A
female
age
36-40,
*onfuzzled_in_cville
writes:So...my boyfriend and I got into a theoretical disagreement. First it began with him venting about his parents. and how his mom refuses to pay him money she owes and how his birth father is a piece of shit who showers his other kids. I grew up estranged from a lot of family, my mother had fear and spite guiding this decision. I didn't miss much when I was younger, only when I got older did I have slight regret for not knowing some relatives. My boyfriend is worried about being a good Christian and wants to remain respectful of his parents, even considering their lack of attentiveness and sensitivity to some of the issues in his life.I said if we had kids I didn't want his birth father seeing them. My boyfriend flipped and was very offended, claiming my preference was evil. I'm agnostic, I'm not pressed with the concerns my boyfriend is worried about regarding this. Am I being too cold? Is my upbringing and religious belief keeping me from seeing the bigger picture? I don't want this person treating my kids like shit cause he's a piece of shit though. Make sense of this madness please.
View related questions:
christian, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2014):
 I think that the person who is the child of the grandparents should have the final say unless the children are being abused.
My husband is totally estranged from his family. I speak to his sister but have never met his mom nor talked to her. He does not even talk to his sister. That's his choice. I choose to have a relationship with his sister without him and it works fine.
Often LOUSY parents turn into good grandparents.
It's really NOT your call. it's his.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 I don't think it's a matter of being cold or non- religious.
It's a matter of equity, and of respect for your partner ( and father of your kid ).
Remember that this future kid will be only 50% yours- the other 50% " belongs " to his / her dad. Who has all the right to have his kid see his side of the family, same as you will have said kid seeing your side of the family.
Otherwise your bf would be entitled to say : Fine, as you veto Junior's access to paternal grandfather, so I veto his access to maternal grandfather.
" But his father is a piece of shit and my father is a fine gentleman, instead ". It does not matter. First, that's your subjective evaluation, other people ( including your bf ) may not feel this way. Second, do not treat your bf as an irresponsibile clueless idiot- trust that he will be ready , willing and able to protect
his offspring; to intervene promptly if there's anything not OK ; and to make sure that your kid is treated in a proper , respectful way ANYWHERE he goes.
In other words, that he will do his job as a father.
If you don't trust that, .. why do you even want to have a child from someone whom you think will make an inept parent ?
Obviously, YOU do not have to visit your FIL or to talk to him if you do not wish to. But, forbidding your partner to have your kid near paternal grandfather- I feel it is injust, and overbearing of you ( and I am not surprised that your bf got mad ). Unless there are special reasons for this ban ( like, FIL is a convicted child molester... ) ...there should be no ban, or at least you have no grounds to enforce it. If all the old dude did was being an insensitive parent... meager comfort perhaps, but somehow, uncannily and mysteriously, lots of people who made shitty parents have a different relationship with their grandkids, and make decent / good grandparents.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 Take it back and cross that bridge when/if you get there. You dont know his father, and your opinion is based on heresay. Your bf is not necessarily objective, you know. He might be a good man, but for all you know ge is adding on a lot of crap about his dad just to get your sympathy. In either case, you arent pregnant. Nor planning to get married, as far as your post says. So just take it back and worry about this if you one day end up marrying him/get pregnant.
...............................
|
