A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've just found out that the love of my life will be moving back to my hometown in a few months.... with his fiancée!I'll have to tell you guys a little bit of our history so you'll understand the situation I'm in - right now I'm terrible unhappy and cry almost every day.So this guy, lets call him James, is a well known Casanova back home. He's in his early thirties, extremely fit and very handsome. He has a way about him that made him extremely popular with the ladies back when he was living here... You'd be hard pressed to find an attractive woman that he hasn't slept with or dated.I know that sounds terrible and it's really hard to do him justice on here so I should probably explain that he's never lied to me... or any of the other women he's been with. He's extremely honest, thoughtful and loving but he never seemed to be able to stay with one woman for more than a months or so.Anyway, we dated for a couple of weeks and I can't remember a time when I was happier. He would always do sweet things for me, buy me expensive gifts, take me out to restaurants and he made me feel really special. In the bedroom he's an extremely good lover - always telling me how beautiful I was and how he loved every inch of my body, he always made sure I climaxed before he would allow himself to do so as well. Afterwards we'd cuddle and sometimes he'd give me a massage. He asked about my hopes, dreams and aspirations. And more than anything else he made me laugh.After a few weeks our relationship ended because he was moving to London. I suppose on some level I was always hoping he would move back (he still owned his property in my hometown). We kept in contact for the first month or so after he'd moved away and when he told me he had met a Swedish girl and started a relationship with her I didn't really think too much of it... I knew he'd spend a couple of weeks with her and then go back to being single... as he always did. Not this time though. I'm not sure how or what she did but she captured him body and soul. In less than a month she had him firmly wrapped around her little finger to the point where he, for the first time ever, introduced a girlfriend to his family. All his friends were shocked when they found out that there was a woman out there that actually managed to tame him! He changed so much about himself to make her happy - he quit smoking, dropped the contact with all of the women he used to see, he stopped being flirty, never went out with the guys and he gave her his complete love and attention. We were all suspicious at first but now (two years later) they are still together. After nine months he had proposed to her (a very romantic affair from what I've been told) and they are in the midst of planning the wedding.I'll admit that I have become more or less obsessed with this woman. I check her facebook on a daily basis and every time I see new pictures of the two of them together I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I'm also constantly comparing myself to her and my self - esteem has plummeted for it!She is several years younger than me, has a great job and is studying for her PhD. But more importantly she's absolutely stunning - tall, skinny, blond hair and blue eyes... Everyone says she's a complete knockout.For some reason I've not been able to move on from my relationship with James and I've not met anyone in over two years!The knowledge that they'll be moving back here in a few months is making me feel sick. I really want to see James and if he was single I would be so happy but with her moving here as well I'll have to see the two of them together and see how much he loves her. I'll always be thinking that it could have been me!What should I do?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 I too was in your situation almost like yours about 2 and half years ago. My boyfriend of over 1 year broke up with me over some over a flimsy excuse and in less than 6 months he had married another woman. So you can imagine the humilation I had to face when his bride also won the national bride of the year competition. I was devasted, hurt and confused. As such it must be the same for you I asked myself what he saw in her, why he did not pick me. These questions my dear will not bring you anything but misery.
My first piece of advice is that you should stop asking yourself these questions because you are an individual (dont compare yourself with her) and you are wonderful just the way you are (you must tell yourself this over and over again), if James did not appreciate that, then that’s that and it does not mean there is noone out there to love you and no reason whatsoever that you cannot genuinely love another man, James just is not the one .
Secondly delete the facebook account, stop looking at their pictures, that’s like taking small doses of poison it will only depress you. Get rid of all the stuff that reminds you of him. Also take up new hobbies do something you have always wanted to do, help out in your community if you can, travel if you can afford it, take up a course in whatever interests you, join the gym (the punching bag can be a great way to vent out your frustrations - just imagine its good old James you are punching… LOL), get dressed up and hangout with your friends you must keep yourself busy, by so doing you will meet new people and eventually other wonderful guys. The secret to happiness lies within you it does not lie with someone else, you must remain positive and constantly remind yourself of this. By taking up new challenges you will discover new things about yourself and this can increase your confidence.
Whatever you do don’t try and confront James, just imagine that, that chapter of your life has been closed, don’t hold grudges just pick up the important life lessons from that. Its time you moved on, because you owe it to yourself and you deserve something more than sorrow and sadness in your life.
A
female
reader, Aunt Shelley  +, writes (11 October 2009):
your right it could of been you but there was a reason why it wasnt, YOU dESERVE BETTER!! he might not lie or steal or cheat when he is with a partner, but he obvisouly had commitment issues before, Since then he might have grown up. your find someone when your ready too. It is bound to make you upset by him and his fiancee coming back but dont let him know you are still hung up on him:) get yourself back out and start looking for a man who will do all the things that will make you feel great and then it will last forever not for a few weeks
love Aunt shelley
x
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A
female
reader, kitty_3 +, writes (11 October 2009):
 can you move away? that way, you won't have to see them. you can get a fresh start.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 October 2009):
First of all, stop checking up on her and comparing yourself to her. There's nothing wrong with you. Ultimately, this guy simply wasn't the one for you, otherwise he would have been with you. You have to stop your obsession with her. She's utterly different to you, because everyone in the world is different. She insn't any better. She's just different. Make sure you go out with your own friends, make sure you keep busy and don't contact him either. You need to allow yourself time and space to get over him, and the only way to do that is to cease all contact of all kind. Give yourself time, and you'll find yourself moving on. Lots of luck.
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