A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am 19, and have only had one other relationship with a boy who was 21. He was a kind person and a good first boyfriend, but he didn't want anything serious and was more interested in going to the bars all night with his friends (something I couldn't do with him). We are still somewhat seeing each other, but mostly we are just friends because we live across the state from each other. Recently however, I met someone amazing. I gave him my number after I met him and didn't expect him to call, but he did! We've gone on two dates so far and he has been a complete gentleman. He's down to earth, chivalrous, and very intelligent. We have a lot of common interests, and he seems serious about dating me. So far we have only kissed once (a peck on the lips) and we have also held hands briefly. After the second date however, we discovered that the age gap between us is much greater than we both assumed. He is 33, and I am 19. It was not obvious to either of us, as I look and act mature for someone my age and have been living on my own since I turned 17. He looks to be about 25, and since we have so much and common and get along so well the age gap wasn't obvious to either of us.Is it wrong for me to pursue a relationship with someone 14 years older? I know a lot of people will assume that it's a sexual thing on his end, but he's been a complete gentleman (much more so than the guys my own age), and he hasn't been pushing me at all or even flirting that hard. I am a good looking girl, and I get a lot of attention from sleazy guys that I don't look twice at. This man seems serious, and really respects me. I am a strong, independent woman who has had a lot of life experience for someone my age. I feel happy when I am with him, and the age difference isn't apparent to me. However, I really worry what other people in my family will think in the future if we become serious. Please tell me what you think, and if you have been in an age-gap relationship I would love to hear what it was like, and what problems you faced. Thank you for your time!
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female
reader, Cloud123 +, writes (14 October 2015):
Please tell me what happened after all??? I noticed the post was made 4 years ago. The reason why I'm here is bcz I'm going through the exact same thing right now, when I say exact same , I'm not exaggerating it. I really don't know if it's worth risking. I hope you reply.. Your experience might influence my decisions in some way.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2011):
 you should sleep with him when you feel ready not before.there is nothing wrong with taking it slow....
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reader, feralfox +, writes (26 December 2011):
I am in a very similar situation. I'm dating a man ten years older than me, and I'm just finishing up college. My advice to you is to take things very slow, and take everything he says with a grain of salt. The only way you can protect yourself is by getting to know him over time, and seeing how his actions reflect his character. As for your family, I plan on telling my parents about the guy I'm dating after I know it's going somewhere... and I don't plan on telling them about the age difference unless we're doing something major like moving in together, or if I'm taking him home for the holidays. You are an adult now, you are independent, and you can date whomever you choose. Just take everything one step at a time! That's what I'm doing at least, it's hard to tell with guys because they can be so good with words, so just be cautious and pay close attention to the way he treats you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): Op here, I just forgot the code that dearcupid gave me.Thank you to everyone for your advice! How long should I wait to become physical with this guy? I waited a month to be with my ex boyfriend, but we had been friend a long time. I was thinking about waiting two months, or longer if I feel uncomfortable. I am going to keep seeing this man, but I think that all of your opinions are very valid and I am going to take the relationship very slow. If he's not okay with this, I think he'll move on fast because he lives in the university district part of our city. So if he is a bad guy and all he is interested in is being intimate with a younger girl he could probably find another one pretty easily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011): I have a 23yr old friend who is with a 39yr old guy. Personally I didn't think it would work at first but they've been together 4/5yrs which is longer than most people I know and seem happy. She was very mature, like you and had lived on her own from 16. Won't lie to you though, they've had a lot of problems with friends, family and even strangers thinking it's really weird (it is a bigger age gap than yours though). Some family did disown them although they're coming around to it now. They also lost some friends, some of the guys friends thought he was a pervert and threatened him. So be aware of that aspect of it.I'd just advise you to be sensible about it, definitely get to know this guy for a little while longer before you act on anything, it's only been 2 dates! See where he is in life - is he settled and mature enough for his age? Are you also ready to settle? If everything seems fine then go ahead, age doesn't always matter but it is unusual for it to work out so don't rush into anything.
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reader, dmartin89  +, writes (26 December 2011):
 I met my partner when I was 19 and he was 32 and weve been together for over 3 years. It's good that you are independent at your age. When I met my OH I was at college and living with my parents. Our relationship moved very quickly, I moved in with him after 2 months and became somewhat dependent on him. Once you get into that kind of habit its very hard to get out of, especially since I didnt have a job. Keep your independence and dont let things move too quickly!If he's respectful and kind and he makes you happy then your family should be fine with it.Good luck!
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 December 2011):
 Put it this way, in this day and age, I have yet to meet a man that is 33, who is in a serious, stable relationship with a 19 year old. If you're good looking and receive a lot of attention from men, then what drew him to you are your looks and your youth. Of course he is not treating you badly or pressuring you into anything, he has just met you! He is 33 and knows how to play the game significantly better than some 19 or 21 year old schmuck. A mentally healthy, mature good man would never pursue a 19 year old. Sorry.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2011):
Well the gap can work but what you want at 19 is not what you want at 30... that being said.. my fiance is 38. I'm nearly 52. It can work.
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reader, Happy_Heart5 +, writes (26 December 2011):
Ooo I've just had a bit of a bad experience with a 26 year old, I'm 18. So I understand how you are feeling regarding the age gap.I was always concerned about the age gap, and I was right to be.Turns out he was just after one thing. He was a gentleman at first but then each time I met him after that his true colours began to show. He showed that he was possessive, controlling, and domineering. Just be aware of how he comes across each new time you meet him. If there's any changes in his personality, that will cause for concern. Spend time on getting to know him, so then you will get to see the real him. I found out about him through his friends. Maybe you could try and suss him out beforehand if this is possible. The problem is he could only be telling you what you want to hear, that's why you should get to know others opinions. If that isn't possible though just be wise and see If you can tell is he's being genuine. A problem with the age gap is that he seen my younger age as an advantage to him, as I was more vulnerable. He came across all charming, but turns out he was just doing that to get me into bed. He was just trying to flatter me. Is he trying to find out about you as a person? Asking you questions to find out about your personality?If so that's a good sign :) It also suggests that he isn't just interested in your body, but what is on the inside.The 26 year old I was with just flattered me with compliments about my looks (that gave it away to me that he didn't want to get to know my personality).Get to know him better and try to work out his intentions and morals. Maybe they could be good. By the sounds of things he is interested. In time, maybe after a few more meetings, let him know you want to take things slow and see where things go. If he cares about you he will understand this. This will hint to him that you are after a serious relationship and not just sex. If he sticks around it will show you that he wants to pursue you.He's over a generation older than you. That's the scary thing. He's had a lot more experience regarding relationships and such. Whereas you've only had one with the 21 year old. You're young so you should get all the experience you can. But take this as an experience. See how thing's go.It may just be that he's passing through your life to teach you a lesson, or it could be that he's meant to be in your life. So this will be a good thing regardless, so it'll be best not to worry or stress about the situation.But as you say, and I do agree with you, people our age are sleazy and aren't as respectful. So maybe he could be the one to treat you right.If you two do get into a relationship you may find that you two have different priorities which you'd both have to adapt to. He's probably at a point in life where he wants marriage, and to raise a family. Whereas your priorities are completely different, I assume, being a 19 year old. This could prove to be a difficulty.But there are many good happy relationships that I know of where there are 20 year ages gaps etc...So it just depends on the people in the relationship.You sound like a mature young woman, and you are wise and strong. It now just depends on him.So now is your turn to find out the real him.It isn't wrong to pursue a relationship with someone 14 years older. IT'S LEGAL, so in the eyes of the law, it's absolutely fine.It doesn't necessarily mean it's going to just be a sexual thing. Just be cautious and don't give away anything too soon. If you're happy when you're with him, that is all that matters. Keep going out with him, and see where things go.Your family will understand. I told my parents and the advice they gave me was... Have fun, but have your wits. They said that would be completely fine if something was to happen, because that would've meant it was meant to be, but things didn't work out, so it showed me that it wasn't meant to be.Whatever will be will be.If it's meant to happen, it will happen :)so don't worry or don't stress.Age is just a number, now it's time for you to get to know that person behind the number :) Sorry for the long answer!All the best :) x
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reader, baybee-x-sparkii +, writes (26 December 2011):
 I have to admit, it does depend on the two people. I recently had the same kind of situation but with a 29 year old. We didn't get as far as a relationship (no matter what he may have said to the contrary) but it became very fast paced and very pressurised. You are very young and this can be very hard to deal with. There is the constant pressure of his peer group regarding marriage and children and if you are not ready for this then it can really send you crazy. And on the sex thing- as you are 19, it is your choice who you screw (to put it rather bluntly) but what I would say is BE CAREFUL! You are running the risk of one of you becoming too attached and the age difference may not be obvious now, however once you get under the first layers of getting to know each other it might become more obvious.At the end of the day it is your decision but please please be careful- I don't wanna see you get in the same situation as mexxx
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 December 2011):
It could wind up being an issue. I'm dating someone and we have the same age gap, he's 42 and I'm about to be 28 in a couple weeks. He's actually more concerned about our age difference than I am. Mainly because of life experiences etc. He's had girlfriends that are quite a bit younger than him before too and vague answer to what happened with those is that they screwed him over.
To be honest, at 19...you still have a lot of life to live! He has experienced a lot more that you have yet to experience. So although you may be mature for your age, to a 33-year old, you would lack maturity and experience. I think this would concern your family too, as they may feel that he's taking advantage of you since you're so much younger. I have a lot of the same concerns too--if this guy I'm dating were ever to meet my family, what would they think about him? The age gap between him and my father is less than the age gap between him and me!
So just go with it for now. If you two get along and enjoy each other's company, I don't see any harm. You're an adult and you're entitled to make mistakes if he turns out to be one, it's a part of growing up. If he turns out to be a great guy and you wind up together, then it was worth the risk. He's not THAT old, he's quite a bit older than you, but it's not like you're dating a grandpa.
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