ever she looks like because I love her and I was part of the equation that got her pregnant if we wanted to have children.I am big breast man so I would have no issues with leakage. I actually think that is kind of neat in a nice way if you know what I mean. A friendly reminder saying or reminding him why you may have got pregnant in the first place might bring him back to reality. Maybe some oral sex might cool his jets on the on line porn and nude women pics. But I wouldn't push that issue.
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