| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I've been talking to a guy who I've known since May and it's starting to get more serious. He's great and I like him a lot, but the problem is that he's 14 years older than me. I know it seems like a lot, expecially since I'm 16, but we connect on so many levels that it seems like we always know what the other is thinking. We like a lot of the same things and have the same interests for the future. The problem is that he's nervous about the age gap even though 16 is legal in my state. Also, he's friends with my dad and he doesn't want to get on his bad side. I keep trying to respect the way he feels, but every time we talk, we end up talking about us being together, etc... I can not stop being attracted to him, and I've always been attracted to men his age-- just never as much as I feel for him. He keeps saying that he'd like to take it to the next level, but every time, his conscience keeps getting in the way. What should I do to convince him that everything will turn out ok? I know that neither one of us wants to stop this altogether, and waiting seems pointless because when do we stop waiting? I wish there was some way to stop this problem right away, but I don't see an easy way out. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006): Although I usually never do this, after reading the other comments,I felt you needed some sort of comfort.
Ive been in your position before. I was 16, started a new job, and fell head over heels in love with a man 14 yrs my senior as well. I thought, this is just the rush of everything, its a crush, I'll get over it. Three years later, he still makes me skip a heartbeat each time I see him or am with him. Eventually, I left the job but we continued talking and although I wish I could tell you we lived happily ever after, it would be a lie. I think the problem with these relationships is that you need time because you already start off with one thing against you. Want to calm his anxiety? Tell him you know something else is there, that you're mature, and if what he needs is time, you can wait it out together. I still talk to my prince charming every day but in being so incredibly career-focused, when hes given in, Ive opted out and vice versa.
But before you begin to question him baby, think two things through.
1. Only say what I said above if you truly mean it. Talking from experience, you have the whole wide world ahead of you and you will meet other guys, and go out with them! I know it sounds crazy now (it did to me too) but it will happen ... and will only happen if he leaves for awhile.
2. Think it through carefully and make sure its not a crush but something you are willing to stick through thick and thin... and in the beginning it will most likely be thick. Be prepared to deal with questions of marriage and children. Trust me! Not all age-conscience relationships are like that, but judging from your guy, he is.
I have no doubt you are mature ... but I don't want you to miss out on everything else because of it! I dont regret putting our relationship on hold for a second! I went out, studied on my own, am finishing up college, excelled in my work... with no other responsibility or attachment. I was able to date and get a feel for what I liked, what I didnt. And at the end, hes still there. If he hadnt stuck through, thats ok too! It just shows you it wouldnt have worked anyway.
Best to you doll!! I hope that whatever is best for you is what happens. Keep me updated!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2005): Dear female anonymous,
When you think about what you have written, and the advice offered, the issues seem to be what "others" might think and the "catorgories" that other people attach to age gap relationships.
-Generally people assume there is a power relationship between a "much" older partner and a younger one, generally because we live in a patriarchal society its assumed/understood there will be a dominant relationship of the man over the woman. Some men are conscious of the power that society gives them, would prefer to reject this power (if they can) try to be self critical and would prefer empowered or equal women rather than assume a dominant role. If they are older than their women friends they would be nervious of commitment, because it looks like they are seeking domination rather than something more equal.
-As an observer to a realtionship, there is also a tendancy to always assume the worst, when an older man befriends a younger woman. We think there are negative intentions involved. Whereas, nothing may have been in this mans mind other than, here is a woman, the daughter of a friend, who he likes and becomes friendly and as time passes he cares more, seeks to protect, offers friendship, advice. It's a natural process, its also natural that in the course of the development of this relationship the parties will reflect on what they think, and inevitably what others do as well.
-There is also a tendancy to talk in conventional terms, partnership, lovers, marriage. when is reality and given space from what other people assume or are thought to assume, and time, this "thing" could develop in a variety of directions on the continuum that exists between being friends/lovers/marriage partners.
My advice is this:
- Take your time, reflect on what you want, not what peoples reactions will be.
- Talk, don't think that either of you have to conform, or fit other peoples categories, there are no rigid rules about what a fiendship or a partnership should take. We live in an age where people live together outside of marriage, and "being engaged" has never constituted a legal arrangement.
- Neither of you are each others properties, and if each of you seek to protect each others autonomy and rights, to offer advice not domination or seek conformity, continue to talk and also consider that things may not work out for a variety of reason least of all because there are a number of years between you. Marriages don't always work because people are very similar (this is a reciepy for bordom).
- Just give it time, talk to each other, what if it does'nt work out, another kind of friendship might evolve, you might have had a very good lover, the experience will have lots of positives and negatives, but listen to yourself more than anything and be a strong woman who has her own opinion and learns from her own expereince even if over time these include mistakes.
- Listening to my daughters expereinces with men I can understand why women are sometimes attracted to older rather than younger men. Don't dismiss relationships with older men, you will ultimately be the best judge over the outcomes of any relationships you have, but as you seem to be talking about college or university....make sure you go! Your male friend seems to think you should be thinking along those lines, which makes him sound like he's seeking to empower you rather than oppress you.
Best wishes, listen to yourself, and make the bigger commitment to each other or not because you want to rather than what other people think. Be strong, don't be patronised, do things because you want to, be prepared to make mistakes, but when you do don't let them wreck your life, learn from them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Yes, my friends support this because they have met him too. My mom met him twice and says he's a very nice person-- and it's hard to leave a good impression when it's my mom. I told her that I like him, and she's known that I'm always looking at older guys. She is aware of the situation, and still has not said anything negative about it.
I am listening to your advice, I'm just trying to figure out what I really want. That's why I haven't actually persued all of this yet. I've seen these relationships work. My uncle is 18 years older than his girlfriend and she was 17 when they met. They've been living together for years now and are doing well. My grandparents also had a large age gap and stayed married for over 50 years. My parents met when my mom was 16; my dad was 22.
I didn't post this with the intentions of having total disregard for your advice. I'm just trying to take it all in, and make a decision. I do not want to make the wrong decision by ignoring your advice, but I also want to be able to trust my gut instinct in all this. And I am definitely not the type to let the first guy that comes around take my virginity and run off. It would take many months for me to actually go that far.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Well Sweetheart your mind was already made up. All of our advice you will disreguard. What a shame.
He is nervous cause he knows its wrong, dont you see that. It seems to me as though your pressuring him. Maybe he doesnt want this at all. Maybe he is just humoring you.
I know we are all strangers here but I would be willing to bet we are all wise and caring people who want to help, that is why we are here. We are also older a a bit wiser.
Your going to do want you want to, and that is clear. Have it your way.
In a year I would love to hear how this all worked out.
Its then you will see.
You will learn from your mistakes. It is then you will say I should have listened.
By the do you have a mother? If so where is she? Does she know about this? What would she think? Do your other family members and friends support this?
Merry x-mas
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): To the person who left the last reply, thanks for your advice, but that was not my question. I want to know how to comfort him that he will not lose his friendship with my dad as he gains a relationship with me. But this response has left me with a question... If he asks for sex, then he's a bad guy right? and if he doesn't ask for sex, but I want it, then he's a perp? However, if I have sex with a guy my age, that's wrong because those relationships are just high school experiments... There are way too many contradictions here, so I have decided to put my trust in a man who I feel is deserving of it. All I wanted to know is how to deal with his being nervous.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): I don't know why you bothered to post this question, hon - you argue with everything people say.
This guy really needs to grow up and start hanging out with people his own age. I have friends this age and if one turned up with a 16 year old I think I would clobber him over the head and tell him to grow up but they wouldn't do something like that because they are MEN.
For gods sake, what sort of man is he if he can't even tell your father, his friend. If it was true love he would just do it. I can understand him not wanting to tell your father if however he just wants to shag you. Then he knows your father will knock his lights out. As would i.
Very sweet how he's not pressuring you into sex. Isn't that making you feel like you really want to sleep with him. So now he's sneaky and immature. Great mix.
Go out and find some guys your own age or within a couple of years of your age. I would suggest the same to him.
It seems that you have already made your mind up but if you do sleep with him you will regret it.
And though it seems you think you know everything, you are 16 after all, you really don't. Please take the advice from the other posts.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): Hello!!!! This guy is a perp, and he is making you feel like you have to convince HIM of the relationship. That way, he can have you and be guilt free. HE IS A PERP!!!! There are serious reasons why you like men his age, and there are serious reasons why he likes you at your age. Talk to a counselor through rape crisis/victim services and tell them that you have questions about this relationship. They will help you confidentially. You are going to really be in trouble if you go for this relationship! You need to explore more about who you are, where you are wanting to go in life, and how you are going to respond to what life hands you. How is he going to respond to your process? He is not a nurturing father type. BE CAREFUL, and stay away. You will find great love with someone else if you leave this one alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): I am not attracted to boys... I need someone who knows where he is in life. As for my future, I already have 2 colleges picked out, and he is supportive of my need to continue my education which is priority for me. He wants to see me continue on the career that I have wanted since I was 6. I've already had a job in this line of work for about a year now, and he wants to see me reach the top. He is totally there for me, and that's one of the reasons why this guy is so wonderful. He is not pressuring me for sex, and even if we do in the future, we both know to be completely safe about it and not wind up with me pregnant.... and if somehow all fails, well I guess thats just fate, nothing much else you can do about it. At least I would be with a man who could help me raise the baby and keep me going to school at the same time, instead of some boyfriend who would not be mature enough to handle a situation like that.
And as far as being a "kid" for as long as I can, well I don't really agree with that. People can grow up and move on to the next thing in their life... They should just never forget how to be happy and enjoy the simple little things in life.
...............................
A
female
reader, candice001 +, writes (20 December 2005):
With respect to male you are interested in. It seems to me as though he is protecting you and himself by refraining from becoming intimate with such a young person as he knows it is wrong. I think he is being smart.
You are awefully young to be considering a relationship at this time.
What about school? College? Your future?
Men should not concern you. Boys on the other hand should. Date and I mean date boys closer to your own age. You would be surprised how mature some can be. Then you can grow and learn together. It is then you will find true love and harmony.
I do not beleive that young girls or woman who seek love in a man who is so much older can find true love. Your too young for this.
A long term relationship is so far in your future. You have so much growing up to do and planning. Today you need to plan.
If he is 30 and friends with your father dont you think he may then treat you like a daughter. Often times that is the case when young girls become involved with older men.
I advise not to find love now and worry more about establishing yourself as a young adult. You have plenty of time to find love.
I always told my own daughter "Be a kid as long as you can, Your an adult for the rest of your life"
Now she asks me if she can go back to being a kid. She is 17.5 yrs old pregnant due on 12.24.05. Scared and alone her bf was older to. But not that old. She knows what she is up against.
Your going to do what you want to and I dont know you. However its a tough world out there and an education is so critical to your survival of success and happiness.
Be careful what you choose today as they can effect your outcome tomorrow, and dont allow your feelings to over ride your judgements of what will be best for yourself in the future.
Good luck!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): The problem with telling my dad is that, yes, we both know it's too soon to commit to a real relationship. We don't want to anger my dad by telling him, and then not have it work out anyways. This guy is afraid of losing the friendship he has with my dad. I almost feel that I would have to go behind my dad's back to carry on this relationship and find out if this will work. We both realize that it's completely wrong to lie to my dad... and this is where we're stuck.
...............................
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (19 December 2005):
you've only known him since may so i would say that's not really long enough to commit to a relationship with anyone no matter what your age. if he's friends with your dad this could work two ways. either your dad will tell you he's too old for you and try to stop you seeing him or your dad will be pleased that you've fallen for a good guy who he knows and respects. it is a big age gap and his conscience gets in the way for a reason but if you're falling for each other, you can't help it. I have dated men twice my age and the results have been disastrous BUT my partners parents have been married for 26 years. my partners mum was only 16 when she had him and his dad is more than 20 years older. follow your heart but be careful. get to know this guy a little better. explain the situation to your dad and ask for his blessing. good luck
...............................
|
