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age
51-59,
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writes: Hello. I'm just trying to get some advice here.My girlfriend unexpectedly broke up - by text - last week. Her reasons were that she needed to concentrate on studies (she started University last week) and family, and that she felt I wouldn't support her - as it would mean seeing less of each other.We were going out for ~18 months. We live apart, and are both divorced with kids (her three live with her).A similar issue between us cropped up when she was completing college in June this year - and we very neasrly split up. I confess that I *was* being too emotionally selfish/needy then, and since backed off. We had a good summer together. Now this...I don't think she believes that I genuinely do appreciate her position, and would have willingly given her more space if she'd allowed us to talk. Over summer, we'd talked a few times about how we could keep things going, but last weekend (2 days before The Text) she announced that she couldn't do that. I was dissappointed, and it must have showed. I guess she took that as me being smothering.I'm trying to accept that it's over, and move on. She's a stubborn person, and is unlikely to change her mind. She may also have had other reasons for breaking up, such as wanting to be 'free' to explore other options (not now, but later), or perhaps there's already someone else lined up...?Anyway, I've not replied to her "let's end it now" text, or contacted her at all since then. It's been 5 days so far. But, because "hope springs eternal", part of me wants to get back with her one day. So, my question is, do I continue going 'no contact'...... forever, and just accept that it's over?... for the next few weeks, and hope that she'll contact me?... for the next few weeks, and then drop her a friendly message to ask how she is and to wish her well?Thanks,DR
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broke up, divorce, move on, split up, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot a lot I can do about my situation. She hasn't changed her mind in 2 weeks, and showed no sign of being prepared to discuss things.
No point in hoping that she'll realise her mistake and get in touch one day. She's not that sort of person.
I'm guessing you and your b/f are quite a bit younger. He might not know what he wants in life yet (including you!).
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female
reader, Lovehim4eva  +, writes (9 October 2010):
I agree with the last thing u said. I know its me and i guesd me and college and other stuff got just abit too much he also said wed of hardly seen eachother in 3 months anyway. I was using another mobile to see if hed answer and he ssid im looking for a realationship not sex i was thinking he said that cos he did it with me, i also know i could of done alot more to prevent this from happening. But after everything we have been through together i really cant tell how he can just click and be different. So is it really over for u? Theres nothing at sll u csn do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLovehim4eva, that's a brutal breakup. Seems like more might being going on than just your b/f going to college if you're getting mysterious calls.
Going to college/university is a big step for people, and it's fair enough that they may want to focus on this. But it doesn't say much about how important their (ex) was if they just drop them like a used tissue...
In my story, things got even worse between my g/f and I, with her sending a vile text (ending with the line "let's not text each other any more; it's not a form of communication" (ironic coming from the person who dumped me by text!). I did call her back, and she was less hostile, but adamant on her decison. No substantial reason given, just picking up small incidents such as me looking bored once when she was telling me about something related to university.
I guess I'll never know whether I could have avoided this, and not lost the 'love of my life'.
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female
reader, Lovehim4eva +, writes (9 October 2010):
I feel i have a very same problem to urs. First my advice is no contact to just let her do wot she wanted. Take it from me that feel doing uni has changed her. My bf had just started college everything was going well i told him that going college will make us hardly see eachother. He texted saying its not working rang me say im glad i dumped u then hung up. I went over to see him but that was no good. Im really wishing he and ur gf never started yo study of couse we know its what they want but when ur in a realationshil then dont they understand how u feel? They feel that because of how u feel that ur just gonna let them down. Well ur lucky becausr my bf/ex wont answer me and sum person has been phonibg me and leavibf nasty voicemail a few days after it happened so id not mind if u have any advice for me mine just is to let her be leave it for a goid month maybe let it all simmer down then act. This is advice id lime but wot act could i do? Im willing to jump in a river in front of hkm to prove how much he means to me take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, after a week of uncertainty and silence I cracked and sent her a message. A non-threatening one to ask whether she intended this as permamant or temporary break, and that if she just needs space she has my support and loyalty etc. (I did add that "I know you wouldn't just end it by text...")
Breaking NC might have been the wrong move, but I need to know either way so I can move on.
Anyway, she replied, apologised for being distant, that she's struggling to cope, and that we do need to "thrash out some issues". She suggested meeting for a coffee on Friday.
Luckily, I'm busy on Friday and won't have time until next week. Not just because I don't want to seem too keen, but I still need to clear my head and decide whether *I* want to carry on. It feels as though the bond has been broken...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKenj, yes I feel that way too.
It's one of the reasons this has hit me so hard, to be honest. It feels like a complete betrayal of everything we had. Everything she claimed to feel for me. I know I was probably hard work sometimes, but nothing I did/said justified this callous jettisoning of me from her life...
And I'd like her to know this too. Not in a "boo hoo, you hurt me!" kind of way, but a message along the lines of:
"Based on the fact that you chose to end this relationship by TEXT MESSAGE, I completely agree that it has no future. If your reasons for breaking up were genuine, and you had any regard for me whatsoever, then you would have told me face to face. Even a phone call would have shown a degree of consideration."
Petty perhaps, but maybe she NEEDS to hear it...
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male
reader, Kenj +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Look at it this way.
If her reasons were genuine and she thought anything of you then she would have arranged a meeting and told you face to face.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Isn't technology great? People used to have to break up in person, having to see their former lover's heartache in their eyes. Then came the phone, where you don't have to see their face, but you could still hear things hitting the walls, or the swear words. Then the answering machine, where you could just leave a voice message, then listen for two weeks of "Are you there?" "Please pick up." Today with the text message, breaking up has never been easier.
Anyone needing to take the easy way out of something as serious as a relationship is not worth your time. Better she breaks up with you over text than divorces you over text.
For the "lols" you should totally call her back and say, "My cell has been giving me issues, your texts have been breaking up on me." Just kidding, don't do that. Pretend she never existed and find someone who isn't a wuss.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I think anyone who breaks up using a text message is a cowardly bitch/bastard. Whatever happened to good manners?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.
anonymous, you may be right. In fact, she may have already interpreted my silence as indifference and that I really *don't* give a damn.
But my gut instruct (and pride!) tells me that Kenj/eyeswideopen are right: continued NC is the way to go.
Her text was quite direct, and she expressed her wish to break up in three different ways (I need a break..., best to end it now..., can't offer any more than friendship at the moment...).
Such a brutal message gives little opportunity to reply without sounding pleading/begging. Plus, it might give her the idea that it's okay to just dump someone with a heartless text.
On the other hand, it would be a shame if we permanently split over a potential miscommunication (assuming I take her reasons at face value). At least waiting a few weeks then sending a friendly message would be a low-pressure way to create a window for working things out.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2010):
Let her contact you. She's a big girl, if she wants to talk to you, she will. Be strong and go about your business. Good luck Buddy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): i don't really feel no contact works with women. sometimes we just want to know you will be there. i think in this case you need contact her immediately and say that you are going to be there for her and sorry you didnt call sooner
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male
reader, Kenj +, writes (4 October 2010):
Sorry to hear that. Personally the no-contact is the best option to take.
It can go one of 2 ways she will either miss you and contact you back or move on.
Make it look like you dont need her, go out, carry on with your on life. Even go dating again.
Dont wait forever for this woman, if she doesnt contact you after a few months then accept it and move on and find someone who appreciates you more.
Hope it works out.
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