A
female
age
51-59,
*rench woman
writes:We married 23 years and have 3 lovely children. He is 56 and me 43. I am a teacher at school and I am a nice woman. We have a happy marriage and he never intended to leave me. We are French and live in US. One day I found out he cheated on me with an Asian in other side of the world. He told me he love that girl very much, she is very lovely and nice woman. He spent a lot of time to built relationship with her and flew there to make love with her. He got caught and he felt very guilty. He promised stop all the contacts with her and wanted me give him a chance. I also found out before this girl he had sex with other girl too but I have no real proof. He had very well calculated plan to cheat on me. He went to dating site. Chated with many women there and chosen one of them to built relationship. He flew there several times there to meet her.He always said to me: I love you so much. But he cheated on me with wonderful plan. He think if he had a mistress in other country, he will never be caught.I still love him and do not want to divorce. May be I will give him a second chance. I am afraid of to be alone. Do you think cheater will repent and stop hurting others if I give him a second chance?I spent more than a haft of my life with him and have past and children with him. I do not know how to face him, very difficult.If you were me you can forgive a cheater? Do you think cheater will repent and stop hurting others? If I stay with him I feel very misserable and can not trust in him. If I leave I do not know if I can find a honest man?
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cheated on me, divorce, I love you, mistress Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 October 2009):
Miss french lady, this guy doens't love you. He's using you as the doormat when he comes home. I know that sounds harsh, but you really do deserve someone better. A man can't give all his heart to two women. One gets it, the other doesn't.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 DID he choose you? I thought, by what you wrote, that it was the other woman who contacted you after SHE dumped him. It seems to me that SHE made the choice for him.
I am sure he cares for you, and it's possible he loves you, but I doubt he loves you nearly as much as you love him.
So.. again... we are back to you asking yourself hard questions. Can you live with that AND knowing he will continue to cheat?
It's hard to hear that. It's harder to accept that it can be true. I get that. I'm sorry to be blunt with such discouraging news.
I repeat my advice to look at your relationship with him and your fears of being alone as separate issues. You can gain control of this situation, if you want to.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): the saying once a cheater always a cheater rings true all the same. in your hb's case this hits it on the head. he will never change. he will only continue to hurt the people closest to him - meaning his wife and his kids.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Dear French Woman
You say that you have three beautiful children (as do I). When you had your second child did you love the first one any less? When you had the third was your love for the first two diminished in any way? I think not.
You have, in the past, loved your husband with all your heart. Can you conceive that it is possible that, should you leave him, that you might in the future find another man that you could love with equal passion? You don't know that you would but I imagine that you could conceive it.
Love is not a number that is subject to the rules of mathematics, of division and multiplication. Love that is split between two or more subjects is not love divided. If you can conceive of loving two men with your "whole heart and soul" at different points in time why should it be impossible to love two people at the same time?
Of course, of course, you may decide that you cannot live with your husband's behavior - it is certainly unacceptable within the rules of this society but do not think that because he loves his mistress he does not also love you. This, I know to be true.
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A
female
reader, French woman +, writes (1 October 2009):
French woman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy problem is my husband really loved that girl, but he does not want to divorce me. He said our marriage is too cool and that girl love him very much and very affectionate. His mistress after knowing he married, she did not want him neither. She broke up with him. She was the one let me knew the truth and proofs of my husband affair. He did not fly there only for sex. He loved her. Even he stay with me, just because of the kids, but his heart is belong to her.
He chose me and stay with me. Man can love 2 women at the same time?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 September 2009):
I think it's possible with enough work to forgive a cheater once. But he's cheated more than once, so he won't change. Don't be a doormat in an unhappy marriage. Go to a counsellor, talk and see whether you really want this marriage to continue. Personally, I think you'd be better off if you left this guy and found another guy who would treat you with far more respect.
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A
male
reader, called Steve +, writes (30 September 2009):
 Whether you can forgive and forget is irrelevant...
Do you want to forgive - truly? If so, you will... eventually. It wont be an overnight thing - it'll keep ressurecting itself for years... do you want to, or can you deal with that?
Those are the questions you need to sit down and ask yourself.
Steve
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (30 September 2009):
It is tempting to psychoanalyze this man and your marriage, but from an outsider's perspective, with such limited information, it is unlikely we will be accurate, or that we will have any revelations new to you.
To answer your question: I do NOT think he will stop cheating... unless he thinks he may have lost you (you are leaving or have left or forced him to leave) and even that may not work.
As human beings, we get caught up in asking ourselves pointless questions. Will he stop? Why does he do it? These are pointless questions because we only have control over our own behaviour and happiness, so trying to wrap our minds around their feelings and behaviours waste valuable energy and time.
In my humble opinion, the IMPORTANT questions are: Can you live trust for your husband and take extra steps to either a) monitor his behaviour or b) turn a blind eye and pretend not to know? Are you happy as things are now? If he DID stop cheating, can you move on? How long will it take for him to rebuild your trust and what will he have to do? Is this relationship worth the effort? If he fails to rebuild your trust, what will you do?
He didn't just fly across the world to have sex with someone. By his own admission, he developed a loving and emotional relationship with her. Is that forgivable to you? Can he “make that up to you”?
You have a LOT of hard thinking ahead of you. I suggest taking it one step at a time. Deal with your fear of being alone and fear you will not meet someone else, later. Answer the above questions first and take it from there. They are SEPARATE issues.
Do not let those fears affect how you will handle this situation, or you may be giving him a passport to keep cheating. By that I mean you’ll show him that it’s ok to cheat on you because “you are too afraid to take any real action to avoid being hurt by his infidelity. You will make yourself helpless and as a by-product, more unhappy.
Pretend those fears are not an issue when considering your next step. If you do this, I believe the path that feels right for you in dealing with your husband will become clearer. Once you have those answers, you can then work on the second two. Feel free to come here for more advice when you’re ready. There are plenty here who’ve dealt with that already and can help!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj +, writes (30 September 2009):
You say that he "had a very well calculated plan to cheat on me". I don't think that was the case. He had a plan and yes, that plan involved him breaking his promises to you but I'm sure that what was in his mind at the time he began this and thereafter was not directed at you - it was not a plan to cheat on you. He did not do this because of you or because of anything that you have done or with any intention to cause you pain. He did what he did in order to inject some excitement into his life and to make a little bit of fantasy real. He thought that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" he thought that it was a "victimless crime". The damage that he has done and the pain that he has caused you are very real but they were by-products of his thoughtlessness and not his purpose.
Does he treat you well and with love when he is with you?
Sadly, I think it unlikely that a man who has had this kind of affair can ever be completely "cured". It is knowledge that cannot be unlearned. You can try to restrict his opportunities - for example no more business trips to Asia - but the thought will be in his mind until old age robs him of the capability.
Which hurts more, the fact that he is having sex with someone else or the fact that he is not being open with you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Whether you can forgive or not, but I dont think that you will ever forget!
After I caught my hb having an affair I wanted to file for divorce, he begged me not to.. eventhough he would not admit he had been having an affair. Well it has been hard going, and I have been to counselling [alone] as he doesnt believe in counselling.
I will admit he has been trying hard to make our marriage work, however, I have explained to him that if he wants her he must go, because I will not fight for him....!
This has kind of shocked him into realising that he cannot have his cake and eat it.
From my side, I am still coming to terms with what he did, and to be totally honest, I dont know if my marriage is going to last. At the moment it is going well, then one of the OW's friends will phone with some stupid reason, and then I can feel my world starting to teeter again.
It is very hard to come to terms with your hb who has declared undying love, having sex with someone else. It shows that he has no respect for you, and if thats the way that hes going to show his love to you, by cheating, he is really not worth knowing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): I could not forgive this man as it is not just a superficial, one off affair. It seems to me that you will not change him as his actions were pre-meditated. I understand that you have been with him a very long time and it is scary to think about going it alone but if you cannot turn a blind eye to his extra marital affairs you may need to consider leaving him. Please dont sacrifice your own sanity for your husband. Go to marriage councelling first and see if you can find a way forward. Good luck!
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