A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Would you want to know if your fiance cheated on you before he proposed...would you want to know before marrying, or would you rather remain "ignorant" if he is no longer cheating? Would you rather have honesty and a "true" relationship, or a relationship where there are lies that you are oblivious to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Funny you bring this up, because I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend, but have some very minor concerns about fidelity because of her past, which I am pretty sure spilled over into our relationship for a few months. Search "cheated early in our relationship" for the full story. We have talked about this several times, and I am sure nothing physical happened, but I know she had emotional ties to an ex boyfriend that almost resulted in her cheating on me. It has left scars, but I am pretty sure I have the full story...or enough to be sure she is loyal and committed. I have cheated before, which I am ashamed of, but it happens to the best of us. But I do believe honesty and full disclosure is vital to making a marriage work. I would want to know.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Honesty is important in relationships.
Dishonesty, as well as mistrust, eat away at you and can destroy a relationship, even ones that are otherwise good, slowly and surely like water wearing away the topsoil.
The question is "what do you want the relationship to be like" and how you will deal with it when you know.
Cheating is destructive.
Getting away with cheating is destructive.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I would not want to know.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Lets rephrase your question:
Would you rather be married to a true and honest person, or an accomplished liar.
Gosh. Let me think... I pick number one?
Ignorance is not the same as innocence. A relationship that starts with lies, I don't think that is the right start. A couple might make it work but it is still based on a lie.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I wrote extensively on this last week. Feel free to look it up.
You obviously feel that the relationship is not "true" without a full disclosure. Why would you settle for an "untrue" relationship?
One warning though. When you demand this disclosure you are committing yourself to fully forgive him for those offenses. If you can't do that then it is already over.
FA
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I agree with petina1 - you need to think about what you would do if the answer was yes, he had been cheating. Would you want to end the relationship? Would it change the way you feel about him? Would you be able to forgive him and learn to trust him again? How would it affect your relationship?
If it would be a complete deal breaker for you and you could not marry him after finding such a thing out then really you need to be sure if he had been cheating or not, because if he had and you didnt know, it would be like you are being conned into marriage without all the facts.
But if it would not affect your relationship too much (based on the fact that he no longer shows any signs that he is cheating and you think he has stopped) then what good would knowing do? What would it acheieve?
If it were me, and I questioned that my fiance had been cheating in the past, but I was sure he had stopped and was no longer acting suspiciously, then I would not want to know. If I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and I was sure he had changed since the cheating incident - then ignorance would be bliss.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Honesty and a true relationship above all else. Without honesty, you dont really have much. And if i found out someone had cheated on me before proposing, id politely turn down the proposal, figuring that if he had really been THAT into me, he would never have cheated on me. Cheating requires lying and doing things behind your partners back that you know will hurt them. Sorry, but who wants a marriage to someone who has treated you like that? Never make someone a priority, if you are just one of their options x
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (4 October 2010):
 If he told you the truth would it affect your relationship? some things are best left unsaid. You will be able to spot the signs if there is any more secrecy in your marriage. Sometimes people play the field a bit in different ways until they find out what they really want. It could be just a case of past mistakes not to be made again once a true committment is made. If people are getting up to no good it can show in other aspects of their lives for eg. they would not be honest about other things either. If you don't know whether to trust your man then don't marry him until you feel that you can trust him or you could be heading for trouble.
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