A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is very weird for me to talk about because I know this is not commonly accepted (especially since I would not normally accept this). I am 28, just moved to the states, and I have become involved with an 18 year old. I have never dated someone more than 2 years younger than myself (my most recent ex was 2 years older than I am). I met her at a museum and she is one of the most kind, funny and intelligent people I've ever met; she definitely doesn't have the personality and maturity of the average person her age. We've gone out a couple of times and I'm taking her out to dinner in a few days.I am so worried about what others may think of us, both together and individually, especially her parents. I expect them to think that I am some weird man-child pervert who can't get someone his own age, but this is not the case. Like I said, I never saw myself being in this position. I genuinely like this girl and we have a lot in common so far, both morals and interests. Obviously, being 18 she still has school to finish, and I would never rush her, try to run her life, or speak to/treat her in any condescending way that many would probably expect a man my age to do in a relationship with this big an age gap.All I know is that I'm a good guy, have a great job and couldn't see myself disrespecting a woman. I really want her family to see that. I would absolutely understand if she was some naive, immature girl and I was a perverted, selfish guy, but this girl really knows what she wants in life.Any advice, comments, HELP? would be fantastic.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 August 2011):
 while 10 years is not a HUGE gap.... it's a big gap at 18. Yes it can be worked out but it is really hard at 18 to know what you want. What i wanted at 21 was not what I wanted at 30 and that did not bode well for a marriage then...
FWIW I am 13 years older than my boyfriend and at 38 and 51 we rarely notice the gap..... our best couple friends are the same gap but she is the younger partner... so it happens A LOT... it's not that rare...
GO slow, do not rush her, do not pressure her or her family... and do not fret about what OTHERS think. LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU and HER... if you are happy and she is happy then that's all that matters.
A
female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (6 August 2011):
The only way the judgments of others can bother you is if you let them. Worrying about what the perspective of certain people and society can definitely put a strain on you're relationship. It may be a big age gap, but judging from your post, it may work out. You seem like a sensible man. A relationship like that of course isn't common, but that doesn't mean it hasn't ever existed. There are married couples with larger age gaps who are very much happy and in love. So long as she is realistic and you don't have any bad intentions, I say go for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): Despite her maturity, this girl still has some growing up to do. I find 18 - 25 is a really important period in a person's life in regards to 'finding' oneself. Experiences you have, people you meet, things you do. This is an exciting time for her, independence is on the horizon and possibly college, where she will meet people who share her passions, her loves, her dreams. You have had this time of your life, it sounds like you're ready to settle down whereas she is at the age where things start to really get interesting. The world is her oyster!Currently she is probably flattered that an older guy with a good job is interested in her, a lot of girls would be, but that is no basis for a relationship. I don't doubt that you'd treat her well, but I do think you'd hold her back, however unintentionally. That could become a problem for the both of you later on. Most people will say that age ain't nothing but a number and that's true to a point, but not when someone is about to start discovering the world.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (6 August 2011):
If she's of voting age and thus old enough to be trusted to choose the next President of the United States, she's old enough to decide who she's in love with. I was 49 and my future wife was 22 when we met almost seven years ago, and we're about to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. Your ten-year age gap is a drop in the bucket compared to ours. Enjoy yourselves. Love's a funny thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): I'm in a similar situation. I met my boyfriend when I was 18 and he was 29.
This CAN work. Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years now and we live together. It's incredible. As long as you communicate everything to each other in order to pave the way between the age gap and you stay carefully aware of preventing to take advantage of her inexperience with life then you can have a healthy relationship. Obviously it gets much much easier as she gets older as the more life experience she gets the less significant the age gap feels.
Prepare yourself for some judgement all round. Me and my boyfriend have gotten on quite well as most people won't express their opinions to your face, but periodically some clown will make a horrible comment about it. And yes, it does bother us. It always does because we both feel that our age gap perhaps isn't acceptable.
There are also going to be other problems that you will encounter. Since you're older than her you'll be earning a lot more money which means that if you want to upkeep the lifestyle you have already but still include your girl in it then unfortunately you'll need to pick up the tab all the time because she won't be able to afford to. Of course, that can make things a little awkward - and ignites the disapproval and assumptions of everyone around you!
You'll be ready for things like marriage and children much earlier than her, and you'll have to wait it out for her.
You'll probably feel a bit of guilt too as time goes on because you'll start to care more and more about her and question whether such an adult relationship is really normal or healthy for someone her age. You'll feel like you're forcing her to miss out on a crucial part of life (at least, that's what my boyfriend said about me).
There's also the question of past experiences. At 18 you're likely to be her first love, and she much higher up the chart for you. That isn't such a big deal but if you're her first she will no doube feel strange that you've been with a few before her (of course, I'm making assumptions here, this might not be the case).
As for families - we were very lucky! My family were a little wary but they accepted it. I suspect that his privately disapproved but they are always very pleasant to me.
Another problem is that everyone everywhere will always assume that your relationship is a joke and that it will never last.
I'm not trying to put you off or anything, just trying to enlighten you. I knew there would be problems before we started seeing each other due to the age gap, but I never anticipated that it would actually be so hard. However, there are lots and lots of benefits for me in dating an older man and I wouldn't trade it for anything! I love him and to be honest I'm simply not attracted to guys my own age. Go for this if you want but just bear in mind the obstacle, especially as she herself might not know what those obstacles may be completely.
Good luck.
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