A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My eating disorder is ruining my relationship. I have been with my boyf for two years now and we have some problems, but it all comes down to my insecurity. I'm 20 and he is 23.He has known about my issues with eating for around a year. I was recovered but due to stress i have been relapsing, the last couple of months are my lowest weight in 3 years.A few months ago I found pictures and videos of naked girls on his computer. It was nothing more than this but I reacted badly. He said it was just for when pleasuring himself, was no reflection on me, etc, but he stopped because he knew how it made me feel.Rationally i know it shouldn't bother me so much but it just does. I keep snapping at him about looking at other girls when we're out, even though he isn't. I accuse him of looking at pictures, when he isn't. I always throw it in his face when we argue. I do rationally know it shouldn't bother me, but i feel so ugly all the time that I hate the idea of him looking at other girls because it's better than what he has.He is brilliant with my eating, he tells me i'm beautiful, encourages me and tries his hardest not to get angry. But i think he is starting to have enough of it, and so am i. We argue so much lately and if i could only get over the idea of him looking at other girls i think we'd be okay. I know men will always look at other girls, i'm not stupid. Please don't tell me to just get over it, if it was that easy i wouldn't be asking for your advice. What should i do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, jessaaz  +, writes (11 October 2010):
Hello
Im not the one to comment , but maybe the problem lies somewhere behind that eating disorder. Whats the true reason to that? Just sayin because even if youd get over with this "him looking at other girls" which i think you already said was not even true. Youd still have to deal with that.
Dont feel ugly or compare your self so much to other girls. Im a 21 year old guy and let me tell you that men dont really want those fake women with fake boobs and the stuff you see on magazine and tv is not real. Eat in balanced way and exercise , dance , do something like that or something you always wanted to do and trust me that ur gonna love ur self more and you dont even have time to worry no more :).
I hope im not insulting or anything , just wanted to be helpful. Take care
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): I think you need some time to work on yourself, people tend to forget that in order to love others you need to first love yourself. You need to realise that their is no perfect face or perfect body everyone has flaws and i mean everyone.Clearly, your bf found something special about you thats why you are together. Dont ruin it, your anger arises out of the way you feel about yourself. I do an exercise that usually helps me, stand nude infront of a mirror and look at yourself directly in the eyes. Talk to yourself about what is special about you and what you like about yourself, not physically but on the inside. All the wonderful qualities that you posses, i assure you what you find beautiful about yourself on the inside will make you feel confident and beautiful on the outside. You will discover what a gem you truly are. The most beautiful diamonds are formed in the rough.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I won't tell you to get over it, because you're choosing not to. I'm not saying there aren't issues, but you need to separate what you know he is not doing, and no longer hold those as possibilities. So, if he's not, believing it could be is a self created phobia. This is what you need to weed out.
I want you two to talk and really forgive each other for these issues that are interfering with your ability to really have a good relationship. It is good that he's there for you with your eating disorder. Remember, that is about you and your perceptions of yourself, and not because of him, although these fears can increase the anxiety that's causing these eating difficulties. Since this is affecting both of you, I would like you to try something, with your boyfriend. This is the first time I've recommended this off the wall method of therapy, but in reading your story it developed itself and for whatever reason some of my other out of the norm recommendations have worked for those who have applied them.
You have self conscious issues, with jealousy whether or not there is reason to be. Your boyfriend is with you and sticks by you, and he knows why he does. In a book I'm working on, I talk about the sense of self, and that if you were toss into isolation, bare and with no belongings, the one thing you have left is your sense of self. That's how this exercise needs to be done. It's a, he shows, you listen exercise, and sitting on your bed or where you're comfortable, and being in the buff. I want you at a vulnerable state, where you're at your most self conscious. No covering up, so make sure it's warm in the room. Next I want him to tell you why he's with you, what he likes about you, and to do this he needs to tell you what he likes both on your inside, with personality etc. and on the outside, with your body. Be open, let him touch you where he's talking about if that is how he chooses for description. It might be easier than pointing, but it's not necessary, it's how he chooses to do this that matters. As he tells you what he likes about you, I want you to open yourself up to what he says as being possibly true about you. You have a low self esteem, so this is to begin re-establishing who you are, but through someone else's eyes. He says your beautiful, but you don't see yourself the same way. I want you to begin seeing yourself as being beautiful, not directly because of what he says, but by opening yourself up to seeing in yourself, what he sees in you. So with each thing he says, I want you to try to see why he sees that in you, so you may be aware and possibly accept that it is true about yourself.
I hope this helps. Let me know how this works out for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): I'm not gonna comment on him looking at naked girls. the real problem in your relationship is your mental problem, which manifests itself in an eating disorder. Let me quote you: "But i think he is starting to have enough of it...".
Trust me when i tell you that he is starting to have enough it. If you want to keep him, you must make an effort to stop acting so psychotic. Go see a psychiatrist and tell him exactly how you feel. My guess is that you are dealing with serious depression and that you need medical treatment. This would make you feel better about yourself which is great, as your insecurities are eating away of your relationship. Please get help.
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (26 August 2010):
 He loves you no matter how you look. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have been with you in the first place. You know, when a guy doesn't like a girl, he turns his back immediately on her. Most male friends told me so. I once asked one of my friends what if a cute bitch we both know is hitting on him. He said "well, I don't really care, since she's plain dumb. Her boobs are nice, but you need to TALK to her also. If I'm not interested in a girl, I ignore her the next time she's trying to make conversation with me".
Have your tried to make sport? You can eat all you want, but in return, some good sports might help. Maybe you don't have motivation and you tend to be lazy, but it can be fixed.
Try to overcome your insecurity about yourself by filling your time with constructive activities - sport, hanging out with friends, smile, anything that can get you away from the idea of self-punishing you and from telling yourself how ugly and unwanted you are.
As for your boyfriend, he's a GUY and of course he's watching porn to get himself off when he feels horny, it's only normal. My boyfriend is watching porn a lot and I don't mind, and I'm fluffy myself, and he goes "omg look at those tits" - I have quite a flat chest in relation to my body shape. I don't mind, because i know he will NEVER get to meet those girls in real life. Even if he were to, he's loyal enough to me to dump me for some plain p****es.
Also, men are more visual than we are, they take what they see, that's why they doesn't care if it's round or skinny. We, the women, judge everything, from head to toe. That's why there are so many fluffy girls who feel hopeless among these "perfection prototypes". Perfection is a different notion, depending on the individual.
Be happy :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): Not all men look at girls or porn. My boyfriend does not look at porn for 2 reasons. 1) he knows I'm uncomfortable with it. 2) he thinks its degrading to women. If it bothers you that much and he still chooses to look at it, then find someone else that doesn't. There ARE guys out there that don't. You just have to find them.
I personally think porn is a sorry excuse for horny guys to get off. If their girlfriends are fine with it then cool, but otherwise I don't think its acceptable in a relationship.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 August 2010):
 All girls are self conscious, you however are dipping into the dangerous side with your eating disorder. I had an eating disorder around 17, I was stressed, hated the way I looked and decided to starve myself to change it..Dropped down 100 pounds my junior year of high school, no guy wanted to date me because I was way too thin. Later, I found out guys like girls with curves, some meat on their bones. Mine were protruding...So your boyfriend is a stand-up guy staying with you and helping you cope through this time...Most guys would've freaked out, and not been able to deal with your insecurities. You're nitpicking at him, stop it. An eating disorder is a serious problem, you have to get help first before your relationship will get any better. Fix what is wrong with you first then, then your relationship will fix itself. If you don't, then your relationship is heading for a break-up.
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A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 hey! I really wanna help you .... and I don't think you are ugly at all so 1st of all stop telling yourself that and boost your self-esteem that is very important and what stress are you talking about is that something to do with your job ?
sometimes stress can get the best of us so don't let it ruin your life ... take it easy take a break have a lot of water its the best way to loose all the toxins in your body also have some pineapple juice that will help you rejuvenate your body meditate and do some exercise that will help you tone your mind it will make you feel beautiful ....
what is important is for you to love your self 1st coz that's when you know you can love some1 else ... you understand what i'm saying take care of you and do feel free to pm me any time i will try my best to help you in which ever way possible :)
if you are conscious about what you eat try to sketch a diet and follow it that don't mean you stop eating haha I know many girls that think diet means to stop or reduce eating :P
diet is very important to keep your mind and body in shape ... try eating vegetarian for some time and avoid oil or fried stuff, eat fruits and have milk you are a woman now you need calcium and nutrients that will make you glow :)
the fact that you are discussing this with us is proof that you care about what you feel and think so pls take care of you and think positive that will help you reduce on stress and do what you do at your best thinking "I don't have anything to loose so let me just do what makes me happy"
I hope this does help you, no1 is a bad person circumstances drive us to do things that we don't like so just be patient and believe in yourself have some faith in yourself that will help give you the confidence to get through it all I won't say it will be easy but I would say you will win some hearts putting in some effort taking care of you ... pls take care of your health and good luck keep me posted on what happens I would love to help you the best possible way I can :) bye!
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A
female
reader, T@mara +, writes (26 August 2010):
I have had the exact same issue. I'm not going to tell you to get over it, in my opinion a boyfriend should have the respect for your feelings and not look at other women, at least while you are around him. Your feelings about this issue won't just disappear though. The more attached you become to him the more you will worry about his looking at other girls. There are ways to work through this issue, they take time and it all depends on you doing the work. I am proud of you for having the courage to discuss your feelings and insecurities with him. What you can do to help stop feeling so hurt by this involves figuring out what exactly hurts you, for me it was that I thought men only viewed women as sexual objects and a boyfriend looking at another woman meant that i could not satisfy his needs. You can also try improving your self-esteem and figuring out what makes you unique. There is an awesome website I hope you will look into it http://www.essentiallifeskills.net. Please contact me if you want to, I will be around to listen to you- Tamara
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A
female
reader, kittyl305 +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Every girl is beautiful i there own way, he obviously loves the way you look or he wouldn't be with you. You need to find some pictures of your self were your body confidant and stick them round your home, looking at theses will help prove to your self that you are beautiful. He may have pictures of other girls on his phone but that's all it is a picture, your there in his life, making him happy. What would be a good idea is if you wright down how you feel and pass it on to him so then he can read it and understand you a little bit better. Your problem with food obviously doesn't effect him. just think about what you have every time you feel like your going to explode and just remind your self that you are beautiful. hope my reply gave you some guidance.
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