A
female
age
36-40,
*cegal
writes:If someone expects you to change for him, is it love?If you love someone will you change for him?My boyfriend and I have been in disagreement recently. He expects me to understand his religion so that I can understand why he is a vegetarian and why he goes for religions practices so frequently. He hopes for me to convert and to be a vegetarian in the future if we were to get married. I thought that was a bit disrespectful and insulting, its appears to be saying his religion is the ultimate truth. I am a free thinker. I did read up on his religion and understand it just that I do not agree with some of the beliefs. So I told him, if you really love someone you will not expect him/her to change for you. I asked him, how would you feel if you put yourself in my shoes. Yet his reply was if he really loves someone, he will change for her. I mean, this statement is not wrong too. But it depends on how drastic the change is and if the person is ok with the change. I just kept quiet, I don't think I can argue anymore on this. The religion in him is too strong.What is your view on this and what would your reply be?How else to compromise on this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, grymsoul  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 Cerberus beat me to it.
He contradicted himself with that statement. It's either he was trying to guilt you into changing or he simply doesn't love you.
But all in all, I would change if the change wasn't too drastic or unappealing. I've tried out new things because of lovers in the past. It was sort of a new adventure to take on. Although, I was open-minded and willing to try. I wouldn't recommend it if you're really against it. But really, what do you have to lose? Try it for a few weeks. If you really don't like it then you're always free to back out.
Changing for someone you love is never ok if you're not comfortable with it. But experiencing something new with them could be an adventure. Depends on your point of view.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): "Yet his reply was if he really loves someone, he will change for her."
I guess he doesn't really love you then since he's not willing to change for you. Simple.
I'd tell him to piss off and take big fat bite out of a burger.
Because the above statement is a complete lie and he's a hypocrite. He's only saying that to guilt you because it's not true.
Look OP religion is a fundamental part of some peoples identities, he's one of these people and he only sees a future with someone of the same religion. So you either do it or you're not good enough for him.
OP is his religion the Burka wearing kind? Because if it is he's not supposed to be with a non-believer at all and he's breaking some very basic tenets of the religion by being with you.
I wouldn't change myself for anyone. They can love me or they can leave me. I am who I am, by wanting to change me you tell me I'm not good enough. That's not love.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 If he thinks that one should change for the person they love, why doesn't he turn into a free thinker like you or start eating meat? Why doesn't he practise what he preaches? Big red flag in my opinion. He has too many double standards. Think carefully before abandoning your identity and sense of self. Is it love when someone doesn't accept you for who you are?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2012):
 I would only change if it was something I could stand behind and that I would be comfortable with. Otherwise it would feel fake to me. You can't just pretend to be something you are not, at least not long tern and not with honesty.
For some religion is so fundamental that it is a HUGE part of WHO you are. So for ME, I couldn't be with someone who couldn't accept and respect that I have MY views and beliefs.
MUTUAL respect is essential for me.
I did date a Christian for a while and ended it because it became to smothering with his constant pressure to try and "fix" me. (as he put it). I'm perfectly fine the way I am, I don't need "saving" or "purification". One thing is trying to show you what he believes another is trying to convince you that you HAVE to be like him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): "If someone expects you to change for him, is it love?"
No, he/she should love you for the person you are, not the person he/she wants you to be.
"If you love someone will you change for him?"
I wouldn't love anyone who expects me to change. He/she should love me for the person I am, not the person he/she wants me to be.
" . . . his reply was if he really loves someone, he will change for her."
If she really loves him, he wouldn't have to change. She would love him for the person he is.
"How else to compromise on this?"
No compromise. His religion is HIS ultimate truth, nobody else's. If he can't practice his religion without allowing for and respecting your religious differences, then it's a deal-breaker. If he's going to twist everything you say around to his point of view, then no point continuing. Cut your losses and break up.
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A
female
reader, Icegal +, writes (26 May 2012):
Icegal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it depends on how staunch the person is. I think if both parties are not that staunch, the relationship will not have any conflicts even if both are of different religion. But if one is very religious, it is impossible for them to accommodate their partner who doesn't believe in what they believe in.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 As Aunty Bim Bim says, it's a fine line.
I think it's normal and not disrespectful to want to expose you to his religion in the not so secret hope you may " take " to it.
If you strongly believed in something, a religious or political faith etc., and you are convinced that it is good for you- and for the rest of humanity , it's natural that you'd like your dearest and nearest to understand your beliefs, and possibly appreciate them and share them. In their benefit, not yours.
After all, it's not that different than strongly recommend them your favourite hair stylist that 's a wizard with scissors, or your favourite restaurant which serves fantastic cuisisne.
So I think you should not resent your bf for tring to get you involved in HIS religion.
BUT, you can take the horse to the water but you can't make him drink.And we need to respect the fact that our partners are ( hopefully ) intelligent, meture, grown u adults, and perfectly able, once they are in possess of all the informations, to make their own decisions , particularly about spiritual, moral, intellectual issues. In other words, it's surely ok to plant the seed, it's not ok to force it to grow.
To be a little more specific about your question : well, his is clearly a very very weak argument. " If you loved me, you'd change for me "- to which you could promptly reply " and if YOU loved me, YOU would change for me ".
It's a pity in a way that you don't follow the same religion because this is always a potential source of complications, but- why should you change your religion for love ? why does not he change HIS religion for love ?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 This is a grey area, do you love them as they are now, or do you love the potential person they may become.
Does your boyfriend love you as you are, non vegetarian, non religious and a free thinker or does he love the person you may become (he hopes) when you change who you currently are and become vegetarian and follow his religion. What if you change to make him happy and those changes make you unhappy? Is there value in that. Would he still love you if you followed his religion and became a vegetarian and were unhappy? Or would he prefer you to be happy and the person you were before you changed, ie the person you are now?
If I loved somebody, I would love the person they are now. To say you love somebody but still be expecting them to make such radical changes, to who they are, as religion is not love.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMacassar  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 9 times out of 10 when someone expects you to change for them, it is not love. They also tend to keep demanding changes of you. In extreme cases, they make you into someone other than yourself.
Religion is deeply personal, and shouln't be compromised, in my opinion, other than accepting different religions of others.
Disagreement on religion in relationships is very fundamental, and usually those relationships do not work. Do not change religions unless you feel it is truly right for you. Changing something soley for someone else usually makes mass resentment.
What if you change this for him, you guys get married, then one day you realise you just can't anymore?
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