A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I'd really appreciate some advice about this. Please bear with me; I've never spoken about this to anybody, and I need to get this off my chest.As a 20 year old virgin (a male virgin no less) I find myself feeling blue a lot. I have this nagging feeling of being unwanted, of being unworthy. Seeing everyone around me with partners makes me feel like I'm missing out on the best times of my life, stuck on the outside watching myself amongst a huge swarming crowd.For my whole life I've been the quiet/shy type. At school I was this awkward geeky type with hardly any friends...naturally I was an easy target for bullies. There was never physical fighting, but the verbal attacks took their toll on my self esteem. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, judging me all the time. These feelings still haunt me to this day to an extent.So connecting with people is hard for me, but throughout high school I made a handful of very good friends. I did get some action with girls, though usually we were both drunk at some party (sloppy kisses that tasted like vodka, and clumsy groping is about the extent of it...ha ha.)Now, 2 years after I finished high school, I'm still a virgin.And I feel like sh*t about it.Which is really frustrating when I think about how much stronger I've gotten as a person since high school. Without the social pressures crushing my confidence I've had the chance to come to terms with things, yet this still bothers me. Its only sex right? Big deal, i tell myself. But its not always that easy.Its not even the lack of sex that makes me feel this way: its that I feel like I've been rejected completely. I just want to share myself with someone special, to feel like I'm worth something to somebody. There's this void in my life that taints everything else. Is there anyone else who feels this way? I'd like to hear how you cope with it, advice, insight, anything. I feel so useless in this.~cheers for reading
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male
reader, Empty Sea  +, writes (22 October 2011):
Don't worry about it buddy, I'm 19 almost 20 early next year, it proper bums me out too, but I dunno maybe its just who we are, I often count myself lucky that I'm that unique and special that I would be the person even in this modern sex obsessed culture to have kept something back, makes me feel different, but its not always the most warming of feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Hey guys,Just wanted to say thank you to all of you for the good advice.Like many others in this blog, i am in the exact same position. Turning 20 in a week and still a virgin. In high school, I was always the talkative one. I was never shy when it came to talking to girls, but when it came to getting sexual, i was definately shy. I always felt that no girl would ever like me. I am short, have a little timmy, and pretty girly. I have three older sisters, and that was just the atmosphere i grew up in.It was hard in high school to see everyone around me get girlfriends/boyfriends, and then talk about sex. I am now in my second year of University, and i still have to deal with this.Again, in high school, it seemed like the prime time to lose it was Grade 11/12. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of Grade 11, and passed away the summer before Grade 12. This got me off track. I felt like I went into a depression, and did not care about anything. Last night, i found out that my room mate and our good friend are hooking up and probably going to date soon. This has gotten me so down. We were the only two virgins in the house, and now that he is going ahead, i feel like i'm stuck...I always compare myself to him. I feel like he's the smarter, better personality, better body guy. I have such low confidence because of it, and now that I will probably be the only virgin in the house, it has really gotten me down more. Sometimes I wonder, "What the hell is wrong with me?" Many girls have told that I am one of the cutest guys they've met.. so why am i still a virgin? How am i still single? If i have all this potential, then why have i not found that special someone.Honestly, i have even questioned my sexuality because of it. Am i meant to be gay? Is that it? No luck with girls, so do i have to go explore and see if men are better for me? I feel like i don't have any attraction to men at all, but hey.. maybe right? Must be the answer.The part that gets me the most, is that before my mom passed away, she told me to find a nice girl and have lots of kids. This gets to me every time. I have that vision of her telling me that, and then always think, what the hell am i doing.. I tend to get really stressed out easily, and sometimes feel like i could never make any girl happy. What girl wants to deal with this crazy guy who studies all the time, and pays no attention to her. I want to be a dentist, therefore i need to get amazing grades. How can i do that if i have a girl with me? Where's the time?After reading all of your comments (thanks, btw), i feel like i need a hobby. My life consists of school, and that's it. I feel like if i got a great body, that would boost my confidence. Also, i want to take up guitar lessons. I've always wanted to learn, and i need to do something for myself. Something that i would enjoy doing. If you guys have any thoughts or comments about this, please let me know. Still going through this "Depression stage" right now, and i feel like i just need to calm down, enjoy myself, and wait until i do find that special girl. Yes, i'm still a virgin, but i think i would regret it so much more if i went and hooked up with a girl i'm not into. Sex is so much more than an orgasm... it's that feeling of being as close as possible to someone that you care for so much, and that's it. As far as my room mate, i feel like he's doing this just to get it over with. And if so, good for him. Maybe he needs that boost of confidence. Yes, it did get me down seeing them together, but.. My time will come. And i will have someone who i love, to be with, and not someone who i will just settle with, and that annoys me 24/7. Sorry for all my rambling.. i really needed this.. Thanks for everything guys, and girls!
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reader, dazzac +, writes (23 December 2010):
hey the way you feel about yourself is wrong you seem so out of limbo about loosing your cherry that its the only thing that you think about hey dont worrie about it if you do it will make a crazy mother f..ker stop tring so hard and next time you meet a chick be yourself women want a reel person they just wanta reel person we all do
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Well, I am 23, and was just shy of 22 when I finally lost my virginity, and I have to say, I felt pretty well the exact same way you do! You are no different from anyone else in your position, so don't feel that you are abnormal for feeling like you do, or that you are alone in this. The biggest problem with seeing everyone having sex is that they brag about it and make it out as if they are supposedly the best for doing it. And of course, you crave what you do not have, and that makes it harder. Firstly, try to focus on everything good about what you have, rather than what you don't. In life, people have far more of what they don't have than what they do, but what they do have is taken for granted. Cherish what you already have. Confidence gained from school is a brilliant accomplishment considering your being bullied. It takes huge strength and character to get there. Having a family who care about you too is a massive plus. I lost my dad recently, and its then that you realise you should hold on to what you have! Do things that give you joy and accomplishment. Don't see it as distracting yourself, but having fun. This is the most important thing to do! And just be yourself. Secondly, ignore people when they brag about things. Most of the time, people lie because they think it makes them feel better. Sometimes they think it makes them cooler. However, a person who is not a virgin is no different to a virgin. These people may be insecure themselves and try to raise their social status by bragging. In reality, they are probably showing off their insecurity, and may not even be enjoying their experiences. Many people who start early also are usually less emotionally mature and have bad experiences in sex and relationships, and so get heartache often. By being older you are more mature and are less likely to run into many of their pitfalls. In fcat you can learn from their own experiences and avoid them. When people talk about sex, its not usually what it seems. Shy people often atract the more committed partners! And then all the boisterous lot all getting one night stands suddenly become jealous, because real feelings are what they crave.Thirdly, it is important to remember that sex is not the be-all and end-all it is hyped up to be. I have never had a one night stand, but rather have a girlfriend of nearly 2 years, and I can easily say that sex is nowhere near as important to me as the relationship. Sure I was glad to not be a virgin, but that feeling lasted for probably a minute, maybe two tops. It doesn't suddenly alter who you are at all. It only really brings you closer to your girlfriend! In fact you may even feel as though it was not as good as you expected. Remember, sex has been massively overhyped by the media, such as newspapers and magazines, to draw in audience from people of a not quite so high sexual maturity. Therefore, you are being taken in by something you may too more mature for. And of course the media then encourages more sexuality in society and thuse the spiral continues. The more mature people actually ignore this. All the magazines do is reverberate most people's insecurities and blow them up!Fourthly, it is important to discover if what you are really craving is a girlfriend, or sex. Judging by your post, I would say it is the girlfriend yoy are craving. Remember, with people your age, getting a girlfriend who you would be happy with is going to be hard because these are not the values that all 20 year-olds want. That is probably why you are struggling. It is NOT a rejection of you, but merely an incompatability with lots of people your age that is causing the problem. So don' feel to down. I did and now I realise that I was in the best position because I didn't have to deal with immaturity from a partner. The best advice is to have fun, spend time around your real friends and also take a leap and get involved in actities you want to. There you will miss most of the immature people and meet people with your maturity, and also have the same tastes and interests. This makes compatability more likely, and with compatability comes a chance you will find someone special. I met my girlfriend on a maths teaching course. We had the same interests and wanting to be maths teachers, we had the same maturity level. Hence we were compatible, and we fell for each other because of this. And of course you will get to have fun at the same time.Plus of course, with relationships comes sex... For now focus on the relationship side, and don't get dragged down by the immaturity of others. Just one last piece of advice. Don't be scared to talk to women. When you are too shy to talk to them, they most likely feel rejected. No mature woman would ever reject being talked to. They will not bite and in no way will you be humiliated publically. If they do, they are immature. No mture woman would. In fact mature women are the best conversationalists ever, far better than guys because they are open to feelings! And for the dreaded asking out. Well, I have been rejecetd twice directly, and sure it hurts but it isn't a personal thing. The important thing to realise is that you are stopping yourself from wasting time focusing on one person when there are others out there who would welcome your advances. Its all about getting to the right one, and getting turned down is in itself a success because you are closer to the one you want! In fact, it is possible to get better at asking out, and you get more success the more experienced you are at it! FACT! Anyways, I appreciate that this is a long post, but I hope you have food for thought, and try some of my suggestions! They do work!
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reader, rumzt  +, writes (14 December 2010):
hey mate.
i'm 20 and not a bad looking guy and yet im rely shy and have only once had sexual intercoarse once with a prostitute due to my shyness and lack of self asteem as i was bullied in highschool quite a lot too.
it's not easy my friend i know and i just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one out there.
stay strong bro and send me a mail if you ever need to talk.
your friend rum
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): There is nothing wrong in still be a virgin. am also a boy of 20years old i'm still a virgin and there is nothing wrong with these some people may think that you are an oldball that u did not socialize but dont worry there is joy in waiting. Sex before marriage is like open a gift before it has be given to you. Also if you are dating with no intension of marriage you are acting like child who play with a tox and dircard it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Yo dude, its a catch 22 situation, if you go looking for sex; women will be creeped out, but if you don't try you won't get any either! Instead than, work on yourself being more attractive; so work out- get a great body, become creative, learn different social skills, focus on what you want in life. And then suddenely you'll find there are plenty of women that surround you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): Hey, I know you wrote this two years ago and most likely have a girlfriend by now. But I am also 20 and a virgin. I feel exactly the same way and have for a while now. All I can say is what you are feeling is normal, and I hope things have gotten better for you.
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reader, Alwayswondering  +, writes (31 July 2010):
Here's my view.
There is still romance in this fickle world. People like me, and a few posters here want it, or at least close to it as possible. I'm currently in university. I have had one relationship which lasted just under a year. We didn't have sex. Frankly, she was a you know what. I view sex as something special. Unfortunately I'm in the minority who view this. I assume sex is fun, or people would do it. But along with this "fun" I hope to think there is love in it. Yes it's for pleasure. But always you are willing to lose your virginity or something that is a part of you. You are willing to give something up that you have had for 20, 30, or in my case 19 years for this one person. Sadly, there is a chance once you lose it to this special person, it may not last. The divorce rate is 50%, which is very, very disgusting. I can tell you the same crap everybody here says, or tells me. Ready for this mind blow job worth of info? "You will meet someone". Haha. Oh how I've heard this, and so many people. Your cute,funny,intelligent, I don't know how your single. Evidently I am because people like who I develop feelings for reject me. I can have all the money, looks, personality in the world that you may think I have. At the end of the day your heart belongs to someone else, and I'm stuck at home making supper for one, sleeping in my queen sized bed without a queen in it, fixing my house for myself and myself only, hugging everything near me but the one I want to love for. I've been told and perhaps you have too, that "I view you as just a friend". Why? Are we too nice? Do we care too much? Does this caring only apply to a friend? Hence we get put into the friends zone? Like should this caring only apply to a friend? Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend who don't give a rats ass? I think not. But hey, I thought girls in university would be different than girls in high school. Having got done my first year, I strongly disagree. I've been told girls smarten up around age 20... Hmmm. I think both guys and girls are immature until they are 40. Unfortunately if you want to have kids, age 40 is pushing it.
I'm not really helping you. I think about being single everyday. It's at night. It's horrible. I too wish I was born in the 50's. My personality better fits there it seems. Unfortunately we are born in this crappy day and age where young adults think the world revolves around them. Hey, my parents are rich, they will pay for university while I fuck everything that moves, get wasted every second day. Who cares. This is what university students do I guess. It's people like us who want to make a difference have the task of cleaning up everybody's mess and we get no thank yous.
Again, not helping you, but venting my own opinion lol. I guess what it comes down to is probability. I personally think that I will meet someone, rather HAVE A HIGHER CHANCE of meeting someone after I'm done graduate school. Unfortunately that is 7 years away. Personally, if I lose my virginity to someone who I declare as my lover, and we break up. Sure, it sucks. I lost my virginity to someone who didn't stay with me until the end of my time. BUT, I can therefore say, whenever I had sex with her, or girls with him, I can say happily it was out of love. Even if the person did not love me back, I loved them, and I thought they loved me. Either way it's psychological. It doesn't matter if you find out later that the person didn't feel the same way, it's in the moment. And if you think that person loves you, and you love them, and you on the fateful night loose your virginity you can raise your head high and proud and say: "I loved that son of a bitch who treated me like this and that, but whenever we had sex, I wish I can find that feeling again". I'm not the one to believe in this destiny garbage, I question the Christan God that I was raised to believe in. Ergo, I control my life. It's a matter of chance that I will meet this special person. It's not something that i can study for, get the 90, get the award, get the success. It's chance. I don't go to bars, as they annoy me, ppl are superficial I find there at our age. My only hope is my job, school, or future job. May be I'm wrong. I try my best. When I get rejected it sucks. But I can happily say I tried, and I can not longer wonder what could've been if I didn't find out. Even if I think about this person every night, before I go to sleep. Perhaps this person is the cause of the lack of sleep we may get.
I'm happy that you have gotten through high school. I can related. I've been verbally and physically bullied. I don't seek sympathy. I sometimes wonder. So my cousin is 16, 17, and he/she has had sex. I have not. Hmmm... Well again, we have morals. Not to say ppl who have it when they are younger don't have morals. But you and I and some other posters here, male or female have principles. A poster said here, we can buy sex. That is true. If we do this, we break our moral code. For what? An orgasm? Yes, an orgasm. And this orgasm is not even special. We are forced to wait. Wait on the chance that we will notice some girl or guy for the girls, or get noticed. It's a gamble kind of. Chance. Whatever you call it. Not this faith garbage. I prefer to think about compatibility. Maybe our maturity level is high for our age? Perhaps we don't take part in the average teenager or young adult's antics because we want something more than cheap drinks or casual sex. Perhaps we seek a person who will give us what we are searching. May be not just sex, but an intelligently stimulating kind of way, or w/e you want in a person.
On a personal note, I have been rejected many times. I'm a 19 year old guy. i cry about it when it happens What? Call me a whimp? Go ahead lol.You just have to get through it. You have. You will. Keep on trying. If it ends in tears, let it end in tears. At least you did something a lot of ppl have not, my friend, and that is have tried. You have the confidence to tell a woman how you feel. You tell her that you like her, love her, think about her often, she gives you those damn butterflies in your stomach. You have confidence. Perhaps you may not want to say you are handsome because you are afraid it will go to your head. I'm the same way. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. But in the end, you tried your best, and did not conform to "pay for play" method. You will always have your morals.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Sorry if I wasn't any help. I kind ended up ranting on about miscellaneous stuff.
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reader, vociferous +, writes (8 June 2010):
Its a simple fact of life that most guys lose their virginity to a sex worker. Its also a fact of life that most girls will lose their virginity to a guy who has had sex with a sex worker. Its also something most guys probably won't admit, especially if they had sex for real soon afterwards, once all their sexual anxiety had flown out the window. As a 20 year old male virgin myself, I chose to remain in the minority, whatever it takes. Prostitution is the greatest instrument of patriarchy and the safety valve that keeps our sexually repressed society from collapsing in on itself. Know that you can have sex any time you like, but you still have your principles. You're not sexually shy, nor are you desperate. The 60% who have to pay to get over their anxiety are.
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reader, thurk651  +, writes (25 April 2010):
hey dude im 19 goin to b 20 im still a virgin but i was in the same boat ur in i couldnt find anyone nd it drove me crazy nd it wasnt only that the fact of being a virgin nd all my friends had been getting laid with there girlfriends nd them talkin about it nd u just wanting to kno wat ur missing but if u worry about having sex too much ur prolly never gunna find a girl nd it took me a while to relize that bc i was looking at wat i didnt have for a while nd i realize that all i need was right in front of me nd she has made me the happiest person any man can ask for but worry about finding sumone first and everything else will fall into place
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): Im 20 and still a virgin....HIGH FIVE!!!
You only have yourself to blame if your a virgin and dont want to be. Your not putting enough effort into it. Personally Im looking for a special girl, trouble is I dont meet enough girls to find her. I blame God for giving me high standards. She has to be beautiful AND smart AND not easy AND fun AND lady-like. So im going to be a virgin forever, oh well.
BTW to the girl below, good things dont come to those that wait, good things come to those that go get the good things. So can i get ur email?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I'm 20 and I am still a virgin. I have no problem with this fact. Actually, I'm very happy that I'm still a virgin. I've never had a boyfriend either. It's not because I'm ugly, I'm actually very pretty, but I know that sex isn't JUST sex. I'm waiting until marriage not because it's a stuffy religous practice but because I have seen first hand the anguish that can come from pre-marital sex. With the obvious risk of STD's and unwanted pregnancies aside, you risk your heart as well. Sex is the most you can give of yourself to your partner. You share all of you and it's a very close, very deep bond. So if you have sex and you don't end up marrying that person, one or both of you will suffer emotionally.Don't feel like you are unwanted because I am sure that is not the case. I'm sure there is a woman out there for you and when you do finally find her, I KNOW she'll be glad you waited. Besides, you're only 20. I know first hand that hearing someone say this isn't always comforting but when you think about it, really think about it, you've got plenty of time to find someone special. Good things come to those who wait =]
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Im in a similar situation. I am 20 years old. In high school i had many friends and was fairly popular. I played multiple sports and had girlfriends. None of which i had intercourse with. I don't know if maybe im not being as out going as i should be, or maybe im being to critical of people, but i really have found most of the girls i have gotten to know very immature and have no respect for themselves. I always think to myself " i will find someone" and i know that i will. But, i sympathize with you when you say, when? It does suck waiting around to finally meet someone you are compatible with. Especially when your friends have all seemed to find a partner, or in some cases multiple partners. However, i have faith that when I, or anyone else with this situation, find a partner that i truly have compassion and feelings for, then things like intercourse will come very naturally. I have many friends with girlfriends who have sex, but in my mind i know that these people are not right for eachother. Intercourse is the most of yourself you can give to your partner. I don't think many young people, like me, realize this until later in life when the deed has already been done. Im not saying i will wait until marriage for sex, but when i do have sex for the first time, it will be with someone i care for and respect, and i would expect the same in return.
Dr. Vendetta, i don't believe romance is dead in todays society. I think people may have to look harder for it, but it is definatley still there. Good luck to everyone posting, everyone does have a special someone out there for them, dont be affraid to go looking for it, but also dont be foolish about it.
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reader, MKSilentR3venge +, writes (25 December 2009):
Let ME just say that god fucked up. He said that it was "not good for man to continue on his own" and that he would provide "a helper" for him. Well I'm 20 years old and all I ever wanted was a girlfriend. My whole life, year after year went by and I watched every girl I liked, fall in love with my friends. It didn't matter what I had to say, they didn't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. I never had a girl as a friend my whole life and now I have 1 girl that is my friend. Everytime a girl finds out i'm a virgin they just tell me its ok and it will make for a better relationship later. Which makes me feel even more unworthy. Girls always promised me things but they never kept any of it. I have hugged a girl 3 times in my life and I am NOT ugly. I'm so sick of all the bullshit. I have to take anti depressants now after all the girls that broke my heart. Most of them hate me, they block me from facebook for no reason, Its fucking christmas and I don't have a single person to talk to. And all this bullshit about being a virgin helping, im so sick of it. I deserve something for fuck's sake. All my life I can't have the one thing i want and need. No shit its not all about sex, as I get older I just want a girl that will stay with me for a few days without hating me for no reason. I can't even find someone to talk to. Women are so heartless. Don't even be tellin me its gonna be ok. One day ill be dead at someones front door with a knife in my chest. Theres been quit enough bullshit. And im sure no ones even gonna see my answer because its at the bottom of the fucking page.
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reader, MKSilentR3venge +, writes (25 December 2009):
Let ME just say that god fucked up. He said that it was "not good for man to continue on his own" and that he would provide "a helper" for him. Well I'm 20 years old and all I ever wanted was a girlfriend. My whole life, year after year went by and I watched every girl I liked, fall in love with my friends. It didn't matter what I had to say, they didn't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. I never had a girl as a friend my whole life and now I have 1 girl that is my friend. Everytime a girl finds out i'm a virgin they just tell me its ok and it will make for a better relationship later. Which makes me feel even more unworthy. Girls always promised me things but they never kept any of it. I have hugged a girl 3 times in my life and I am NOT ugly. I'm so sick of all the bullshit. I have to take anti depressants now after all the girls that broke my heart. Most of them hate me, they block me from facebook for no reason, Its fucking christmas and I don't have a single person to talk to. And all this bullshit about being a virgin helping, im so sick of it. I deserve something for fuck's sake. All my life I can't have the one thing i want and need. No shit its not all about sex, as I get older I just want a girl that will stay with me for a few days without hating me for no reason. I can't even find someone to talk to. Women are so heartless. Don't even be tellin me its gonna be ok. One day ill be dead at someones front door with a knife in my chest. Theres been quit enough bullshit. And im sure no ones even gonna see my answer because its at the bottom of the fucking page.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): I don't know if your still a virgin or not but, I thought I would share my story with you:
In high school, I was that girl that got anything and everything she wanted. People always told me I was so lucky cause I was a hottie with a body and never was a brat. I dated a few guys here and there but, never found any of them to be what I really needed. Most of the time, them not being virgins really hurt our relationship.
Then I went to college. My first year was fun and I met a lot of people. It wasn't until this past August that I met my wonderful boyfriend now. He was exactly like everything you wrote. He thought he would never get a girl like me. I always call him "my geek" and I couldn't ask for more.
Still to this day, we are both virgins. It's something that is worth waiting for. We don't want to mess anything up and make something ever complicated. Of course, if he is the boy I marry, I'd be more than ready to give myself to him.
Overall, he's a great guy and I don't want to picture life without him. He always tells me how he loves how most of his friends wanted to get with me and he loves the fact all I wanted was him!lol (I always find that kind of funny.)
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is a girl out there for you. Maybe she just hasn't come alone yet. I'm sure that one day she will appreciate that you're a virgin. I know, it would make things difficult if my boyfriend wasn't one and I was.
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reader, wannabehappy  +, writes (4 May 2009):
Hi there,I am 20 year old female, virgin. I've never been in any relationship, because I am a shy person, especially among guys. Maybe my past experience of being bullied is the reason I become so afraid of getting hurt/rejected by people. However thank God I still have some people I can really connect with, my girl friends, where I can really share anything with, that make me believe that not all people in this world are mean.So if you want to be worth for somebody, then love them. This doesn't have to be to opposite sex. As long as you're a good friend for someone, you are worth something for them. If you haven't found the girl you really like, then just live your life until one day you are sure that she is the right one, and it should not be that difficult to show how much you like her. Maybe it's difficult because you are shy, or you're worried of being rejected, but a nice girl will appreciate your feeling. If not, I'm sure she will regret it one day. Everyone gets lonely and starts to regret what they did. Back to the topic, since I am a shy person, I wish that a guy will approach me first. Well, if the girl you like is shy too, you have to boost your boldness to talk to her. When she knows that you're a good person, she will more open up to you.And about sex? People take it as a way of having fun only. Well it is, but doing it with someone you really love will make it more than just having fun.So, make yourself happy and see yourself more positively. It's not about how others see you, but it's what you do that make you worth.
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reader, CHR0NIC +, writes (24 February 2009):
Hi to any and all, Sorry for intruding, but after reading this I thought i'd better say somthing, I had lost my V at quite a young age, however it was not ideal and even now I have some regret for losing it to early. I to have a very low self confidence even now im 29 but in those wasted years I have found out that the person you seek is often closest( similar ) to yourself than you may know.I found that im not alone with the lack of confidence but i also found that whether you are male or female who's to say that the other person you are looking for will ask you out! as they to may have a lack of confidence also, im absolutley rubbish at talking to girls I like ( im fine with girls im not keen on though ) but over time I've found that I do more damage to myself by not daring to ask the person I like out than they can do by saying No, Even now I have no confidence but people around me don't know how nervouse or shy I am as I just get on with it and worry about the answers next. NOBODY KNOWS YOU ARE NOT CONFIDENT, they can only see it so don't show it and just try what it is you are hiiding from it helped me feel less worried about what they were thinking and allowed me to focus on myself(I also started to wonder how many people I know were not as confident as they seemed, and after watching a few people I know, I decided alot of people around me are pretty good at hiding there own dout but when you are looking for it you can see it in most people, As other people have put, sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship my current partner and I had been together for about 8 to 9 months before she was ready and as she meant the world to me the months passed with not a problem, although I felt under a lot of pressure on the day she was ready, to the extent I was unable to rise to the occasionThe trick is finding someone who's going to match you well, and I relised it wouldn't happen without meeting some guys/girls. its hard finding someone how will wait for sex nowadays but its also the best way to find out how comminted to you they are and not just for sex!!!!I know hiding your reactions to a situation is only masking the problem, but you only have to look at nature and its ways it pairs animals up, use Peacocks for an example they spend most of their time just ambling about, but around breeding time suddenly they are showing off all there colours and markings they are making them selfs appeal to other abimals buy showing a brighter prettier show for there mate but thats not the peacock's normal self. Every animal on the planet hides itself one way or another humans are the just the same we just think we are different. Yes the spelling is bad im Dyslexic, I was bullied at school and until I asked my first girlfriend out I had bee single for sometime but like many things in live they don't come to you if you want it you got to find it, Never give up, and never give up asking it only takes one to say yes and they could be the one!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): I'm a 20 year old girl. I am also a virgin. I have never been in a relationship before, and so desperately want to. Ive got a lot to give a guy but still I'm alone. And I too have changed a heck of a lot since high school.I have gone out and kissed random guys (not many tho) and if id had no self respect i could have easily gotten rid of the V card. But i am better than that. I want it all. I want the relationship first. I'm a very nice girl, i can't think of many people that dislike me, I'm intelligent and apparently not that bad looking (not that I'm in a position to judge). I would love to meet a nice guy who's in the same position as me, and believe me i do notice the nice guys. They just don't notice me back. So just to say, there are girls like us out there. We don't shout about it to the rooftops because we know a lot of guys would be put off by this. Don't lose heart and definitely don't go out and do something you'll regret. Something that someone once said to me and I liked the thought: the right guy (or girl) is out there, but there will be a reason why you haven't found eachother yet... maybe one or both of you aren't ready yet, or something is in the way. It'll happen just give it time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Girls with integrity and grace? We still exist. I'm a proud 25 year old virgin gal, and my lack of sexual activity has nothing to do personal deficiencies. It does, however, have everything to do with self-respect- I'm waiting for a guy who deserves me. In other words, I'm saving myself for a fellow who's attraction to me stretches beyond the simple possibility of getting in my pants- a guy who respects me as much as I respect myself.
I know everyone says it's different for guys than it is girls, but why should it be? Yeah, there's some asinine social status thing associated with guys adding notches to their belts, but how fulfilling can something that empty really be? There's nothing more attractive than personal acceptance. Be who you are- if you are a romantic, then stick to your guns and wait for romance, it'll find you eventually. There's no reason that societal pressures should prevent you from waiting to experience the mutual respect you deserve.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Hey I'm 19 and i have the exact same problem. The only difference is that on top of that I have had to deal with depression since I was 13. I have made out before but it wasnt authentic and ended in disaster due to the fact that I have and still have a little OCD. This time last year i was still in a clinic in Houston for OCD patients. Its been very difficult and sometimes I have thoughts and feelings of suicide. I dont act upon them its just very difficult also when you very shy and get nervous and never feel like there is a connection with someone like me. Anyone else feel this way?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): Your not alone, I'm 25 years old (Male), and I've never been in a relationship in all my life, and I'm a still a virgin at 25 :( I also feel the same way when I look around, I see so many couples, even all of my friends have had a least 1 girlfriend in their lives, and they, of course, arent virgins. For all these years, I always feel left out, especially when I look at my age. I do get depressed sometimes and try not to cry about it. Some people make it look easy, but for me, its very difficult, two good reasons why is because I have very low self esteem, and I am a very very shy person.
Dont feel left out, your not the only one, at least your a little younger than me lol. But someday it will happen, you just have to wait for the right time.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): You think you have problems? I'm a 22 year ole male and am in almost an identical situation to yourself. At school, in the UK, i was verbally teased because the "lads" who thought they were hard and tough guys would target people they perceived as weak. I was one of those and people would call me names and give abuse, though thankfully nothing physical. But I am a strong character and survived school though i hated it. Their were many girls i fancied like mad, some who i knew fancied me back and had a strong connection with, but i could never proceed with kissing them or asking them out. Girls came into my life at various times but the same problem presented itself: I have no experience, and i would feel awkward, but how do i gain experience? Everyone must start somewhere. I am an introverted character and have few friends but when i go out to nightclubs from time to time, i feel awkward because the whole atmosphere breeds sex, due to all the scantly glad girls, and i feel awkward. The difference is though i am actually a confident person, i have just become accostumed to being on my own and i am positive about many things, the only major concern of have is my experiences with girls. I dont want to pay for sex, i want it to be consentual, and i wouldnt recommend paying for it to anyone cos it is very damaging to the self-esteem in the long term. You will feel depressed, you will feel down because the media make it out that everyones having sex. Its even worse if you are a good looking guy like me, because you think to yourself, it must be something else other than my looks and you genuinely think something is wrong with you. What makes me feel strong is playing music, like the guitar, where my emotions poured out in songs and i feel so great when i perform them. I reckon you should take up an instrument it will make you feel good and will give you something positive to focus on.Or if you've got mates, go out with them or take up a new sport. Why not do what i'm doing and reply to other peoples problems cos it really boosts your self esteem. I mean i have not even kissed yet i am always hoping one day i will get lucky. Try and find a life coach or counsellor and get to the route of your problems, which im doing.But never doubt yourself or your sexuality like i have done in my darkest hours ALWAYS REMEMBER: NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU AND NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR virginity may make you and me feel depressed but remember you may have things going on in your life that are great that other people dont have. Pick out something positive in yourself, like your good job, your hair or whatever it is, buy self-help books. I wish you and myself luck!
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male
reader, 7th Seeker +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Me again, just saying I'm now registered as 7th Seeker.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Hey guys its me, thanks a lot for your answers. I didn't expect to get such great advice and understanding.
Dr Vendetta, I totally get what you're saying. Romance is dead, or so it seems. And that's a big part of my problem I think. A lot of girls around here just want a casual fling, and gladly open their legs for idiots. These guys don't offer them anything, its more of a social status kinda thing. There doesn't seem to be girls with integrity and grace (or maybe there are and I just cant find them).
Its just my nature to want to really care for someone and have that meaningful relationship going on...maybe I'm too old fashioned. If only I was around on the 50s with all those well-mannered, charming girls ha ha.
I have built my self esteem a lot since school ended - I learned to play guitar, which is something I've always wanted to do. I travelled overseas for a while. Wrote some stories I've had in my head for a while. In every regard I'm a far stronger person now, but romance still eludes me.
I feel like I have a lot of good things to offer. I'm reasonably smart, creative - I enjoy writing and music, philosophy...and while I'm no Brad Pitt, I'm not bad looking either. I suppose it is just a lack of confidence around girls I find attractive that causes me problems. I mean, I can talk casually with girls at work, but if I feel attracted to them I get "They only like you as a friend, they feel sorry for you" thoughts.
I also can empathize with the anonymous female poster: what if I do have sex, and its overrated, or won't give me that 'something' I feel lacking in. That would be ironic...I'd hate to have sex with some tart and regret it, all for the sake of losing the 'V card'. In a way, that worries me more!
Thanks for reading this everyone. I haven't talked to anyone I know about this cause its too awkward. Men aren't supposed to carry on like this, you know. "Toughen up, man!", they'd say, "Sex is nothing." I've tried that but it hasn't worked. Just having people listen without ridicule means a lot to me.
If anyone else has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
Thanks for reading
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I'm actually in exactly the same situation your currently in. I'm 20 and still a virgin. I too was verbally bullied at school, and until recently had low self-esteem.
Up until recently, I would've classed myself as having a very 'introvert' personality; anti-social, never relly making the effort to talk to people.
now I'm putting myself in a lot more social environments and trying harder to engage with people I don't know, which has realy improved my self-esteem.
Fear of rejection is still on my mind when confronting girls and asking them out, but then i realise the worst that can happen is they say 'no'.
My point is that by putting myself into situations I found uncomfertable turned out to be a good thing. As I'm now starting to realise, it's better to take risks than play it safe.
If this advice doesn't really relate to you, then at least its good to know there are others who are in the same situation your in.
Heres an article I found that might be useful...
http://media.www.tuftsdaily.com/media/storage/paper856/news/2005/10/21/Features/The-20YearOld.Virgin.Not.As.Rare.On.Campus.As.You.May.Think-1491780.shtml
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): aw. dont worry or get depressed over it, you will find a partner soon, you are still young and people around your age do stuff like partying and a lot are single. try going to clubs or somewhere to meet people
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male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (22 February 2008):
 theres many guys who feel this way.they're called single men. how to cope? * shrugs*i'm sure someone will say " Gee billy. you just gotta hold on in there untill you meet yah special gal! "when we both know thats the easy answer the Truth of the matter is that women want whats bad for them.if you're going to try and be some new age romantic. i hate to be the one to burst your bubble here but romance is dead and it ain't coming back.check out this board. " my bf beats me but i still love him and i don't wanna leave him"" he cheated on me with all my freinds and my mother.. but i still love him"seeing a pattern?women like the bad boy. the bad boy who will treat them crappy. to coin a phrase " treat'em mean keep'em keen" is sad but true.and i'm sure the other aunts will say.. " oh i'm not like that i go for nice guys" and to them i say : But you Have been with an asshole at one time and stayed with him because you "loved him".Theres The Truth :D and theres The Truth :(The Truth :D - is sugar coated and usually is avoiding the issue and leaves out important infomationThe Truth :( - is simply. the truth, cold and blunt. like most of the women i've dated.so to round things up here. Yes someone Will come along. however you got alot more shit digging to do.Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): you dont need to feel that way , although its undersatndable, in retro respect to what youve just said i was the totall oposite to you in school, i was the bad boy one of the popular guys, i had girls chasing after me,but was either to shy to do anything bout it or too oblivious to it haha cos i was too busiy off partying with the lads getting wasted lol i had plenty of girls but never got round to it fully untill i was 19 so dont worry bout it,i would say that if you were the geeky type at school then the girls wouldnt have been atracted to it, they like strentgth and confience, thats the key to it, but dont be over confident and come off an arrogant dickhead lol, so forget what happned before and look to the future,its more bout personality than looks although they obviously help things, once youve done it and your over that 1st hurdle it aint such a big deal,and just comes natrully, anyways hope this insight helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I can really relate to you and I have had a fairly similar experience to you, only difference is that I'm a girl. You and I both wanted it for similar reasons I think, we wanted to feel worthy of someone, we wanted to experience being close and intimate with someone else. For a long time I thought of myself as a loser and didnt have much self confidence. I would tell myself that if only, just only I could have sex with a guy then Id be ok. So what did I do? I slept with my bf and although he was my bf, I regretted it the next day because it just wasnt right. I was having sex for the wrong reasons. I was having it in hope it would boost my self confidence and make me feel beter about myself, I was hoping it would make me feel more wanted and loved...when it didnt. So I really want to stress the point that going out and just finding anyone to have sex with wont make you feel better about yourself, it will probably make you feel worst because if you sleep with soemone who isnt right for you, you are disrespecting yourself.In the end, having sex doesnt mean much really. What does mean something is having a close, loving and healthy relationship with someone and this is what I think you should focus on achieving, not sex. So what can you do? Well if I was you, Id focus on building up your self esteem. Sounds like you were very badly bullied in school and to this day it is still effecting you negativly. Maybe you could try talking to a counsellor? They can really help. They helped me. Once you have dealt with the insecurities you have, you will be ready to find someone and be in a relationship. But until then I dont think its a good idea for you to be in one because otherwise you might end up having sex for the wrong reasons.
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