A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a devout Catholic and married in church. I'm here because I feel like my life has had so many twists and turns and I just don't know which way to go anymore. All I want is peace. Happiness and love also, if possible. Should I do the right thing, stay married and hope I will be happy along with the people around me? Or should I be the bad girl and divorce (annulment if possible) to finally set things right? Sorry for the long story but this is the only way you can understand my dilemma.PRE-MARRIAGE LOVE STORY: I admired a college friend, from a distance, for over 10+ yrs. Out of the 10, I was with my current husband as his girlfriend then. I was with him for the wrong reasons except the fact that he treated me right, pursued me endlessly and sincerely loved me. Our goals, principles, personalities are polar opposites and we never truly knew how to communicate or handle issues well. I knew that we were so different and that my heart was never truly in it but I ignored it thinking I worry too much and I will grow to love him. Because I didn't think I had any chance w/ my friend, I decided to stay in this on-off relationship w/ my boyfriend. In the end, to forget him, I cut all communication w/ my friend.There was a death in my family which opened the communication w/ my college friend. It's been 4yrs since we last had a long conversation but with that one moment, all the feelings I thought was gone came back alive and I couldn't ignore the fact that it was him I love and want to be with all along. I didn't know until much later, through a common friend, that he liked me a lot during and after college but never courted me because he felt he wasn't good enough for me and also I was with someone else.Long story short, I broke up with my bf, pursued him but it was too late. All he said was that he was really hurt that I cut him off so suddenly and that he has since moved on and doubts my sincerity for him because I was with my bf for several years. I was crushed. To keep my pride, I decided to finally cut myself out of his life. The pain was so unbearable, it felt like I died from that moment on and I have no reason to live.Throughout this time, my ex never stopped fighting for me. I decided to marry my ex-bf because I don't want him to suffer the same fate I did. It doesn't matter to him if I was still hurting as long as long as I will stay loyal to him. I figured I'd never fall in love again like I did with my friend and this is it with love and men for me. LOVELESS MARRIAGE: I honestly thought that I would be happy with my husband because I had loved him before (differently but it was still love) and I could fall in love with him again. But after 3yrs of always fighting or not talking for the same differences we had as bf/gf, I had given up. I come home feeling lonely. Hardly any intimate moments, never had a date since, it feels like were roommates than a couple. Sex is great at times but there's just no spark for me anymore and I've just resigned and decided to focus on my career and just be a good wife as much as I can. I have to admit that it didn't help that I am still painfully trying to forget my friend.POST-MARRIAGE LOVE: At this point, I've been living my life just going through the motions and trying to just be a good person/wife. I was always surrounded by men but I never wavered. Enter this new co-worker. He would be impressed with my work, tease me and we just have this great chemistry. Since having long conversations with him at work, I find myself slowly growing more attracted to him. He really brought back laughter and romance in my life. Suddenly, I get excited to see him the next day or check if he's arrived. I make an effort to dress nicer and feel attractive. He inspires me. When he would give me advice, I'd follow it. He knows I'm married. We had several moments where we would stare at each other a long time and smile or while we talk. He would nudge me, I'd nudge him back. He would say I shouldn't be taking off from work because it's different without me. Little things he'd say or do that makes me wonder if he liked me or if he's just being kind. He'd check up on the things we talked about and remembered details about me. Finally, I decided to ask him to have dinner with me one night and I was surprised when he said yes. I keep rationalizing that he is the "nice" guy type and sees nothing of it. But during that dinner, I flirted as "respectably" as I could, leaning forward, all smiles, etc. etc. I kept trying to end the dinner early because it was getting late but then he'd bring up more things to talk about. I had a great time but it left me wondering, does he like me or just love to hangout? What am I doing? All I know is that, suddenly, the pain in my heart or feeling that I couldn't breath every time I think of the college friend, has gone away and I start thinking of this guy more. He is not my type and he's of different faith but, surprisingly, I'm not turned off by it and still grow even more drawn to him (his brain, looks and attitude) and imagine what it would be like to have him hold my hand and hug me. Just thinking about him makes me smile. My husband even caught me smiling in my sleep and he asked me why, I didn't say it was because of this guy which I happen to dream about. I don't know what this means except that I didn't think I'd ever feel alive again. I felt like I woke up from a 15+ year of heartache and confusion about love and men. My heart wants me to break free from this marriage and seek this infatuation, maybe love? Or just give myself and my husband a chance to find the right person in our lives. But my brain tells me not to make the same rash decision of getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons. It wouldn't be fair to him and my husband. Right now, I go with the flow. My husband and I are still doing things separately but I've stopped begging to do things together anymore. My co-worker and I act professional in the office but there are moments of teasing (mostly initiated by him) and physical contact (mostly initiated by me). He would stand/sit close to me though. And does everything I ask. He's in a relationship but he said he doesn't care about it very much, they're just used to being together (just like how mine was). I told him things about how my marriage was really like (never told a soul before him) and I pretty much am going to leave it up to him to take the next step. Thankfully, I'm planning to leave the company for my own career growth. He said he's going to start looking too, but it maybe because our company sucks. I really can't tell if he likes me because I get mixed signals but I know I do and I should probably leave asap before it gets worse. HOPELESS DILEMMA: Should I stay in my marriage and make it work? Or is this a second chance for me to make things right for me and my husband? Does he deserve a better loving wife? My promise to him was that I won't leave him unless I no longer make him happy. He told me he doesn't want to meet other women and that he's comfortable around me. He doesn't want to start over anymore. There's nothing wrong with him except that I just don't think I love him as much as he does to me. He revealed to me recently that he feels I never loved him in all these years we've been together. In all honesty, its not the "romantic love" that I feel for him but a love that would sacrifice anything for him because he is such a good person. Does he make me happy as a wife? No. But I have made peace with this decision and can live with it. Or so I thought, until I met the coworker, and part of me doubts and wonders. I don't know what to do. I would like to keep having him in my life. Whether as a friend or more, I don't know, is that so wrong? Until I know how he really feels for me, I really have nothing to worry about yet. Who knows maybe by me leaving, this story that has yet began already ended.Should my love life end with my husband? Or should I let a new one begin? Personally I will receive the wrath from both my family and his if I leave my husband because they will blame me for ruining his life. He was so miserable when I left him for that friend and to do something selfish again to be happy but mean the worst for him, I don't think my conscience can bear that. We don't have kids yet and I'd like to figure this out before this year ends if I should leave him before I make things worse because I'm pressured to have kids since I'm in my mid-30s. What do I do?Btw, my husband doesn't think we should seek marriage counseling and that our issues are caused by helping relatives and not focusing on our own relationship. But since we have stopped or minimized that greatly, things should get better between us in his opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice and here are my responses:
Getta, those theories seem spot on and I will take those into consideration. On your list:
1. I will seek counsel as you advise but not sure which route to take yet(don't really like therapist, priest could be an option, or some non-profit groups). Will keep you posted.
2. I cannot promise you that I can do this right now because I really enjoy his company BUT while I'm at work, I focus on what I need to do first bec. that's just how I am. If we end up having to talk, I can't help but smile at him or joke with him. It feels good to be happy again and I just can't let it go yet. The good news is I may have a job offer and will soon leave the company (hopefully 1-2 mos. from now). Even if that job may not be the one I really want, I may just take it to spare my marriage. I think he doesn't like me even if I catch him look at me or smile because he's nice to everyone. Also, I think he's distancing himself from me too because maybe he noticed.
3-6. Already did but my husband's personality is more of a "hermit" and to push him more would make things worst at home. If I leave him alone, then he'll do something nice to me but unfortunately nothing romantic.
7. We have 1 single thing we both like to do (watch a show & going to church) to this day and I try to maintain that because that's the only time we cuddle and hold hands on a regular basis. And I always make it a point that we kiss and hug when one of us arrives/leaves the house. Even that feels like an effort to me these days but I just don't want to ruin something that is supposed to be good, so I try.
8. Done. I have been listing all the good things that happen to me each day if I can. It has helped me.
Intrigued3000,
I think you are right. I need to find my inner voice. I just want to handle this dilemma carefully. Hopefully I can make a decision before this year ends. I am weighing my options.
Sageoldguy1465,
It may be religion but I think it's just how I am. I have siblings who were raised Catholic but acted on their own accord, whether in line w/ the Catholic beliefs or not, and I must say they seem happy w/ their lives.
I think though, it's just me. I just don't feel comfortable doing something really wrong. I've never cheated in school or sneak out etc. I only had sex w/ the man I married. Get the picture? BUT I've interacted w/ several guys and even asked them out if I liked them (this was during the time I'd tell my boyfriend/husband now, I want to break up w/ him.) It just turned out that it didn't work out w/ those guys or they never really matched up to my bf or friend. My crush/first love on my friend really set the bar high in comparison w/ the guys I've met so I don't typically get attached to guys, I tend to be just friendly with them like buddies.
I had the chance to break away and be selfish to satisfy my own wants and dreams, and ignore the people I care about, but the conscience that I felt for leaving them hanging just killed me and so I came back. I feel good if people needs my help or if I do something right etc.
Which is why, it surprises me when the thought of leaving my husband is entering my mind or the thought of being with this co-worker excites me, even if it's really wrong. This is all heart reacting now and I'm using my brains the hardest and seeking into the depths of my soul to really get past this.
I'm trying to understand what I really feel for my husband. My friends tell me this is true love. He is my bestfriend, we enjoy our intimate moments, and we accept each other for who we are. Only complaint I have is: our dreams/goals don't match up, he doesn't like intellectual talks, we don't share the same sense of humor and there's no romance. ZIP. This started after our last breakup when my friend pretty much "rejected" me. I think it's also because he sensed that I kinda closed my heart on love.
But the feelings I get when I talk to my co-worker or I'm beside him seemed to have opened that again. He makes me feel all giddy, inspired, young and attractive again. haha.
I hope my husband doesn't sense this before I figure out what actions to take.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 I think you are doing yourself an injustice by living your life to please other people. If your husband does not want to go to couples therapy, then I would suggest that you seek therapy on your own. You need to figure out what makes you happy and free yourself of all this guilt and anxiety about living your life as you want, rather than to please family / religion / husband / society. Therapy will help you to hear your own voice, which you have suffocated for a long time. I don't think you're in love with your co-worker. You are infatuated. The co-worker represents an escape from the mental prison that you have created for yourself. This workplace flirtation is just a symptom of the problem. You are clearly not happy, and you have not yet realized that you have the power to change your life and make it more satisfying and meaningful. You are wasting your life by trying to live up to other people's expectations / standards. I don't see this as you wanting to have an affair. Rather I see it as the "inner" you crying out for help to break free and live a more authentic life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 August 2014):
 In my mind... this is REALLY a submittal about your religion... nothing else....
Look at all the ways that you described how your RELIGION is dictating what you do, how you feel.... AND (most importantly) WHY you ought to feel bad about being a fallible, mortal human being....
Think long and hard about whether or not you want to stick with a "religion" that has the ability to make you feel so bad about yourself....
P.S. I'm NOT "anti-religion".... I'm simply a pragmatist who thinks that people have to make their OWN decisions about their lives... and NOT have those decisions tainted by the dogma that they get from men who wear dresses...
Good luck...
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