A
male
age
30-35,
*blke
writes:im with my girlfreind nearly 7 yrs, we're living together and have a 2 yr old daughter i proposed to her on her 21st birthday yr and half ago but since then we'v been fighting a lot and the sex went from occasionally to none. im only 21 and have set goals: exercising, giving up smokes, getting a good education etc. but my girlfriend just sits around a lot a good mother but lazy person im not really attracted to her anymore, its hard to just break up. i dont want to hurt her and even if I do, I'll always be there for the baby. i dont want her being affected by this, if i do break up and move out iv nowhere to go so if anyone could give me advice or opinions i would really be grateful.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): were not married and iv been there 50/50 since the baby was born i know that i could fix in a split second its just that iv gone from sitting around sending cvs off to looking for an education and taking out door activities more she doesnt show support for anything i do her mother has been complaining because im not job hunting even i told her im looking to go back and get education it really brings me down and iv said this to her she just tells me that i should go job hunting we both smoked hash for a few years and it became to much so i quiet and im going to have a better life for my daughter if she wants to be part of it she needs to grow up and show some respect and other wise whats the point. please read my first question and this and respond back.thanks and kind regards
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Hello again. The more a young mother is at home alone, the more bored and uninspred she can become about just about everything in life.
It's fair to say that she probably is tired almost all of the time. So consequently, just does the basics - wash dishes, chase baby around, maybe vacuum, do the laundry. After doing all that, she may well be totally exhausted.
Someone who is exhausted AND bored and uninspired, isn't exactly going to be the life of the party, that's for sure.
Perhaps you could tell her how much you appreciate how she looks after you and your baby, what a great job she does.
Quite often in this situation, mothers just don't feel appreciated, so she doesn't feel wanted, loved or even desired! It's even possible that she feels taken for granted. She needs to know that she matters to you.
At the same time as I say this, maybe you feel a bit unappreciated and taken for granted by her as well - it's entirely possible. Two people feeling the same way, like they aren't important anymore to the other person, is a downward spiral.
You both need to find ways of showing each other that you care and still love each other. Perhaps when come home from work, you could make dinner for all of you - to give her a break from housework for a change.
Perhaps you could order take-out.
If you can afford to, take her and your daughter out for dinner one night. Or you could just take her, and get your daughter minded by family. Then you and your wife can have some quality one on one time together. Something, that's probably a thing of the past now. You need to get to know each other all over again.
Your wife is still the same person you first met and fell in love with, it's just that life has got in the way a bit. A baby will do that every time, but it's not impossible, it just takes some effort - but well worth it.
You need to start having fun together and make life interesting once again.
On the weekend get out and about a bit, see what's on in your local area. There's plenty to do. Research things to do on the weekend in your area, on the internet.
It's also possible, that you are both just spending too much time at home in your free time. There needs to be a break in the old routine. It can become boring and monotonous.
Perhaps like a lot of people, you have both got into the habit of sitting and watching tv for hours and hours on end, but doing very little else. There's a feeling of missing out on life and life passing you by. Also a sense of not enough time to do the things that bring you both joy.
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A
male
reader, kblke +, writes (1 February 2011):
kblke is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for responding its worth thinking over
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Being a stay at home mom is exhausting but you know what, humans have been raising kids for as long as the human race has been around so it's not like everything should go out the window just because you have a 2 year old at home. whether you can become attracted to her again or not depends a lot on why you find her unattractive. Has her personality changed? If so she needs to change her life around, or you need to change your attitude. or both.Or has her personality not changed and instead as time goes on you have you gotten to know her better now compared to when you fell in love and realize that the person you fell in love with isn't the actual person she is? that happens - that's one reason why people date but then break up...if they never fell in love they wouldn't have started dating. But they break up if it doesn't work out and one reason it doesn't work out is because once you get to know someone better you realize they are not really the one for you after all. And you can't know that until you've been around that person for awhile.if you and her are just not right for each other, then nothing will ever change that unless one of you has to give up who they really are as a person and that's not healthy.if you break up, can you move in with friends or family?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 This is not something that can't be fixed, unless she is too depressed to get a job. If you had been attracted to her before, that attraction can come back. Having a baby is a big event. Women are born to create. Her ultimate purpose had been achieved so she feels she can relax. Reality is that being a single provider is draining you. Your story is so typical of young couples trying to make life work for them. Don't become a statistic. She is not totally responsible for the break up (if you eventually do). Even if the pregnancy was unexpected you should have discussed whether she should get a job. I know that young people go through this quarter-life crisis when they feel like they don't know where to start, or they are over-qualified to do jobs that are below them. Well it's all too late to ponder on this. She needs to get a job. Even if you break up with her she will be forced to get a job. When she realizes the reality of the money situation, then she would try to hook up with another guy. Is this what you really want? Even if it's McDonald's it would still help. She can work until she finds out what kind of degree she wants to get or she is good at it she can become manager in a few years, or apply at different places while keeping her job.
Your arguments could have been prevented if you just choose your words wisely. It's easier to motivate a person when you are positive. Projecting your thoughts that she is lazy would not give you the result you want. You can express your feelings without hurting her. I can bet she doesn't like being lazy either. She just needs that little push. Even before she gets a job she can start to arrange daycare. After she has more time to herself she may look at herself as a woman with ambitions, not just a full time mother.
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 It is hard running around after a tiny tott, they do wear you off. Your wife probably has no time for herself and when you are home she takes a break since your there to help out with the little one but you look at this as being lazy. Instead of trying to run away from the situation you should try helping out a little bit more. Maybe she should return back to work there-fore her mind will be busy and she will find it exciting to come back home after a hards day of work and enjoy being with her family. Maybe her being productive will increase her motivation but remember if she goes back to work the obligation and keeping up with the house becomes your responsibilty too.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (31 January 2011):
Hi there. It seems like your girlfriend lacks balance in her life. If she's home with your 2 year old all day, well then it's become her whole life.
She's in a rut, that she doesn't know how to get out of.
She needs to set goals for herself - exercise, see her friends regularly, go see a movie occasionally, start up a hobby or interest.
In other words, she needs to add more to her life than she currently has.
She is probably spending all day chasing after your daughter, tidying up and putting toys away, and this leaves very little time for herself. Her well of giving, is beginning to run dry!
You can give for so long to others, but if you never give to yourself, well then that water well runs dry. The soul begins to starve, and it's a very unhappy time for that person. It affects every other part of your life.
She needs to fill her day with other activities, besides just being a mother.
Being a mother is a full time occupation, with absolutely no break from it. While you are at work, she is at home - alone - just her and your daughter. It's really isolating and lonely with no-one to talk to - until you get home from work. It's also very exhausting, and more so if you don't have balance in your life.
She needs a break in the monotony. She needs variety.
On weekends, do the 3 of you go out somewhere? Like going on a picnic, or going for a nice drive to the country? Anything at all really. Just making your time together more fun and enjoyable.
If your girlfriend begins to make her life more interesting, she will also become more interesting, will be in an inspired mood and will attract her to you more, like it used to be.
Variety is the spice of life - for both of you.
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