A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My first love is 46, we've been seeing each other for a year now and we're both complete opposites but get on so well. We've cried together laughed together and he waited 4 months before we had sex. If you didn't know anything about the people and you saw a 46 year old man and a 17 year old girl holding hands or kissing in public how would you react?? I ask this because we keep it behind closed doors and at his house, I know he wants me to kiss him in public and be proud and I am but I just feel too judged (also my parents don't know).
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Because a woman his age would be much more discriminating and challenging, and much less gullible and easy to impress than a teenager.
If you, 46 y.o. man, want to charm a grown up woman, have got to work much harder- with the young ones you've got much easier game, due to their lack of life experience.
You can utter some platitude that you've just read on Reader's Digest , and she will say : Wow! Deep.
Sexually, she will have few, or even zero, terms of comparison, and anyway she will assume that you are the one who knows how things have to be done, and if sex is not that great, she will assume it's HER fault. She will learn fast how to please you- rather than expecting you to learn fast how to please her.
At 17, she won't have had time yet to do extensive reading, or to travel to a lot of places, or to earn a lot of money ( just to name 3 random fields of experience ) so anything you mention about that will sound more important and impressive than it really , and your accomplishments will sound magnified.
Also, with a fully adult woman the question of committment will pop up , sooner or later. After 6 or 9 or 12 months, she will want to know where do you see the relationship going, if you consider living together, or having kids or whatnot.
With a 17 y.o. you can delay this moment of truth for quite a few years and just live happily strolling hands in hands in the carefree present.
I don't say this is set in stone, -like in everything under the sun, probably there are exceptions. You might very well be an unusual teenager with more emotional maturity, social savvy,and sexual awareness than normally goes with your age, - but you asked something in general and my reply is for general cases.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): It's one thing to get a gf who is younger than you if they are more or less on the "same page" in life, ie. job, own place, car, maybe education, some relationship and sexual experience.
But you two are entirely different in these respects and it seems like the only thing you have in common is sex. I don't know if you have A-levels yet, let alone higher education, a job, car, etc. I imagine you still live at home with your mum and dad. You are not independent of your parents in the slightest. On the other hand this guy is probably totally independent.
You are going from being dependent on your parents to being dependent on this guy, and he probably realises this. It's one thing to get a younger girlfriend who has an income and her own life; it's another to get a gf who lives at home with her parents, is still at school and has no experience of independent living.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't see why being able to get a woman your own age is of more merit than getting one of a different age?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): I'd smile, actually, because I'd know there are other people out there like me!
Dated a 47 y.o when I was 18 for 3 years; engaged... it was all good until we split up. AND we didn't split up because of the age difference AT ALL. It was just a difference in our personalities etc.
So I think it can work. I'm from the UK so 17 is legal. Wouldn't bother me.
Am with WONDERFUL older man now (I'm 22) We're very much in love. I don't stress about if it's going to work out - if it does, it does. Realistically, I'm 22. Nothing lasts forever, so I'm doing all my living for the moment.
F--k society. Live the life that you want to live. I'd rather regret something I did than something I didn't do.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 The fact that you pursued him and he responded is even sadder on his part.
Deep down, you know there's something wrong with this picture. If it wasn't, you'd tell your parents.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Just wish you would tell your folks, and if they meet him and they don't mind, you'll feel more confident with your relationship. It won't hurt as much about what stranger's say if you know your supported at home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs a reply to cindycares I've never ever been attracted to guys my own age, I sort of wish I was!! But I have a thing for older men and it seems only older men. I think I should add to make sure you know I was the one who approached him and asked him for a relationship.
Thanks for your honesty I guess it's staying indoors!!
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A
female
reader, swordandredrose +, writes (4 September 2010):
I am a 19 year old who only falls for men 45+ but I have to admit that even though I am like that I would still think that you are looking for a sugar daddy or something. It's just the society. But I guess you shouldn't care what "the public" thinks about you. Live for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 September 2010):
My father was 30 years older than my mother and their relationship worked--for him. He got a young, attractive, financially dependent and impressionable wife. In exchange, she got a mature, financially stable man who expected her to act like a woman from his generation and used her lack of life experience to control her. Not to say that this is the case in every marriage with a large age gap, but I think the motivations of the older party definitely require some investigation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 September 2010):
Yes,personally I don't think it can work. Ever?...
Well, never say never,..but the odds are massively against you.
As for "socially retarded ", I am not sure to understand what exactly you mean by that.
But, now that you make me think of it, I know that there are rural areas of India, Pakistan, Afghanistan where marriage between a child bride your age and younger and a man 30 or 40 years her senior is socially acceptable, and, if the spouse is rich, even highly desirable.
I think that what is good for tribal culture is not good for modern Western culture.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 September 2010):
I'd think he was exploiting you and that you probably had a low self-esteem or daddy issues. As far as the relationship working, I'd worry about your lack of life experience and that you were getting in over your head.
If you think this relationship is appropriate, why won't you come clean with your parents?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo you would never think it could work/was working? You'd think we must be socially retarded or something?
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 September 2010):
I'd wonder what kind of parents would allow their teenage daughter to be with a man this old.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 September 2010):
I'd be sad. I'd think : what a waste. Here it is a young pretty girl of 17 ,who could kiss all the hot handsome charming young boys she wants... and instead she chooses to share her kisses with some flabby 46 y.o. male with tufts of grey hair in his nostrils. Eeeeww.
( Now, uncles in your 40s,50s and over.please don't go berserk. Don't start with : I am 55 and I am a marathone runner- I am 58 and I am still hotter than George Clooney etc.etc. I know,I know ! I was making it a bit colourful just to stress my point. Which basically is : if you are 46 and like to indulge in public ( or worse,private ) displays of affection with a minor, then you are morally flabby !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): I'd think it was a little strange, but then I'd think 'Fuck it, it's none of my business anyway and whatever floats your boat.'
You are of legal age for the U.K. so whether your parents agree or like it, is irrelevant because there shit all anyone can do about it.
If you two wanna bump uglies and stuff, then who the hell is anyone else to judge? If you are happy, I wish you well.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Oceano +, writes (4 September 2010):
 I'd find that a bit weird.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 September 2010):
I'd be sorry for your parents, especially your mother. No mother expects her daughter to find a partner so old. If you can't tell them about your relationship, then you make your relationship seem grubby and dirty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): i would think they are happy then everyone is. i always went for older guys and am proud of it, who can judge you? if he makes you happy good luck
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 I'd vomit a little bit in my mouth, swallow and keep walking.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): 30 years is a gross age gap whatever the age.
When you were 0 he was 30. When you are 20 he will be 50, when you are 50 he will be 80. Its NEVER going to look right. But there is no point in telling you what we all know. These relationships rarely last, you don't have enough life experience to know all these things but of course you will learn. Have your fun for now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I would think he has a problem if he has to resort to dating schoolgirls who are 30 years younger than him. I would think you are naive and glad of the attention and don't really know what you are getting yourself into.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 I'd figure he'd have to be pretty rich.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Well if I saw you holding hands my first thought is gross. My second thought is maybe he's a relative and you like to hold hand which is still weird anyway but a little bit more acceptable. If I saw you kiss I would shake my head. I know you feel like an adult but him "dating" you is just him "preying" on you. You're just an easy target for him. I know you think you love him or whatever, but there is nothing right about the situation your in right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): First off, even though you're at the legal age of consent, people will think you're younger than that, and that's one problem. Another is that people will think he's a pervert for going after a girl so young and wonder why he couldn't get a woman his age. There will be lots of reactions, mostly negative, and that's not really going to end, unless you wait until you're older before you go public. That would take years. So it's really about you and your level of comfort. There will always be people criticizing you but its your choice to either ignore them or take what they say to heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I would think what a Pervy man and naive girl, he really hit the jackpot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I would think there was something wrong with that picture...i would take another look to see if it was my father in law....
Never be with someone that you have to hide from your parents and the rest of the world no matter how wonderful of a person they are.
Test it with your family. If they accept him, move on from there...if they dont, you should stop this relationship. mal
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