A
female
age
30-35,
*roofroo22
writes:I met a great guy over a month or so ago and I blew it from the very beginning. I made a mistake by not respecting myself enough and made myself look like a low-value woman in his eyes by my actions and choices. I guess I didn't even realize my mistake until much much later. And when I did realize it, I ended up trying to fix it over a period of a month, thinking things would be better. However, it didn't. I take total responsibility for the outcome and the damage has been done, unfortunately.He recently started dating a wonderful girl, she seems amazing. He's even introduced her to his friends and family (saw it on IG). Yes, of course I learned from this mistake, however, I can't help but to cry and blame myself every time I look at his pictures. I look at them and think "Wow, I could have been with him if I didn't do ____, ____ and ____. I could have been the girl in this picture with him getting this attention and affection; this real genuine interest from him." Wish I could go back in time.I'M AFRAID I WON'T LIKE ANYONE AS MUCH AS I LIKE HIMWill God or the universe send the right person(s) your way without you being prepared?I don't want to describe exactly what happened, as I just want you guys to focus on the main questions which are: If you find yourself having messed up badly, how can you stop beating yourself up? and will God or the universe send the right person(s) your way without you being prepared?Please help, I can't seem to come out of this funk and my energy has run low from all this sadness. I really liked him...
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 November 2016):
 Well if you had such strong feelings for him to begin with then you would not have messed it up. It could also be that you two where not meant to be, but you are blaming yourself and putting yourself down.
No matter what way you look at it he is not yours anymore and you need to accept it. Learn from your mistakes so you don't make them again. Stop looking him up on Instagram and move on with your life. Also remember that we all do make mistakes in life. Nobody is perfect.
We are not sent a partner because if we where surely everyone would be loved up. Yes someone more than likely will come along and you will be happy once more.
A
female
reader, Soup1129 +, writes (3 November 2016):
I know how you feel, we all make mistakes. I'd try to look at the bright side-whatever is meant to be will be. Maybe he wasn't the one for you and yeah I'm sure he seemed like a great guy but maybe his true colors hadn't come out yet?? Again, no one is perfect. Just try not to make the same mistake again in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016): Oh god, I've been there! It's the worst isn't it? Feeling like you lost something great because of something you did. Mine was over a period of 6 months where he just became more & more distant & I had gotten so used to blaming myself for everything wrong. Sad isn't it? I wish someone shook some sense into me at the time. Have faith though. Give it time & you'll heal. Remember something better is always around the corner. You just have to look for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016): Your remorse is your proof to the Almighty and the universe that you are sorry for what you did. You prove it and redeem yourself by doing your best never to do that to yourself, or anyone else, again. If you can humanly avoid it. People make mistakes.
He was not meant for you, nor you for him. As things turned out, he came your way to show you what you could have if you did the right thing. God sends us previews of blessings to inspire us. You received the consequences for what you did, not as divine punishment; but as a lesson in life. You reap what you sow. You need to learn compassion and empathy, that is done through suffering. You learn not to inflict pain by knowing what it feels like.
God doesn't stop blessing, He loves blessing us whether we deserve it or not. If you want a good man, you have to offer him what you expect from him. Love, trust, and respect. You owe yourself all these things as well. Don't worry whether God will forgive you. If you sincerely request His forgiveness, it is given. All you have to do from there is forgive yourself, my dear. You're only human.
I would recommend that you stop punishing yourself by following him on social media. That is self-inflicted torture and totally unnecessary. It serves no purpose, and you're just being nosy. Delete him from both your social contacts and from memory. He belongs to someone else. In time, when destiny and timing permits, you'll find someone good as well. Everyone gets that chance. Sooner or later.
We get plenty of chances in life to right our wrongs. We are given an entire life-time to find love, and it may happen many times over with different people. You're not even 30 yet! You will go through trials and tribulations in preparation for life and all future blessings to be received. You need a series of experiences over a lifetime to develop tools of survival. Life is an obstacle course. You get reward from overcoming a challenge. So you'll live through this one. You now know what not to do, and you've faced the consequences of your actions.
No need to agonize or be a drama-queen over one guy, or the past. What's done is done, and you've admitted you're sorry. Now go forward.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (2 November 2016):
Speaking of GOD...Look at the lesson he just thought you.
"I made a mistake by not respecting myself enough and made myself look like a low-value woman in his eyes by my actions and choices. "
So now you know what NOT to do when you meet Mr. Right.
Making a mistake is easy...Learning from it is hard. However, you seem to have learnt, and understand where you went wrong...GOOD. :)
"Will God or the universe send the right person(s) your way without you being prepared?"
GOD will send you two types of people in your life, depending on how you live yours. Live it right...and he sends you people that love and respect you. Live it wrong...he will send you people that will hurt you, take advantage of you, and disrespect you...until you learn to change and do the right things.
You always have to be prepared. That is why you do not de-value yourself...ever. The right guy will come when you are doing right for yourself.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (2 November 2016):
 I agree with the aunts and uncles on here. Its not the end of the world and just focus on being a good person here on out. But I will say this, I have been in your situation but it wasnt that didnt value myself or made myself a low-value woman, I jumped the gun and made a man pull back. This was years ago but I remember the intense HUMILIATION I felt afterwards. Like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I'm not religious or theist. It took weeks but sweetheart, I realized
1)He wasnt the guy for me. Signs were everywhere. So focus on this man and think about the differences here...He might just have been the wrong person for you.
2)He lacked compassion. Are you sure you want to be with someone like this? Even if you made a mistake, he could have forgave you and took initiative to know you more. Again, HUGE sign its best for you to move on
3)My PRIDE. MY INTEGRITY. MY GOODNESS flooded me and I realize I was going to be okay. I also realized that if a man was so willing to walk away from me, he wasnt the right guy for me. End of story. Sometimes our pride can help boost our own ego and make us realize we can move on because we are good enough to be loved for who we are and for our mistakes
I hoped this help. Good luck. Right now youre in a cloud of shame and guilt, but it takes weeks for clarity and fresh air to hit. Just be ready for it when it comes =) Good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 November 2016):
 Well, I respect your privacy and don't want to pry to know what is this " terrible " thing that you have done which ruined your chances right off the bat, but honestly it would have helped to know more or less what it was, because the way you handle this , it depends from what it was :
- If it was something that entailed his participation and cooperation... pfui ! to him. It takes two to tango. So, if he thinks less of you because you had sex on the first date, or accepted to join in some "forward " sexual act or fantasy which " nice girls don't do "...hey he was there too ! No double standards. If he thinks of you as not classy for having done something he wanted too- then he is an hypocrite, and rather than beating yourself up, you should be happy that you dodged a bullett.
- If it was something like getting blind drunk and dancing on tables with your shirt off, or throwing up in his lap... and he did not like it ; or if , mid-conversation, you pulled out a Bob Marley -size joint and started puffing away , and he did not like it....
look, people have deal breakers. Everybody has deal breakers. I am sure you have dealbreakers too. Perhaps you have " bumped " into one of his dealbreakers, but there's no point in beating yourself up. Because, if it is something that you don't think is so bad ( but he does )- that means that you have basic incompatibilities , and no, if you had carried on with him, it would not have been all sheer bliss. You should have constantly watched and stifled yourself, to show him only the edited sides of you that he could accept. But, you are also the girl who does X ( the " bad " thing which scared him away ) - because you don't think that X is so bad or terrible or shocking. So it's best for you to get a man who feels like you and does not think that doing " X " is vile and abominable.
If, instead, you did " X " - but you knew it was bad, it was a bad idea and now you regret it- live and learn. Now you know that doing " X " not only is a bad idea in your own eyes, but also may scare off people you like. So this episode can actually be very useful, it can be the very push you need to stop doing " X ", which you already know you should not do but lacked so far the motivation to change. Life is a trial and error process; you lost the guy, but you learned a lesson which will prevent you from replicating in future the same negative or " wrong " action.
That hopefully should help for stopping beating yourself up ;) this, and another consideration. How do you know that a certain episode , or wrong impression, was the deal breaker ? How do you know that, in lack of THAT episode, everything was going to be happily - ever- after ?
Maybe,... more simply.. he just was not THAT into you. I say this because all of us, when we are very smitten by a person, become even too lenient, too indulgent for our own good. My feeling is that, whatever your faux pas may have been, if ONE faux pas has been enough to turn him cold- he already liked you... only just a little. Not enough.
And oh yes, you will like other men same as you like him or more. It's inevitable, in time. Come on, you just knew him for a month or so. You don't really know much about this guy, and I don't think you have got time to develop real, deep, mature feelings for him. You may have been very attracted, very impressed- but it's a surface thing, it can't have taken very solid roots. Now it smarts because he is , in your eyes, " the one who got away " . Like being invited to a dinner and having the soup pulled off from under your nose the moment you were going to dip your spoon into it. Very frustrating :) but - there always are other dinners, other courses, other food.
As for God and the Universe - no, they don't " send " you guys. You assume that God and or the Universe ( for many people it's the same thing ) reason exactly like you. You think that being single is a bad, bad thing- so a benevolent God / Universe should realize how bad that is, and send you a nice bf to take you out of your misery. Well, maybe they know better and they don't see it this way- Maybe what a benevolent God / benevolent Universe cares about is that you can grow and explore and expand your limitless possibilities of happiness, peace and wisdom- and follow yoir own path to developping your potential in the best possible way, for your own good and that of the whole world around you .... In this light, it would be a bit limiting if they just " sent " you a boyfriend, or, that specific bf Joe or Jim that you like so much.
Maybe what you need right now, for your own happiness and realization, is not having a date, but learning a lesson. Like , that if you want a Bf is not smart making the choices you are making now ; or, that you can be happy, positive and fulfilled even without a boyfriend ; or, that you are a valuable, precious human being, even if Joe or Jim thinks that you have a low value ; or ... who knows what's the lesson- it's up to you to figure it out! I do believe in a benevolent Universe , - but I don't think it works like a marriage bureau . And the ptoverb says " God help those who help themselves ".
So,- don't wait for God, or Santa Claus, to " bring " you a boyfriend. Be positive, be happy , be grateful, be open to love- and make wise choices; then go handle your love business by yourself, you'll manage just fine, without supernatural interventions...
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (2 November 2016):
 Honestly, it's not the end of the world is it?
Yes it hurts for someone you like to move on but that means you weren't made for each other anyways. If you were then he wouldn't be dating someone else now would he? Whatever you did he saw it as something he doesn't want in a gf so called it quits, exactly the same way you've probably noticed a behaviour in someone who could of been a potential bf for you in the past and it put you off them.
The whole idea of dating is to have fun and find out what you want and dont want in a partner. It's not just think every person that you speak to is going to become your next bf/gf. You find out things about them and decide whether they're a suitable match for yourself.
At the end of the day, the only one that's making yourself feel shitty is you. You're the one beating yourself up wondering what could of been and stalking his insta. You need to remove him off social media, pick yourself off and dust yourself off and give yourself a kick up the backside and tell yourself that a more suitable partner is out there for you and you'll wonder why you spent so much time kicking yourself when you find them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 November 2016):
 1. We aren't "sent" a mate. That would be nice and easy if we were but no. It often takes effort to meet a good match and make it work. Life isn't a fairytale and we aren't handed a partner on a silver platter. The Universe is busy expanding at an ever increasing rate. Hubble's Law. As for God. I can't tell you, but I think the whole "FREE will thing" is part of every getting to FIND and CHOOSE their mate.
2. He isn't with you because you made all these mistakes. He isn't with you because you two weren't a good match (in his eyes). You think that because you did XYZ with him too soon, he didn't see you as a GF potential. Now that might be PART of it, however, HE still did XYZ with you, so is he not as "low-value" as you claim YOU are?
3. STOP mooning over a guy who was OK to do XYZ with you, but who JUDGED you for it. You have put this guy you BARELY know up on some pedestal he doesn't deserve. All to punish yourself.
4. STOP checking out his social media. Seriously. It becomes creepy, girl.
5. YOU can not go back in time. YOU are wasting your LIFE on regret. Instead of being SO busy beating yourself up, look at the situation and LEARN from it. IF you feel like doing XYZ too soon with a guy will ruin your chances or make you a low-value woman (which honestly I don't even know what to say to that expression) then don't DO XYZ in the future.
6. YOU are not going to be EVERY guy's choice. Just like not EVERY guy will be yours.
Focus on being a GOOD person instead! The BEST version of you. And that starts with respecting yourself, trusting yourself, accepting yourself, loving yourself AS you are "warts and all".
You only met and knew him for a month. TRUST me you will meet guys you will like FAR better. The reason you are so fixated on this one is because he fit your fantasy that you were building during that month = all the while HE was never that serious, THAT is why he is ALREADY with a new girl. IF he had REALLY LIKED you, he wouldn't have kept SCORE on your "bad" deeds....... Would he? IF he had REALLY liked you he wouldn't have replaced after a month.... Would he?
It's great that you take full responsibility, but OP.... in EVERY situation it takes 2 to tango. So stop being your own personal dating martyr and let it go. Move on.
So OP, stop making your life into a soap opera over ONE guy you wanted to date but who didn't want to date you. IT happens. Pick a better one next time.
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