A
female
age
51-59,
*elma
writes:I have a friend who I thought considered me a friend. I have done lots of favors for her, and we have done things together as our girls are in the same grade at school. However, her body language says very strongly that I am not welcome to join a club that she is in. What do you think would be some reasons for this? It really hurts my feelings.Velma Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Fee-Fee  +, writes (13 January 2009):
 Oh V, my head is telling me to tell you to give her the benefit of the doubt, assume she is a little insecure about sharing her network of friends because you are a groovy kitten and she is scared of losing either you or them, and just carry on with the relationship as it is.
My heart on the other hand is telling me to tell you if she is hurting your feelings, maybe the friendship has run its course and it's time to let go - keep it casual as it were for the sake of your daughter's friendship with her daughter.
Do you have a good social network around you?
I mean other people you can party with?
And would you consider HER a best friend, even if you think she doesn't consider YOU a best friend?
Fee xx
A
female
reader, Velma +, writes (13 January 2009):
Velma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFee-Fee,Thank you for your response. I don't feel that it has anything to do with our girls. I think that you hit the nail on the head with your first response. It's more about insecurity. I honestly think that, even though it really hurts my feelings, she is looking for someone who will help her out --do a favor for her when she needs it. Of course she would return the favor any time. I am much more of a people person than she is. I love to socialize. She is more task-oriented, if you know what I mean, more into "stuff". She has her group she does this with, her group she does that with. I don't think I am one of her best friends. I don't feel she wants to party with me as she already has friends to party with. It really hurts my feelings. What do you say about this?
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A
female
reader, Fee-Fee +, writes (13 January 2009):
I did sort of touch on it in my first answer, but the only other thought I had today (yes, you were on my mind at work today, V!) is that perhaps it might have something to do with your bambini's being in the same grade ... is your daughter a high achiever, perhaps slightly higher than her daughter? Or is there an activity where she constantly excels, and her daughter doesn't?
If so, there may be a little touch of jealousy going down, so she wants to find something she is better at than you are so it puts you on a more even keel. Just a thought.
What I would do would entirely depend in all honesty ... how passionate are you about the content the club explores for instance.
I say ask her because I suppose I am an inquisitive (some might say nosey!) little mousie.
I would want to know why this activity is being restricted to me if it was something I dearly wanted to do.
I do agree that body language can say a thousand things in the space it takes to say one word, but have you actually come right out with it and ASKED her if she would mind you joining ...
Flatter her ego a little (I know it's difficult when you are a little pissed off with her ... ), tell her she has made a brilliant choice, it sounds like a fantastic club (all the better for one of your closest friends being in it!) and would she mind if you came along to see what it was all about. She may say "that sounds groovy! come on!" or she might come right out and say "no, I don't want you to because of XYZ", in which case I suppose you can only respect her wishes.
If she says no and is stuck up about it, then you can just go right out, join a different club, make some more fantastic friends and have a ball!
If she is truly your friend, then she will be honest in her response. Maybe not right away, might take a little bix of coaxing, but it should be there somewhere.
Fee xx
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A
female
reader, Velma +, writes (13 January 2009):
Velma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFee-Fee,
At the end of your response, you said, "You'll never know unless you ask her." I disagree with this. What are the chances that she will be honest in her response? Don't you agree? I feel that body language or actions speak louder than words.
Velma
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A
female
reader, Velma +, writes (13 January 2009):
Velma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFee-Fee,
At the end of your response, you said, "You'll never know unless you ask her." I disagree with this. What are the chances that she will be honest in her response? Don't you agree? I feel that body language or actions speak louder than words.
Velma
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A
female
reader, Velma +, writes (13 January 2009):
Velma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFee-Fee,
Also, what would you do if you were in this situation? Would you join the club, and why or why not? Thanks for your response!!
Velma
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A
female
reader, Velma +, writes (13 January 2009):
Velma is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFee-Fee,
What an awesome answer!! I think you hit the nail on the head!!
Thanks for your response!
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A
female
reader, Fee-Fee +, writes (12 January 2009):
Perhaps she doesn't want to share her friends, or maybe she is worried they will prefer you to her. Maybe she is struggling to make friends herself at the club, and doesn't want you to know about it.Or, perhaps she thinks you will be better at the activities and show her up a little bit.There could be any number of reasons. You'll never know until you ask her!Fee
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (12 January 2009):
 This may sound cruel and i apologies if it hurts you...
is it possible that;
-she used you
-she's friendly to you because she has to be because both your daughters go to the same school....
-she doesn't really like you ad/or feels above you so she doesn't want you to stain/interfere with her perfect little life/club
Again i'm sorry if it hurts but could this be the truth?
If it is you're better off, you are a nice person and dont need her kind around you:)
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