A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Been with my bf for over 3 years. Anyways I feel really insecure in the relationship. He looks at porn and always perves at other women when we are out in the public. I have told him about how this makes me feel yet he still does it. I was just wondering if people can tell me maybe why he's ignoring my feelings and continues to still do this? I am thinking of leaving him as he tells me that he does not look at porn, even though I have walked in on him looking at it and I have found adults' films with his stuff. This is lying and I don't want to be in a relationship where this is going to be a problem. What do people think? Should I or shouldn't I leave him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006): Throughy my own unhappy experiences I would say if he won't respect how you feel about what he is doing you should get out of this relationship before you get too tied into it either through marriage or having children. Once someone hurts you like this it is very hard to forgive and move on. His lies prove that he knows what he is doing is wrong but still prefers to take the risk of loosing you over his obsession. No one has the right to make you feel like this, you deserve a better life than the one that will be in store for you if you stay. Go now while it is easy for you and be cautious before you choose the next boyfriend to have a relationship with.
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (31 December 2005):
 hi ,
firstly i d like to say too i wish my fella was more like ed! i too have a guy who seems to leer at girls in public and it really upsets me but his only answer is to just completely deny it, my trouble is i carry on with him too scared to dump him just incase he might miraculously be telling the truth and i am just imagining it , but if i had the proof you had i would be outta here...i have been with guys who dont do it and spoken about it with an ex who didnt do it who says he knows guys that dont do it so why should we put up with the upset!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): I can totally relate. It destroyed my relationship just recently after 3.5 yrs.
He is ignoring your feelings because he is addicted. It is an adrenaline rush for men. It fulfills fantasies you cant. Men are visual and some need more.
My x liked chicks with dicks. I cant do that. This is the material he masturbated to when I was not there. Sick huh?
My bf is devestated I left him over this. I warned him. I left him. He doesnt get it. Thats why he didnt stop.
This is a very seriuos problem and I experienced it first hand. It is very painful. Still is. I never knew.
If it threatens you. You should heed to the warning. It can bring you down and make you feel incredibally insecure.
If he needs porn than why does he need you? I say that if he is excessive about it. If he lies about it, he probly is excessive. He knows it is wrong. Mine did.
I used to have an open mind to it until I met him. We used to make our own.
When I started to figure it all out OMG I was devestated.
It wasnt so much that he viewed it. It was when I learned about what he was viewing and the content. It was aweful.
He is into transexuals and this thing called cuckolding.(Where men watch other men screw their wifes.) It was a form of humiliation and inadaquacy as well as bi sexual.
He loves a mans penis as much as do. Ouch!
He loves other woman and always was checking them out and commenting.
For the entire time I was with him he did this. When I asked to to stop or be more mainstream or even just tell me it is there so it doesnt seem like such a secret he just got better at hidding it.
I would find it in the garage, small garbage bags in the cabinets, sugar jars, tool boxes. I once found a stash of 20 DVD in his truck. Those were all tranny and bi. Not to mention the inernet activity. Thats a whole other story.
My x claim to be a straight male, he only recently admitted to me bi curiousity. He called it rebellious. What the hell does that mean?
That is what did it for me. I was always suspicious but when the confession came, it sunk in. I cant and never will understand bi or gay things.
I have always feared catching him with a person with a dick man or tranny.
Be careful this brought me to a new low. My mind is damaged and the thoughts and feelings race to this very day. It was worse than the time I was raped. The rape stopped. He didnt.
I am very confident and love the way I look, till I met him. I am very sexy woman and get hit on all the time.
Why I stayed and allowed this to happen i will never know. I guess I believed him when he said it was gone, Till the next time and when he told me why would I want that when I have you. I fell for it all. He even used the excuse that he ran a porn web site. Hows that for an excuse?
It effected us in the bedroom too. He had a hard time keeping an erection unless I told him stories of the porn fantasies he held, Like another guy having me. Or he would J-off to completion.I felt as though I wasnt able to fufill his fantasy and I could not satisfy him. i gave him sex daily. He stiil masturbated more than we had sex.
Hope my own experience gives you some insight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): hi, thanks all for the advice, i just wanted to respond to some of the comments, first i have asked him about this and i asked him why he looks at it, and he says he doesnt which is a lie because the evidence is there, i have asked him if i dont please him in the bedroom and he said he is very happy with our sex life, i have suggested to him that we could make our own movies just for us - he agrees that its a good idea but never acts on it, i dont wish to look at the porn that he watchs together, i have already looked at it to seee what the big fuss was about and i dont see how 2 women having sex is going to turn me on,i tried to express to him how this makes me feel that he is doing this and he turns around and argues that im the one with problems and i should get over it but the strange thing is i never felt insecure untill he started looking at porn and other women, i have though about things and if he lies to me about it anymore or if i find anymore porn im just gonna leave, i just give up, id rather be alone for the rest of my life then have to be in a relationship with someone who does not care of my feelings and disrepects me, thanks for the advice Mr.Ed, i wish my boy was abit more like you and just be honest. thanks rebecca for the advice.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (19 December 2005):
 I think rebecca is right you should try her suggestion but honestly he needs to come clean with HIS problem. I watch porn once in awhile and I don't lie nor hide this with her. Once a month we watch it together to just add flavor to our relationship. This is communication at it's finest. I do not look at other women in a lusting fashion nor to I eyeball other girls just to get a response. Looking is just asking for trouble. When I was single I did look but I didn't stare. If you have thoroughly expressed your feeling and he continues to do it; it should be considered a blatant sign of dissrespect towards your feelings. Please tell him once more and if he does it one more time or confesses to have an issue with porn GET OUT. Good luck. Ed
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (19 December 2005):
 Talk to him again first.
Looking at porn is one thing, disrespecting you while you are out by leering at other women is possibly worse and then lying about the porn as well does equal a man who appears not to care for how you feel. Allow him to know this and permit him the knowledge yet again of how it makes you feel. Give him the chance to explain himself and to change...this is if you want to give the relationship another shot.
If you wanted, you could suggest watching the porn together, you could ask him if he is happy with your love-making together, you could suggest ways and means of enhancing your relationship but you should make it clear to him that while you put in effort, you expect him to do the same.
He needs to understand how out of order he is and that if he continues to ignore how you feel and disrespect you in this way, then out the door you will go. It isn't blackmail, he isn't behaving how a man should in a relationship and it isn't on.
Tell him today how you feel and see what happens next. If he refuses to change or you see no evidence of a transformation, then seriously consider ending the relationship. There are men out there who know how to treat a woman and why waste your time with a man who cares only for his own needs and wants and not for the real woman in his life to whom he should be devoted to?
I hope this helps.
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