A
male
age
41-50,
*yau
writes:Hi allI am a dead beat dad. I admit it.Due to suffering cronic depression, I have spent almost no time with my daughter. Truthfully I dont know her all that well.She is now turned 16 and is a strong confident young woman.Mid 2014, I finally came to terms with my depression and went to see her. I bought her a diamond necklace for her birthday and sat down with her and told her the reasons I hadn't been there for her.It was a good chat, but a bit one sided. She just kinda stood there smiling at me, but not really talking. I went back the next weekend and she seemed happy, but asked that I tell her when I am coming. I asked to see her again the next week, but she said she was seeing friends.So I waited and sent her a post on facebook (this is the only way I can talk to her) saying that I was coming to visit her again the next sunday.The whole week she didn't respond, until saturday, when she asked me not to come. She said that I have never been a part of her life and that she isn't ready for me to start being a part of it now.I went anyway. She wasn't there.So I sent her an email saying that I would visit her next week.She just sent me a mail saying that she doesn't need a father and that she can cut contact any time she wants.I don't know how to respond. What do I do?If I back off, will she feel rejected all over again? Its pretty obvious that she doesn't trust me, she wont even call me dad. (which kills me)Do I just push through. Does she need that, or am I just pushing her away?I am completely confused on what to do. If it come to it, then I would rather be the one that is hurt. At least I can do one thing right by her.
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (7 January 2015):
I really like Honeypie's and Euphoric's suggestions. Like they said, you can't just show up with an explanation and a gift and expect to be welcomed with open arms after such a long time of absence. She is used to a life without you and she probably has no clue what to do with you and if she even wants you in it. But that does't mean it's too late. It just takes work and effort. And that means not pushing, but letting the contact be entirely on her terms.
What I would do is reply to her message saying that indeed, if she truly wishes to cut contact, that's her decision and you'll respect it. Tell her you realize you might have been too forward and too eager to get back into contact with her now you're better. That just because you were ill doesn't undo the fact you've not been there for her when you should have been. If it were me I'd say I don't expect her to ever forgive you for that, but that, if she's open to the idea, you'd like to maintain some form of contact, on her terms.
Ask her if it's okay to e-mail and/or message or send her letters from time to time. She can read or reply to those whenever she wants to, if she wants to, and if she doesn't, that's okay too. And if in the future, she's up for meeting up with you, you'd like that, but it's up to her. You didn't give her a choice when you left her life, so it's only fair she decides if or how she allows you back in. Make it very clear that any/all contact will be on her terms. She never had that control before, so now the situation is reversed. It'll be good for both of you to experience that.
And then maybe go with Honeypie's suggestions for the letters. Tell her things about yourself and ask questions about her. Don't turn it into an interview. Think of it as a conversation. It's a good way to get to know each other and it's an easy form of contact to maintain, as long as you are consistent.
Also, send birthday cards, christmas cards, that sort of thing. Do not shower her with lavish gifts: even if your intentions are good, to her it'll feel like you're trying to buy her affections.
If you get really harsh reactions from her, remember she's a teenager. She's very young, but at that age where she thinks she's finally got a good grasp on life, and she probably resents you for showing up now when things are going good while she needed you earlier and you weren't there. She also probably doesn't truly understand what depression does to a person. I sure didn't at that age.
If she agrees about a form of contact, be consistent in maintaining it. I'm repeating myself but I can't stress how important this is. If she's willing to give you a shot, one of the things she's going to pay attention to is whether you're consistent. She can't use a wishy washy dad who pops in and out of her life when it suits him.
Now, if she tells you she wants to cut contact, go by Euphoric's suggestion and leave your contact info anyway. If she doesn't use it, try again half a year or a year later, and ask her if she still feels the same way. You can do that through a letter or a card or something like that. That'll tell her you've kept your distance but that you're still thinking about her.
Good luck and I'm very proud of you for being able to come to terms with your depression. That's no small feat!
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 January 2015):
Dear OP,
I agree with honeypies advice.
Your daughter must have spent most of her life without you, and now you're suddenly there, wanting to see her every week and calling you dad.. no no no, that's not how this works.
She would have needed a father. And you were not there. Yes, you were chronically depressed. But it doesn't take away your daughters pain. She would have needed to hear your reasons years ago. And to be honest.. even a deep and chronic depression might not be a sufficient excuse to completely vanish out of her life. At least not in her eyes.
You need to apologize, and you need her forgiveness, that can only grow over time. And it's not enough to bring up your medical history and spend some money on jewelry.
You may have come to terms with your history and your problems, but your daughter didn't have enough time to process this. Instead, she must have been wondering all her life what's wrong with her, why her father showed such little interest.
It took you years to feel ready to start a relationship with her again. Why should it be different for her?
I don't think it's too late and I want to strongly encourage you to try and stay available to your daughter.
I think it's brave of you to face this difficulty and to meet your daughter, after such a long time. And I'm happy for you, that you got out of depression.
But it's going to be tough to get in touch with her and build some sort of parent-child relationship. It might take years until she will develop any signs of trust or affection towards you. But that should be worth it to you. It might mean that you too, will have to taste rejection, waiting for someone, missing someone. That's what she did for all her childhood. Be patient if she doesn't want to see you for some months. And don't let this drag you down into a new depressive episode, remember, at least you are trying now.
My advice would be to neither "push through" and come visiting like a desperate person or a stalker, NOR to "back off" and leave her alone.
My idea would be:
Get in contact, but she needs to be in control; the news that you want to be in touch is already overwhelming, don't overwhelm her even more.
Confirm to her that yes, she can cut contact if she wants to (and if she does want to, respect it, but leave your contact address there and emphasise how much you would really want to hear from her). Say that if she's not ready, you understand and that she has all the time in the world, because now you're here, and you'll stay.
If it would be okay that you write a mail to her, at least, every now and then? Or if there's a time that would be okay for her to meet, even if it's just in 6 months? And in your mails, it would be nice if you didn't just go on and on about yourself. Express how you are interested and curious about her, how you missed her, how you are sorry about the way that you left her alone.
I'm not an expert on this. You'll find your own way. But I believe that deep down, even though you've hurt her deeply, and she's not ready to connect with you yet, there might be a need, to eventually get to know you. After all, you are her father. So I believe that it's good to advise you not to just vanish again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 January 2015):
 I don't know how long you were gone, but maybe LET her know that it's UP to her. Let her know she can always contact you.
It might be JUST a bit overwhelming for her to have you so full on into her life all of a sudden and my guess is, she is waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to back off (again).
How about instead of showing up, you write her a letter each week? With things about you from childhood, her from childhood - things you have done in life (and not focus on the depression part, she knows THAT part).
You really can't just waltz back into her life and expect her to be fine with it. SHE is dealing with YEARS ( I presume) of feeling rejected. And I think it might be "easier" for her (for now) to NOT "deal" with you - which is what she is doing. And also why I suggest a letter (you know snail mail hand written kind).
Other then that I don't really know what to suggest.
...............................
|
