A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22, I am hopeless with girls. I have never been with one and now I am too scared to even try. I am a male model (physique, underwear etc) so objectively I am pretty good looking at the very least, very hot at the most... which almost compounds my problem girls would expect me to be experienced (I know this from my girl-mates) so if I tell a girl the truth she would think there is something wrong with me and if I don't she will drop me because I did not live up to her pretty high expectations. And even if I do get a girl tomorrow I still lost it at 22... I feel like such a loser and worthless. This worthless and inadequate feeling would also rear its head if I am with a girl who has more exp than me... I'd feel like I am not worth it and inferiour to her.I just found out my best friend in her teens did loads of stuff including group sex etc... it just hit me so hard that at 18 she was doing all this stuff and I was spending my lunch times at the same age at college crying on my own. I don't really want to go through losing it any more, I don't want my memory being at 22, I want it being at a normal age like everyone else. Now I want to be experienced and live up to the expectations that people have of me...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): I lost it at 22. And the guy I lost it to had only done it once before and had lost it at 22 also.
Believe me, if you do it when you both love each other, none of that matters. And actually, if you want, you can study up on techniques and see what girls like. Believe me, doing my research before it happened helped me a whole bunch!
Its not rocket science. You'll find a nice girl who will appreciate you and this will make it all worth the wait. :)
A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (10 April 2013):
Have you tried speed dating? This would be a good way to practise.
If that's too scary then you could try dating websites. Your good looks will attract women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Chi Girl, I 'll keep all that in mind. But actually I am a student so unfortunately I probably would see the same girls a few times as there are very few bars around where I am.
And Glacier: my hobbies/life include: Gym, MMA, Computers, Motorbikes and the Army. Not many girls there.
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male
reader, Glacier +, writes (9 April 2013):
OP, do you have any hobbies? You might want to take a look for girls elsewhere.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 There is definitely no point in not trying.
Rejection is part of the game, and not a personal offense. A girl rejecting you, well maybe you weren't what she looked for. Just like not every girl is what you look for. You like the looks of maybe 3 girls, well hey! That's not few! I wouldn't say it's particularly picky, I myself don't like the looks of everyone when I go out on a club.
Here's how I see it though, looks is only one part of it. Often, I find that gorgeous people are rude, or dress horribly, or maybe are boring to talk to. So by now I wouldn't just go over to the person I find attractive, I would also pay attention to other things, such as the way he carries himself, his gestures, if he laughs a lot etc. A person who laughs a lot is usually a good one to approach. A person who sits and pouts at the bar is someone to avoid. No matter how these people look. So there are several boxes that need to be ticked before I'd make a move. Right now, without the experience to know what you're looking for, you're going on looks alone. And that's fine, it's a place to begin.
Do you live in a big city? What are the chances you will run into these women again? If they say no to you, will you constantly be reminded of it by them?
Just like you don't have to like everyone, everyone don't have to like you. And that's okay, and says nothing about what a great guy you are, or what a good boyfriend you would be. It's just a preference, and people are not being cruel to have a preference. So it is not to be taken personally.
Approaching a girl is not a declaration of love, nor does it give the woman the "upper hand" in anything. You like someone, you ask her out. If she says no you move on, she does not have any power over you. If she later changes her mind and say yes, you can tell her you are no longer interested, and have found someone else you would rather ask out.
Like it is with all things, practice makes master. You will most certainly get rejections, but you will also get girls who are interested in going on dates. You can't win if you don't place a bet.
And so what if the girls you like have tons of other guys around them. You're better than them, you're you, and you are unique. You bring something to the table that these other guys don't. So do not feel intimidated by some competition. Just go up to them, say hi, and ask if you can buy them a drink. Or if they'd like to dance.
If you meet a girl outside of a club, ask her if she'd like to have a cup of coffee with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionprofessional is different to personal. It also that I don't know how to approach a girl. Also when on a night out I usually only like the the look of maybe 3 girls in total and they are usually either with loads of other girls or have guys all around them.
I just feel there is no point trying.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 April 2013):
I know this is beginning to sounds like a therapy session, but if you don't mind me continuing this conversation: Why is your pride invested) Or, in what way is your pride invested?
What is the difference between 1. asking a girl out, and possibly be rejected, and 2. asking an agency if they want you and possibly be rejected?
You say you feel confident in your body. You know if one agency doesn't want you, another will. You know you look good, you know you're a good model.
So when we change the situations and you approach a girl, you still know you look good. You know if this girl doesn't want you, there will be another who will want you. But then you say your pride gets in the way. How?
Is it more personal to be rejected by a girl, and more professional to be rejected as a model by an agency? You are not emotionally invested in every girl you meet, same as you are not emotionally invested in every agency. The stakes are very high if you approach a girl you already have feelings for, but there are also other girls to approach who you do not have feelings for already.
When they reject you (lets imagine they do), do you take it as meaning you are not good enough? Is that where your pride gets into play? What does being rejected mean to you?
My thoughts so far is that your virginity isn't the problem here at all. Your problem is this pride and the situation concerning a possible rejection. There's something going on there that you must focus on. You being a virgin, and fears connected to this, only plays a small part in this, and I would say something else is the real cause for your situation.
Your virginity isn't keeping your from approaching women, it is rather this problem with approaching women that causes you to remain a virgin.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 April 2013):
Dear OP,
I read a motivational for singles and it's so true, so I will post it here.
"If you never get rejected, you're not trying hard enough".
Guys tell me I'm pretty, I have no problems picking up someone when at a party. Yet, it already happened to me that I took initiative to talk to guys and ask them out or tell them my feelings and I got rejected, several times. Of course it hurts. It's sometimes embarrassing as well. But I'd rather do that than stand in a corner and wait for a fairy to come along and magically connect me to the cute guy across the room for the rest of my life.
You can learn to accept it as part of the game. I'm sure there are girls you rejected or would have rejected as well. That's how it works. I'm sure any succesful guy that you know has been rejected by women before. The only difference between you and them probably is that they're trying more often. And that they don't read too much into one rejection. It does not say anything about your value. It might be wrong timing, wrong place, wrong woman.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (9 April 2013):
Sounds like you need to view dating the way you view agencies. Think about it. When you go to an agency, you also have your pride invested: pride in your looks. Yet when they say no, you don't take it personally. Because there are other agencies out there that do want to hire you. Well, same goes for girls.
You won't be everyone's cup of tea. That didn't deter you from getting into modeling, which is a selective and harsh industry. If you can survive that, you can survive getting a "no" from a girl. It's nothing personal when someone rejects you. It just means that they don't think you're compatible. Being compatible is about preferences and no preference is the best one. Everyone has their own tastes.
Try to apply to confidence you feel about your body to your personality. You have something to bring to the table. You have a life to share. There are plenty of girls out there who would say yes to you, but you have to put yourself out there to find them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i fear rejection. I have never been rejected per se, it has just been implied. I have only ever "admitted" feeling to a girl, I've never asked one out.As For modelling, I wasn't head hunted, but I'm pretty confident in my looks/physique and if an agency says no, it doesn't matter, I don't have anything invested, ill try another one. When talking to a girl I have my pride invested and asking her out puts that on the line.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2013):
Would it be fair to say you are afraid of rejection?
What episodes in your life may have caused you to fear rejection? Have you been rejected before?
When you aspired to become a model, were you not afraid to be rejected? Or were you head hunted? Do you find that in life, you accept what is given to you rather than actively seek out what you want? Are you passive in your own life?
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female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (8 April 2013):
Dear OP,
.. so you get shy as soon as you find someone really attractive. I can relate to that. If I really like someone, I act like an idiot, I start to giggle, play with my hair, trip over everything, spill my drink, even lose my earrings.. I don't know why nature made me like this.
But I'm practising to be more open and confident and I've got some success. I also learned to accept rejection. And for me, as a girl, that's hard.
The guys in my town have a good strategy to overcome shyness and do it like this (almost all of them, cause where I'm from, guys are generally shy)
- every guy has a wingman who will help out in order to introduce them to a girl.. he will stay close, but not talking to the two, unless the guy's making a complete fool of himself
- every guy's a little drunk already when they start talking to the girl, so they are a little more confident
Well, that's all they do and it works. I don't want to promote alcohol but I also did the most courageous things while slightly drunk (talking to cute guys, kissing other peoples' girlfriends :)) and seeing what I could do when drunk helped me to be more open while sober.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can chat fine if there is no intention there. And what I mean is I am too scared to do something like ask for her number or any other hint that I am interested.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2013):
No, you said you were terrified to talking to girls. Afraid to go up and speak to them. They will not know your skills in bed just by you talking to them. A woman will not know you are a virgin just by looking at you, she will not think you "tried your best" when you haven't even had sex with her.
My questions was, why are you afraid of talking to women? You said even if they came up and talked to you you would be too terrified to do anything. Do you think that if a woman comes talking to you she expects sex? Good grief, for all she knows you are a Christian who wants to wait until marriage with sex. Women do not want sexual favours out of every man they meet. So, the question remains, what are you afraid of?
Why are you afraid to talking to a woman, and for example go on a date? NO SEX. Just a date. Why is that scary?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbecause I don't want to be the inexperienced one, I already feel inferior enough from having not done it, I don't want to feel even more inferior while doing it. I don't want a girls thoughts to be: "He tried his best" like the answer from Euphoric29.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 April 2013):
Sounds like you are getting closer to the core of your problem here. Why does this terrify you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt doesn't matter if every girl in the room wants me, I'd never go up to them and even if they did come and hit on me, I'm too terrified to actually do anything, well the thought scares me.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 April 2013):
Maybe it helps to tell you then that my boyfriend is quite the male stereotype, yet he was a virgin at 25. He is a handy man who fixes everything. He likes to go hunting. Hes been working as an officer in the army and is now taking higher education in the army. Waiting with sex doesnt make him less of a man.
He had several girls chasing him btw. He didnt realize it. Like you, he thought there was something wrong with him, that no girl wanted him. Thats far from true, he had girls waiting in line for him. Just as Im quite shure you have girls waiting in line for you. You k
just got to open your eyes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe overall theme here is that I am strong for not sleeping with every girl who finds me attractive etc etc. But if I had the confidence... I would, I think. The fact I didn't do it in high school doesn't mean I didn't wish I was. Plus chigirl, I don't see girls as just vagina, my best friend is a girl and I seem to get on with girls better than guys (well we have closer friendships)... But you are right about my idea of men.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 April 2013):
If you were the type of person to have sex with a random girl in school then you would have done it and been that person. The fact that you haven't proves that you're NOT that type of person. Yet you think this somehow is not normal, and apparently your view of men and women is this:
Men aren't men until they've had sex, and women aren't anything put a place to rest your penis.
Alter your view on men and women, and then this entire problem of yours will vanish. There is no problem in being a virgin your age. There is however a serious problem with your viewpoint of what makes a man.
For your information sexual experience has NOTHING to do with skills in bed. I know this, because I've had three virgins, and I've had plenty of one night stands. Sex is BAD when all you're looking for is sex. So if you want to be good in bed, really, find a girlfriend whom you respect as more than a vagina.
My boyfriend first had sex at 25. With me. In no way is he inferior to me. He's normal. You're normal. Adjust your views on whats normal and not, and especially take a close look at your view on women. We're humans, living creatures. Not just for mans pleasure and to have sex with. Your goal needs to be to find happiness in a loving relationship, NOT to find someone to hump.
If all you want was a one night stand you'd be out on town having one. Again, if that was your type of person you would have done it. But you're not that type of person. So don't try so hard to put yourself in situations you don't want to be in out of peer pressure. You're an adult now, and YOU are the only one who can define your identity. No one else is calling you a loser or abnormal because you haven't had sex yet, or had a girlfriend yet. Only you are saying that.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 April 2013):
Honestly, the typical stereotype depicts hot male models as mansluts, so encountering one that's actually a virgin basically ups your status. It would be refreshing. If a girl freaks out on you because of that, good riddance: she's simply not worth it. I know that sounds like a cliche, but I'd much rather go out with a guy like you than someone who mistakes his dick for a brain. Heck, I'd feel special because I know you don't just date gals for the heck of it. .
As for getting the girl, try to gain some confidence and self worth. Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it's hard not to when you don't follow the beaten path, but you have no-one to answer to but yourself. Don't give a damn about what you think society tells you. You're your own person and you move at a different pace. I was a virgin too at 22 and when I was younger I felt self conscious about it, but then it occurred to me that having sex younger doesn't mean it's better or even a good choice. If you have sex for the first time at this age, you'll go in more mature and hopefully less prone to stupid mistakes teenagers tend to make.
You have to stop seeing your virginity as a bad thing. It's not failure. If any, it means you've got integrity. But you have to find a way to be at peace with yourself so you can let go of your inferiority complex. You're not inferior. You're good enough. Tell yourself that until you start believing it, just like you conned yourself into believing you're not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): I met my boyfriend when he was nearly 27 and he had never touched a girl. I dont think his wierd, it just makes him so much more special. I love it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): I think you should post your modelling pics so we can see for ourselves and judge what might be the issue and whether we can help. Feel free to send us the links!
And even more importantly, DON'T WORRY, you are NOT a loser and need to do a bit of work on your self-esteem. Hang in there!
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 April 2013):
It sounds like you have waaaay more expectations than anyone else does.
Instead of letting everyone else dictate what you should be, why don't you take control of things and confidently be who you are. A good guy just waiting for the right girl. Being embarrassed is a turn of and lowers your self esteem. Being confident does the opposite, no matter what it is you're confident about.
At your age, believe it or not, there are plenty of inexperienced people and if someone thinks you should be a playboy because of your looks then find someone else.
And I can tell you without a doubt there are girls out there who would be very into the fact that you're not sleeping with every girl that finds you attractive.
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female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (5 April 2013):
Dear OP,
I can understand it's distressful to be a virgin at 22, because I lost my virginity only at 21.
But you are painting this picture way too black!
First of all, do you really think a girl would mind to be the first one to lay hands on your gorgeous body? I guess it would rather be seen as an honor! Not all girls are that distrustful and think "what's wrong with you?". If a girl thinks you're hot, she will just think "yeah! I'm the first one!"
Introducing a man to sex sounds like a lot of fun, actually I've been someone's first and I really liked it. The sex wasn't great, but he really tried his best and I appreciate that. It was fun as well, showing him what to do. I loved this feeling of being a teacher.
Besides, you are not the only one who's worried about his skills in bed. We women worry about our performance (and physical appereance), no matter if we already have some experience or not.
You can't change the fact that you're 22 and didn't have sex yet, so stop beating yourself up about it. No use crying over spilled milk. You have a whole life to enjoy and you got great cards for that.
In your future there will be very few occasions when people ask "when was the first time you ever had sex?". It won't be part of job interviews, common dating topics, it will rarely ever happen that somebody wants to know that. So, don't worry about living up to other people's expectations and being embarassing and all.
If you're really desperate, I suggest you get on a casual dating site. You can be honest as well, about being inexperienced but wanting some fun. See who answers ;) Practise putting on a condom at home. And take condoms with you. Safety is important.
If you're more of the romantic type, don't worry waiting one or two years more until you found the right one. If a woman really likes you, she doesn't care about your experience. Trust me.
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male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (5 April 2013):
 Thank you for your post. I'm sure things must be hard for you to deal with what you're going through on a daily basis...but understand you're not a loser...nor are you worthless. I think what might help with your situation is learning how to build your confidence. It can help you feel better overall, and help your experience with the ladies. I've written a few articles that I feel may be beneficial for you...http://www.dearcupid.org/question/need-a-confidence-booster.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-approach-a-girlthe-right-way.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/what--women-want-most-from-a-guy.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/guys-how-to-develop-swagger-to-attract-more.html!
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reader, Glacier +, writes (5 April 2013):
Girls who makes it a problem that you're inexperienced aren't worth it really.
The girls you are referring to are they models too?
Maybe you should take a look at less demanding girls?
My general experience in life is that there are always people out there who are different than you expected. Just keep on trying. You will find your girl.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (5 April 2013):
 Lol calm down pal. I lost my virginity at 25. There I got you beat! :)Am I pathetic? No. Am I worthless? Definitely not. Any woman that judges you for your lack of experience is a ^^^h. If you’re ready just get it done. Sometimes you have to take drastic action in order to get over whatever it is. Get laid and do it my any means necessary.I felt weird too compared to others. At 24 I was offered for free a hotel suite with my choice of 9 women. Didn’t do it because I was a virgin. Now I’ve made love to women and I’m proud of it. I’m big strong and know how to make love to a woman. Develop the mentality that you are a hot sexy confident n funny guy and nothing can stop you!! Read books on women’s psychology since you’re so inexperienced you have an advantage you can start from scratch about building a personality women love! Do it man. Put the time and effort into self-development and find a girl who likes you only for your looks (believe me there’s plenty)and stop crying and plow some fields! Don’t save yourself. It isn’t worth it. Get it done with and the rest will come personality wise!
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