A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wrote yesterday "So many boys want to date me but I reject them all for my married neighbor who is 40! I'm 16. He is married but only see his family twice a mth over weekends coz they are overseas. We have been seeing each other almost daily for past 2 yrs, and I dont mind to be his second wife. he said I'm too young and prefers that I continue with my studies."Just to add that I've finished high school; where I come from it's not unusual to marry at 16; polygamy is permitted wth consent from first wife and I know he already has that agreement when he married her 15 yrs ago; I got on real well wth her previously and since finding out our relationship, we are still on speaking terms, I'm sure we can get along, particularly when we hardly meet. Finally, I cant imagine a life without him. How can I make him marry me ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Unlike some of my fellow responders, I find nothing inherently wrong in you wanting to marry this man as his second wife. It is fraught with complications, but it could be done. Even here in the United States, I know of people who are effectively "married" (through very complex legal arrangements and a lot of love and good will) to more than one partner.
The problem, though, is that HE has to want to marry you, and his wife has to want you as a part of the family. They both have to ACTIVELY WANT YOU, not just be willing to accept you. From what you say, that is not the case. So if you are determined to marry this man, your first step must be to wait (got that?, WAIT) until he is ready to marry you. You can let him know (just once!) that you are interested, but don't pester him or you will just drive him away. The idea has to come from HIM and be actively endorsed by his wife, or you don't stand a chance of it ever working out.
And in the meantime, you might want to seek out friends, relatives, or others who are already the junior wives in poly marriages and find out how it is working for them. Talk to them, and get to know the hard facts about the day in and day out troubles and joys and sorrows of being wife #2. Don't step into this blindly.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 April 2007):
 You poor girl...is your self esteem so low that you would settle for such an arrangement with a much older man? AT 16 you are barely starting out on your life whereas he is mid-way through his. Of course he likes the attention you give him - it is a distraction from his mid-life crisis. You cannot make him marry you and you shouldnt settle for so little - this is not about his age so much as his inability to commit himself 100% to you. When you get older then you will understand that if a man is really into you then they will run to the ends of the earth to make you happy and give you what you want. No point in settling for less!
You need support to get through this and stop seeing the guy romantically. If you don't have a strong family relationship, talk to friends or teachers about it.
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A
female
reader, maofone +, writes (11 April 2007):
girlfriend move on! he's already married-ur just settin yourself up to get hurt BIGTIME if you stay involved.andif he did decide to marry you-he'll just try to control you because you're sooooooo much younger than him.you've got your whole future ahead of you.best of luck
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (11 April 2007):
 I can't imagine WANTING to be a second wife, so I can't figure out why this would be okay with you. Second, even if you COULD make him marry you, he would be resentful if it wasn't something he wanted to do in the first place.
But here's what you should do: (1) Finish your studies. It's what he wants you to do anyway, and doing what he wants will put him in a better frame of mind for you. (2) Don't have sex with him, don't get pregnant by him. You want him to CHOOSE you, not be forced to be with you. (3) Remain friendly until your studies are finished. (4) Once you're finished with your studies, if you decide that you STILL want him, approach his first wife and have her help you with the situation.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 April 2007):
 Of course you can't MAKE him marry you and why would you even what to MAKE someone marry you? If you want to settle being a second fiddle that's your choice. He doesn't sound that interested if he says you should continue on with your studies. I'd take a deep breath and move on if I were you.
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A
female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (11 April 2007):
 you cant make anyone marry you. leave him alone, find somebody else and somebody who will love you and not some other woman at the same time. married men are out of bounds, and i dont know what country your from but its illegal over here from married men to marry again. and it should be everywhere else because i dont know what vows you take when you marry but here you dedicate yourself to one person, not 2. you should literally forget him. and you cant MAKE somebody marry you, its just stupid, what happened to the traditional marrying for love???
im young myself and i know that ive got years ahead of me to find someone. but i would never ever marry (or make) a man who was already married. be sensible about it, show some respect to his wife and leave him well alone.
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