A
female
age
30-35,
*ittleMissy
writes:Hi guys wondered if you could help me.Iv lived with my boyfriend about 3 years and he is a very mixed up guy who's hurt me a lot of times. He's paranoid and jealous, has abused me emotionally very majorly, frequently tells me I'm stupid etc, physically, has slapped and pushed me around, has lied to me a few times.But my problem is this, when I decide to leave him Il just remember the sweet things he's done, the time he brought me flowers, the time he text me. We have so many good memories aswell as the bad. I'll then feel guilty for even thinking of leaving him.I guess when we first met I hadn't seen that side of him and I fell so so hard, and I can't tale those feelings away :(In reality I know I deserve better, I know it's not right, but I just can't stop loving him. I'll decide to leave then I'll think about the way he cuddles me at night and i feel like I could never love someone like that ever again.I'm at a loss, I feel I'll never be able go forget him, that however much better any guy treats me they won't make my heart feel like he did, and does. If I left him I'd feel guilty even though I know it would be better, and it's what he wants, he's told me several times he wants somebody who can do all the things I can't.I guess I'm scared of the heartbreak, and the regret that after everything Id never see him again. Why do I feel guilty when he hurts me so badly.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (9 February 2011):
You're a victim of emotional AND physical abuse in your relationship. Victims of abuse suffer many side effects from the abuse. A typical side effect is that your self-esteem gets eroded. When your self-esteem is worn down you actually feel more dependent on your abuser than ever before, despite the fact that you hurt so much from his mistreatment of you. That's one reason you feel you still can't bear to leave him.You're also emotionally drained and probably also depressed from enduring this relationship. When you're depressed your outlook on life and the world becomes narrower and so you find it impossible to envision a better life without him. Your mind is not functioning at your potential, you have tunnel vision. So you cling to the only thing you know of - him.you're holding onto one (increasingly) small part of the relationship which is when he holds you and it feels nice. But remember how that's not all there is to your relationship there's also all the hurtfulness. Abusers keep manipulate their victims into staying by still treating them lovingly and nicely some of the time...when they're not abusing you that is. The confusion this causes in you further weakens you, breaking down your resolve to leave. If the abuser was always abusive to you and never nice to you at all, it would be so much easier for you to leave...so they continue to treat you nicely and lovingly some of the time to keep you around by confusing you.Know that it's very possible to find a new relationship in the future, that will have the same moments of loving closeness and WITHOUT the abuse. Remind yourself of that. But as long as you stay with this guy, you're robbing yourself of the opportunity to find that new better healthier relationship.I think that if you left him and stay away from him for a sufficiently long time, and surrounded yourself with supportive people, eventually you will find yourself coming out of this with a new outlook and that is when you'll feel so relieved and glad that you've left him. Already you've taken the first step which is realizing and admitting that your relationship is abusive, and writing here to ask for help. (Many victims of abusive relationships never even realize or admit it.). Talk to friends and family who are supportive. Get involved in activities, stay busy, and it will help you to move on and not dwell on him.
A
female
reader, courtney24 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 you wont have any regrets in the long run if you leave this guy.. you are right you deserve better.. trust me i know its hard to leave someone you love so much, and when you do leave you will feel like there is a piece missing.. its not easy but you need to think about the future. if he is doing this now, what is it going to be like later? men with behavioral patterns like this end up really hurting their women.. you can love him all you want but your saftey is at stake.. what if you become pregnant? do you want you kids seeing him treat you like that? you need to take a step back and look at the big picture!
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (9 February 2011):
Every couple has good memories as well as bad. However, your bad memories involve physical and emotional abuse, which is NOT okay. Leave him before he ends up hurting you even more and save yourself the trouble of being in a toxic relationship. Yes, it will hurt. Maybe for a while. But stick to your friends and family and you'll be able to bounce back on your feet. Everyone always does, no matter how hopeless it may seem at first. I wish you luck. You deserve better.
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