A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I don't think I want to have sex. I thought I did and I was getting ready to lose my v card soon. But every time I think about sex...I'd say ninety percent of the reason I'd have it is because the guy wants it. I know it sounds stereotypical but I really do like romance and affection more than sexual things. And I have a high sex drive and watch porn all the time, but I don't really feel like I need sex. I fantasize about kissing more than sex for some reason...So my question is, if you've already had sex do you like sex most of all or do you still like affection more? Just curious...
View related questions:
kissing, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 Preferably both together are great but it depends on what type of a person you are whether you prefer one as opposed to the other. Some people think that affection is overrated while others think that sex is. Personally though, I'd say when they coexist, that's the best there could ever be.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 Serpico, I am a woman who can separate love and sex, and let me tell you... Men are NOT good at it. They pretend to, but it's all for show. Almost all of the guys I had a casual hook-up with came coming back wanting more, and I DON'T mean just sex. They wanted exclusivity, they wanted to hold hands, they sent lovey dovey text and wanted me to meet their parents.
No, men aren't more able to separate love and sex than women are. They just fake it in order to look cool in front of other men, but in reality, 98% of all men I met on a casual hook-up (and otherwise) wanted a relationship. They would only do the hook-up as a way to get intimacy, but in reality wanted more.
I mean, even guys I just kissed or just had a date with! They'd stick around for weeks, if not months! Last time I tried to keep a no strings attached, I met him at a bar, we had NOTHING in common, I thought this guy for sure wants just sex, but what do you know? A month into it and he wants commitment and an official relationship. And for me to meet his mom.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 May 2016):
Men can almost perfectly separate sex and love, particularly when they've made no long term investment in the women. For whatever reason you want to use to explain this, woman simply have a much more difficult time doing this.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 May 2016):
Affection. Sex IS affection for most people, though. Only a very few can separate sex and love. So I don't see it as unusual or odd at all that you are currently more interested in romance. Romance comes first, kissing comes first, and then after a while you take the next step when it feels natural. When you want deeper affection, deeper kisses, more touching etc. It's just a ladder, you know? You aren't ready/interested in sex RIGHT NOW, at this very moment, because you're at the bottom of the sexual ladder. It sounds like you're not even in a relationship yet!
A one night stand with a stranger is like taking a leap up to the top of the ladder, skipping all the steps. That's not for everyone. In my experience, men and women are the exact same when it comes to this. They prefer to take a step at a time, hang out at that step until they feel comfortable with moving on to the next step. For some it takes only a few weeks, for others months if not years. But very, very few are comfortable/interested in jumping up to the very last step of the ladder right from scratch.
And in case you didn't get my ladder-theory: the first steps are kissing and romance follows all the steps leading up to sex. So if I were you, I wouldn't sweat it. You will get to that last step on the ladder in your own time, and I recommend you follow the natural steps to the top and seek out kissing and affection and romance on the way there. Preferably with a partner who you are in a monogamous and committed relationship with.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2016):
 I used to say that I wanted affection only. and it is very very inportant
but I have not had sex since October of 2014 and I miss it.
I am not having it because my husband is ill and not up for it.
Oh well. I get kisses and cuddles. but I miss sex.
since you have not had sex (and it won't be great till you are in your 30s anyway) I feel that you are putting yourself in an unfair position.
You are saying 'I don't need something i know nothing about"
watching porn is not sex. it's porn.
and lovemaking is not like porn.
when you meet the right person you will want it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2016):
 I so agree with Cindy.
You CAN have both, but many settle for less. Many people settle for FWB, F-buddies, casual relationships that focus mainly (or solely) on sex. They settle for it because they think they can rush things. Get "instant" love in a cup.
I have not had sex with ANY of my partners without affection, EVER. I wouldn't settle for anything LESS than both.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 May 2016):
 sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. the problem is boys will give love to get sex, and girls will give sex to get love.
most of the time the girl comes out on the loosing end after the boy gets what he wants. he will be off on his next quest.
you don't need to rush sex, you can loose your V card any time you choose. but you cant get it back after a bad mistake or choice of guys.
sex or affection ? to me sex is no good without affection in my marriage. it just becomes a mechanical thing to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 May 2016):
 It's difficult to " prefer " one, because it's not like you have to choose. You can have both at the same time, or in rapid succession. Couples ( not hook ups ) do not draw such a neat sharp line between the two things, one sort of spills into the other.
Intercourse can be very romantic, intimate, affectionate, AND exciting nevertheless. And / or you can start with kissing and cuddling , then begin feeling you want to turn it into more -and/ or have some nice long post coital cuddles.
I think that maybe you have watched a bit too much porn and you have trained yourself to see sex as it's shown in porn. Wild, animalistic, vigorous, often rough and brutal, and always with the subtext that's something
" naughty " and " dirty ".
So, maybe you make this instant connection sex = "strong " and dirty, romance " soft " and clean.
It's not like that, things are more nuanced IRL. With a good partner, it gets to be ... like a good cappuccino : impossible to say where the milk ends and the coffee starts...
...............................
|
