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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hello. I've got something i could do with some advice on and i've not gone on the net about it before so please forgive me if i maybe dont explain this particularly well but i'll give it a shot.Basically i recently turned 26 and i've never had a girlfriend. I've never even asked a woman out in my life. I'm not a bad looking guy, i am consistently told im a good looking guy but that still doesnt give me a huge amount of confidence.I just find myself so afraid of women, i cant go near them, when i see someone i'd like to know better i just get so nervous and end up like a sweating nervous wreck i cant go near her. And its always been like that. For the last few years i repressed it and it never really bothered me, mainly cos i didnt think about it alot but its creeping back into my mind now and its becoming quite frustrating.I dont need any pop psychology about how i come across to people etc. I know that as a defence mechanism i portray myself as a very dark cold person who is detached from all sorts of feeling and i know its just a way of covering up my insecurities. I've found advice hard to come by, probably as i dont like talking about this issue. But when i've been quetioned on it i tend to try and change subject as quickly as possible. I've been getting quite angry as my best friend now lives with a woman and they are going to get married and im experiencing jealousy in a way of "if he can do it why cant i?" sort of thing. In fact most of my friends are in good jobs with long term relationships now and i'm not in any of that and im finding myself being left behind and losing touch in all areas.If anyone has any advice on this, i would appreciate it. Asking for it is probably overdue.Thanks.
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best friend, confidence, jealous, never had a girlfriend, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): I am just like this guy but I am 30.As for me if I share a little. I was a little more shy than you. As a kid and while growing up, although I have not been diagnosed with it but from what I had read I fit the mold. I developed social phobia. Which to this day, I still have, not as bad as my younger days but it still persists.What I try to tell myself is that women are just normal people too with their own insecurities. So I really should not have any fear of talking to a random person as she might be just as nervous about it as I.However as the OP mentioned. I think that I project some image of "don't talk to me". It probably is as the poster said, some kind of defense mechanism. This does not make it easier to talk to women because, I honestly feel like I have to force it because I have become so used to being this way. If you ask me it should come naturally.I think the key here is, do not compare yourself. I know it's hard, I do it too, but in reality we all have had different lives and are in different situations which has molded us. Take things at your own pace and try not to pressure yourself into making bad decisions.Also if you are like me, don't let your parents shame or quilt get to you. You are an adult now and it is your own life and you choose to do with it as you wish.This is how I am trying to go about it and honestly I do not know if is the best approach. At least I am trying :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): I'm nearly 22 and in the exact same situation. My attitude is 'it'll happen when I'm emotionally ready'. Until then, I'm tolerating being alone (most of the time anyway).
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (6 September 2009):
 From what you're saying out loud, you're talking about Gynephobia.
Gynephobia is an irrational fear of women and is often related to some traumatic event in you early life that can be related to emotional or sexual abuse, or a single incident in your life.
This sort of thing requires professional help, not as you put it "pop psychology".
Whatever it is, I can tell you the first place you need to look is inside yourself. You've done that and made it a point to say it out loud, so right there you've taken the first step.
The second thing you have to do is find a therapist to help you cope with this problem because its making you suffer.
The problem anyone on a relationship advice board is going to have dealing with something as serious is this is that no one wants to give you bad advice. But I can tell you that there are a few things you can do on your own to at least get to the point of actively seeking out professional help.
One thing is you should try meditation of some kind, or just relaxing exercises. Phobias are partly based on anxiety and if you reduce that anxiety, you reduce stress and it makes it easier to start working on the problem and its deeper roots.
If you can relax yourself enough, then you can work with someone who can help you feel better about yourself and slowly start becoming acclimated to being around women in non-threatening environments.
Believe it or not that's actually easy once you've gotten down to whatever it is that caused you to fear women in the first place.
Remember that things like this are not actually your fault. And removing any negative feelings and anxieties about it helps eliminate whatever it is deep down that is hurting you in your life.
That's about the best advice anyone can give you. So the thing to do here is keep working on this problem. Relax and reduce your stress and anxiety and find a professional who knows exactly how to help you resolve the problem.
Anything else would be unfair to you, and you're entitled to have a good, emotionally rich and happy life.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 September 2009):
 No pop psychology eh? What do you expect to find on an advice site anyway?
You already get very defensive in your own post.
It is near impossible to make an accurate guess as to what is going on here. It might be the result of shyness. Lack of social skills. Mental problems. Past abuse. The list is endless and it might even be a combination of factors.
What is it that you fear about women. You might not want pop psychology but unless you figure out what is the cause behind your feelings/action you can't fix it.
When did this start, how do you behave to men and to women who are not a potential sexual partner (family, far older women, children, authority figures).
You spent more time talking about asking advice then about the problem. That says a lot. Avoiding the issue. Classic bit of pop psychology. You might have avoided the initial issue (whatever it was) for so long that it has now taken this extreme form.
So, give it another shot. How do you feel about women, specific women and when did this start.
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A
female
reader, L*  +, writes (6 September 2009):
frustration won't get you anywhere. stop comparing yourself to your friends (it's inevitable I know, it's just human nature to compare ourselves to other people our age) but you need to live your own life without trying to measure up to what you're expected to do at your age. So your friends have jobs and are in long term relationships..so what? You are you, not your friends so don't worry about being different. Try to meet new people, go out more but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to meet someone. If you see a girl you like, try to get to know her and don't be scared to talk to her...she's just human you know. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): I would give internet dating ago. You can then chat through email or over the phone for as long as you need too - before you meet them in person. I think if you know the person before you go on your first date it will be less scary. Good luck.
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