A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year. We have become very close over the course of the past year. Recently, she has let me know that she is ready to move onto the next phase of our relationship, i.e. she wants me to pop THE question.The problem is that the prospect of asking her to marry me, or anyone else for that matter, scares me. I've tried to explain that to her and I apologized for my own commitment issues, but I can't help feeling the way I do.So I've been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to get at the reason for my commitment issues and I think that they stem from a past relationship in which I got burned. Anyway, I thought I was over the girl from that relationship, but I've been suspect that she is where my reservations are coming from. I might not be completely over her like I thought. Help!
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Hmmm. The new info about the ex-girlfriend changes things up a bit. This does take the focus off the pressure on you and put it more on your own relationships. Keep it in mind for when you do think about marrying, though - and at least wait until you're six or seven years older before you consider that option.
Chigirl is mostly right. You don't need to have just one, designated best friend; loyalty is vital in all relationships; boyfriends and girlfriends share something friends cannot.
I would say that your ideal of having your fiance/wife be your best friend is probably aiming too high, and you should be willing to settle for a woman who is loyal, who respects and looks up to you, and who would make a good mother. Friendship is generally a pretty egalitarian relationship - no one is really "in charge" except in certain situations (like when one friend shows another around his old hometown). With wives, women generally want a man who is thje dominant one, who knows he is, and who is comfortable in that role. Certinaly, her input matters, and dominance does not imply anything unpleasant here - it's just the way nature wired us, however much people claim otherwise.
It's analogous to the way your can never be your parent's friend, or your child's friend; the role is just different, however much you like/love each other. The role of spouse is different from that of child or parent, but still not the same as that of a friend.
Just giving you something to think over. If you think this ideal of yours is important, go with it; just be sure that's what you really believe before you break up with a good girl over it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 That's all fair enough. Then you know your girlfriend isn't the one, at least not just yet. It doesn't change my previous answer to you. You may believe your ex is causing you this trouble, and that the solution is to stay away from her.. But your ex isn't the problem here.
In fact there is no problem really, other than you knowing what you want out of a wife, and your current girlfriend doesn't match up to your ideal!
You could of course lower your ideal, but I don't think that wanting to have a wife that is also your best friend is aiming too high. However you might want to open your mind up to having more than one best friend. Each individual offer a different friendship, some deeper than others. You have a great friendship with your ex, there is no need to stay away from her or try and throw that out of the window. That's just you trying to manipulate your feelings, and thats a bad idea. Your girlfriend will simply never be a better friend to you just because you get rid of other friends. Doesn't work that way.
In my way of thinking a boyfriend/girlfriend share something very unique to them that even your bestfriend doesn't have, or is able to share. Its a different kind of friendship that you have with someone intimate. And I think it's fully do-able to have several best friends. The idea that you can only have one is pretty childish. Not saying that's how you think, just saying in general.
However this doesn't change the fact that unless you consider your current girlfriend a bestfriend of yours.. she just isn't, no matter how many other great friends you have or get rid of. But that doesn't mean she wont be in the future. So again, as I said, wait it out, you're not ready. If you don't see her ever being able to be your bestfriend then perhaps it's time to let her go and find someone else to marry. But think about that carefully and take your time. No reason to ruin a great relationship that perhaps just needs more time to develop to it's fullest potential.
But, I will also add in that even though being loyal to your partner is a must, you should also stay loyal to your friends. Never choose between them. There are so many cases of wifes or husbands that chose to be loyal to their partner, and then that partner isolated them from their old friends. Sometimes the partner doesn't treat you right and so on. Being loyal is not the same as being stupid you know. Be loyal to your partner, but don't be stupid, same goes with friends. So, don't feel that you have to choose between your partner or your friend on who gets your loyalty/higher friendship status. If the two of them (the partner and the friend) are pulling you in different directions, just stay neutral and remember that you are still an individual. You are not forced to have to side with either or to prove any sort of loyalty. Loyalty means not to betray, not that you will follow blindly.
If you follow my logic on that one it is fully possible to have a bestfriend, and to have a different besfriend in your partner, without there being a power struggle over who you need to rank as top dog or take sides with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo the problem is that the ex is still in my life, we work together and I'm not sure I can marry anyone, because of some issues that I have with her. You see I would want to marry the person that I consider my best friend. Problem: my ex occupies this place. I avoid seeing her (literally), and most definitely avoid being with her (especially alone).
You see, we met in the seventh grade, became great friends, and then we went through high school together. And we remained close friends well up until about two years ago when we decided to give a relationship a go. It just felt wrong and we called that off after about a month and remained friends. I started dating my current girlfriend but in order to do that I had to pull away from my friend/ex. (Doesn't make sense? That's okay, I'm omitting some details)
Long story short, I can't make a commitment to my girlfriend unless she knocks my ex out of her position. In fact I wouldn't be able to commit to anyone in the form of marriage unless they superseded my ex/friend as my best friend. I just couldn't do it.
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A
female
reader, hammyj  +, writes (1 February 2011):
Don't do it. You are very young still, even if you are in the 22-25 year old age bracket. Its clearly not what you want if you are this scared about it.
Making a decision based on pressure from her will turn nasty in the end. Making the decision to get married to one person for the rest of your life and is not a decision that should be made lightly. If there is any doubt in your mind, just don't do it.
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A
female
reader, hammyj +, writes (1 February 2011):
Don't do it. You are very young still, even if you are in the 22-25 year old age bracket. Its clearly not what you want if you are this scared about it. Making a decision based on pressure from her will turn nasty in the end. Making the decision to get married to one person for the rest of your life and is not a decision that should be made lightly. If there is any doubt in your mind, just don't do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): My advise to you is that if you are not ready for marriage then dont 'pop the question'...By all means tell her how much you love her...be the best boyfriend ever and build yourself up as an individual and a good man...If you pop the question and get married before you are ready you may come to resent her later which would lead to all sorts of problems...ever read the book 'Why men marry some women and not others'....the is an extract which show the commitment stages of men...Look at a part of the extract below
''
•Most men will not consider marriage before they reach the age of commitment
?For 80% of high school graduates, 23
?For 80% of college graduates, 26
?For college men, the high-commitment period is 28-33
?For men who go to graduate school, 30-36
?After the age of 37-38, the chances that he’ll commit drops dramatically. After 43, it drops even more
?A 40+ man who has been married before is more likely to remarry than an equivalent bachelor is to marry
•Most men will not contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years (hence the high-commitment periods)''
If you still have plans to go ahead and develop yourself eg further education and a career, go ahead with your plans and explain this to your girlfriend.
Any unresolved issues from your past has to be resolved for you to move on....You will be mature enough and ready someday
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe a little more context will make the advice I get a little better.
The break up with the ex was actually on fairly good terms, In fact the ex is still part of my life, we work together. So I see her a lot. And I am actually still really good friends with her. That's where the tension comes from.
Romantically, I don't see a future with her, but the problem is that I want to be best friends with the person to whom I do choose to marry, it is this ex however that I think currently claims this position of friendship, despite not having any romantic inclinations toward her, and despite the fact that I do try to avoid spending time with her, especially time alone with her.
The worst is that I know my ex feels the same way. That I am her best friend as well, even though our relationship really hurt her.
I just don't think that it is fair, to my current girlfriend to purpose to her when in fact my ex still has this piece of me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 February 2011):
Don't over-think this. You learned to be cautious from your past relationship, we all do. We loose some of that naivety, perhaps get a bit withdrawn emotionally. It's not uncommon, and it's not something that's really in the way of any future relationships.
The deal here is: you're not ready. Being scared of popping the questions doesn't have to be a genetic thing about you, how would you know, it's not like it's something people have great experience with as it's usually done rarely.
My vote is on you not being ready. You've been with her for just a year. So she's ready, but who's to say you have to be as well. I'd not be ready after such a shirt time either most probably, few are. A year isn't long. However that all depends on the couple of course, some feel ready after only a few months.
Don't dwell on this too much, you're not struggling from any deep mental troubles from an old experience that has scarred you for life and you are in need of treatment. That's taking it way too far. You're not ready, plain and simple.
Pop the question when you feel it is right, not when your girlfriend pressures you into it. She should understand. When it's right you'll know, so don't try to force yourself into thinking this should be right for you when you just don't feel that way. Nothing to do with commitment-issues. Everything to do with not being there yet.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 February 2011):
The prospect of getting married should scare you, it's a bad decision. This has nothing to do with commitment issues (I doubt you have any such "issues" anyway, at least not enough to be worth apologizing for) - first, because you are capable of commiting without a piece of paper to prove it; second, because since no-fault divorce is legal in all fifty states, marriage officially has nothing to do with commitment.
My feelings are, if a girl can hint that she wants marriage and the guy doesn't instantly bolt, he has no commitment issues. This includes if that previous girl made you gun-shy about it. Did she screw you up, or did she give you fair warning for your future relationships? Feeling something for an ex is normal and fine, even years later. It does not mean that you aren't over her, and it does not mean she's causing problems in the current relationship.
Besides which, you don't have to be married to love each other, to live together, to sleep together, to share bank accounts, have kids, or whatever. There is literally nothing to be gained from getting married - although with a fifty percent divorce rate, you'd be taking on a serious risk.
By all means, love her and be with her. Spend the res to fyour life with her if you want to. Relationships are great, and love is beautiful. Just don't marry her.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Look, don't be getting yourself into anything you're not ready for. Are you sure she wants you to 'pop the question'?? She may simply think that the next level could be to get a dog or move in together (that's assuming you don't live together already by the way)
Well done for getting to the source of your issues. Now you need to define what's different about you're current gf to this ex, look at the positives of your new gf, and assure yourself that she will not hurt you. Talk to her about it, hearing it from the horses mouth will be most comforting.
But like i said, don't do anything until you're ready to. You need to make sure you are happy taking your relationship to the next level. If you just do it to shut her up so to speak, then it will just cause more problems...
Good luck!!
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