A
female
age
36-40,
*oala Bear
writes:I've been dating a gentleman for about four months. In the beginning I never doubted if he was interested or not. After all he was the one taking all of the initiative(once he got over his nerves). He's a shy type, from what I've seen. He would always look me deep in the eyes when we talk, I always had his full attention, I've met his friends, we've gone on many dates, cuddled, and talked for hours about our life goals, etc. Things changed sudden when work relocated him 800+ kilometers away. My question is this, soon after his move I sent him a letter telling him how I feel, basically a love confession letter. He NEVER replied to that message. Never addressed it. We still occasionally talk, initiated by both of us (mainly me). But none of my calls go unanswered. The only thing is, it bothers me that I have no security to go off of. He knows how I feel, but I don't have a clue what he feels. And I guess I'm too much a flake to bring it up the letter myself in our conversations. Are the signs sadly starring me in the face? Should I let this(him)go? Wouldn't most men reply to a confession letter if they were interested? If not, then they wouldn't reply and therefore wouldn't continue long distance communication as it might lead the other person on.
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female
reader, Koala Bear +, writes (19 September 2011):
Koala Bear is verified as being by the original poster of the question We are not dating now. He has moved away. I sent him this letter a couple weeks after he moved. Although our conversations are easy we have not talked about making plans to meet up......With that said it definitely looks like it's time to forget about this one. Thank you for helping me realize that the answer is apparent.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Yes it must be frustrating, but try not to be bitter about it.
Apparently, you fell in love, he did not. It happens. I don't think he went around 3 months thinking " Ok, now I am going to pursue this girl , just so that I can make her fall in love and then immediately distance myself, that will be fun ".
It's only up to you if you can live with this imbalance or not. Btw, I am a bit unclear about the situation now, are you still nonetheless officially dating , - or is he treating you just like a friend now ? Are you making plans to get together some time in future ?
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear +, writes (18 September 2011):
Koala Bear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should maybe also say that "in the beginning" means 3months prior to our four month dating period. I knew him for three months before he finally asked me out on a date. The first three months where of him flirting and me resisting until eventually I couldn't help myself.
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear +, writes (18 September 2011):
Koala Bear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see what you mean, Cindycares. Thank you all for the input. This situation is very frustrating. He recently contacted me again just to see how I was doing. This was nice but all it does is get my hopes up and thinking that he cares more than he actually does. I start thinking that he's missing me when in reality he may have just been bored and just wanting to chat a bit before bed. Physically we are valleys, trees, and miles away, but emotionally he keeps me at least an arms length away. Two very good reasons why I want to end this whole thing with him, because it isn't fair to me. This current state is comfortable for him yet emotionally trying for me. Not fair. My emotions don't just turn off like a light switch.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 September 2011):
It did not need to be a poem, or something smarmy. Just something, that for that stage or kind of relationship, felt premature/inappropriate. That may have made him want to pull the brakes on closeness a bit.
You assume that his only possible reaction could have been jumping at the chance to say " I love you too " OR cutting contacts totally in order not to lead you on.
Things are rarely so either /or. Some ( many ? ) people would feel that they are not responsible for YOUR feelings, and would try and keep the relationship at the level of intensity THEY are comfortable with .
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear +, writes (15 September 2011):
Koala Bear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were dating, never discussed commitment. I don't want to be in the "could have-should have" regretful stage either. I don't feel the conversations we have are just him being courteous. He will answer if I call. If its a bad time he'll say I'll call you back, and he does(That day). I think most men would take the initiative if he wanted to pursue an opportunity. Especially if he is given a green light. I can't imagine coming on too strong either. It wasn't a fluff filled letter. A simple letter announcing concern for the other persons entire well being since they now have a spot in your heart. It's not like it was a poem.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 September 2011):
Since all you've known him is 4 months , I guess that " in the beginning " means the first 2 or 3 months. A short time for many people to become really attached, hanging out and cuddling means "like" , not necessarily " love ". He may have assumed that you assumed too, on turn, how such a big distance was going to prevent taking this relationship to the next level, and it was going to dwindle and peter out naturally. Your love letter may haven taken him by surprise and , well, embarassed , he does not know what to say,- he does not requite your love but does not want to hurt your feelings, so he lied low hoping that his silence would be an answer in itself.
You wonder if acting this way means he's leading you on, well, maybe, don't be so surprised , he does not need to be a heartless bastard to lead somebody on- just , like many men, umcomfortable when dealing with other people's emotions.
Or / and, he may think that as long as you keep it " light" there is no need for a drastic cutting of contacts, after all it's not as if you've done him wrong, or he got to dislike you - he just does not want/ need to be involved at the level you 'd like from him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): or maybe your letter has never reached him? Maybe it is rare nowadays, but it does not mean it never happens. Maybe you wrote the wrong address. A lot of things could happen that you don't know about.
Well, this is my experience but I want to tell you. Once, there is guy that liked me, and we had gone on many dates. Then he was busy for quite a while bc of his family's problem and stop calling me. I was too proud and shy to call him first, even though I was interested in him too. And we lost our contact until we met each other later. He still like me and ask me out b4 he knows that I had dated with his friend (We soon broke up since my ex is too childish, he puts his friends first and I was his third or maybe fourth). Now, when I think about him, I just wonder what would happen if I called him first? He is a nice guy and when I saw how happy his current gf is, it makes me regret(they have dated for more than 2 years).
I just hope that you will not miss the chance to be happy just because of your shyness. Even if he rejected you through the phone, but at least you try your best. Don't make yourself regret later and keep wonder about how will it turn out if you are more brave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): oh dear. well I can think of a couple possible explanations:1) He may share your feelings but he's not ready for a serious relationship now and doens't know what to say. Maybe he's afraid of losing you altogether if he says he doesn't want a serious relationship, so he tries to avoid the subject.2) Maybe he doesn't share your feelings, but he doesn't want to hurt you by ending the relationship so he obliges you by responding when you contact him, even though he doesn't initiate the contact.I think it's obvious that he doesn't feel enthusiastic about starting a real relationship with you at this point. But that's not to say that he isn't interested in you either. I think you should talk with him about it. You should bring up the letter, not to put him on the spot but to have a conversation about where you both stand with each other. That's perfectly valid. I'm guessing that if he didn't respond to your letter it means he's feelings pretty awkward and now you're feeling awkward too. So be the first to break out of it by forcing the topic out into the open.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): Were you in a committed relationship or just dating? Did he tell you he wanted a long distance relationship with you? If not, the love confession letter was coming on too strong because it was just dating and that is why you got no response.
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