A
male
age
41-50,
*illyRayValentine
writes:Hello, this site has been great for me and my relationship over the past months.Been reading many other post over many months and one thing seems to stick out or contradict each other. So just wanted to hear some thoughts on this.My question. "If the past is the past as it pertains to prior sexual partners, and people should not go digging up the past (discussing it with their partners stuff like number of past partners, details ect ect), just leave it in the past", but it seems so many people remain in contact with ex's? Be it through email, phone, facebook, ect ect.If a partner truly does not want to discuss his or her sexual past with current partner then why hang on? It seems so many people keep in touch even if only in a small inconsistant way.To me it seems so wishy washy. Either its all in and all the cards are on the table, or if its really the past then its all buried, and we move on for good.But many other post and questions seem to contradict this.Tons of post have been about dealing with a partners past sex partners. And pretty standard responses seem to be "Don't discuss this, its the past, let it be". Which I think is great advice for probably most people.But, then other posts are about being friends with ex's, keeping in touch, facebooking ect ect. While some are against this, it appears many think its just harmless, I keep in touch with some of my ex's my partner knows about this ect ect. Even though many post are about partners being jealous of current partners feelings about keeping in contact with people they have slept with.Well, why on one hand is it best to leave the past in the past? Yet on the other its ok to keep in touch with people you've had a sexual encounter with? Is that not counterproductive? And goes against the original advice in don't bring up personal detais about relationships, sexual experiences. Again I know some on this site who say when its over its over, no contact its the past. I get that.But, many seem to say its ok to stay in touch with ex's, even if its minor like email/facebooking. Yet its ok to also tell the partner I'm not discussing my sexual past and Its best to leave the past in the past?It seems like many want to have their Cake and eat it too.
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male
reader, Broadminded +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Very few partners can deal with their spouse or boy/girlfriends maintaining relationships with their ex's. Why should they? It's irresponsible and selfish to make their partner put up with it. If they need to maintain a relationship so badly with their ex then by all means let them keep it. Alone, by themselves..minus you. Your partner is self consumed. Curb time. Move on. It's not worth discussing, he'll never change. Or don't and be a doormat. It's up to you but I know what I'd do. There are too many good people out there to settle for a user.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 The reason you don't discuss your previous sex life with your new partner is .. who wants to know?? Really? Who wants to picture the person they recently fell head over heels for, going down on someone else? Just the thought makes us sick and feel awful. Sure, we the liberal ones can discuss matters as "have you ever.. this or that", but even then we never need or want the details. What good would such details do? Paint the picture even more clearly? While we're at it, why not also ask who they find attractive, or if they ever masturbated to any of your friends. Just to put the icing on the cake.
Some things we just don't need to know. Past sex life is one of those things. I don't ask, and I don't wanna know any details. That's what I mean by "past is past", meaning don't go digging it up because it's only going to bother you in one way or the other. It's also none of my business what my partners have done previously, that's their personal business and if they respect the privacy of their exes, and respect their own privacy, they shouldn't kiss and tell. It's common courtesy to not go talking to the new partner about what went on in the bedroom of the previous relationship. It's private matters.
As for staying in touch with an ex. Well, some people manage to stay friends. I guess if they ended things on a friendly note it can be done, or if they are very friendly and generous people who can give so much of themselves that they can be friends with an ex. I know it would kill me to be friends with an ex, mostly because by the time the relationship has ended I can't stand them. But also because it's hard to stay in touch with someone when you still have feelings for them, it's hard to get over them. But that's just me, I've heard of people who can stay friendly with exes. Some are buddies, others are just associates. And why not, if they're fine with it then why shouldn't they stay in touch?
I don't really see how these two things contradict one another. Past sexual adventures are private and not to be shared with a new partner, out of respect for the ex mostly. But being friendly with an ex is also a matter of maturity and respect, and being the bigger person and not holding grudges. An ex isn't just a dick or a pussy. It's a person. Saying you should not talk about previous sex isn't the same as not talking about a PERSON you were with before. The person isn't reduced to a penis or vagina you know. Just because the sex life is private, doesn't mean you can't talk about the person, and ask other types of questions that are less private. What an ex does for a living is open for questioning, and well as basically all other aspects. But some things are private and not your business. How would you like it if you broke up and then she went and told her new bf your penis size and the sounds you usually make when you orgasm, or how much you sweat or not during sex, or what fetishes you have... You wouldn't like that. You wouldn't want some random guy to know those things about you. You wouldn't respect your girlfriend if she was a blabbermouth and gave away details about you. And that is why... you shouldn't ask, and she shouldn't tell. It's a matter of privacy and respect for the former partner.
And to end this long post of mine, just for amusement, I will say that I am not in contact with any of my exes. But my boyfriend is. When I first got together with him he asked ME if I was okay with him being friends with MY ex, haha! And sure, why not.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I do not see a need to remain friendly with ex-partners unless you have children with them. I have never been in a long term relationship with someone who had ex partners as friends. I have no ex partners as friends. I am friendly with two of my ex husbands… ONE because I have children with him (albeit grown). In fact, I just posted on his wife’s face book wall…. I like her very much as she is the stepmother to my sons.
My last husband and I run into each other at certain events during the year… we are civil and friendly… but I don’t text him unless it’s “business” (i.e. mail came to the house for him that was not junk mail) and we do not socialize with them. I see no need. He’s an ex for a reason.
I do not think I would be comfortable with my partner being FRIENDS with an ex. Yeah I guess if he had a facebook page and was facebook casual friends with them I could cope.. but if he wanted to go out with an ex for a meal or something…. Without me? I would not be happy. IF you are good enough to be friends why aren’t you partners?
I’ve never lied about my past. Heck I have kids… clearly I had sex before my current partner… but he’s never asked… and I know some of his past but not details and I don’t care… the past is the past… it helps shape who we are but it does not define us and it has no bearing on our relationship.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (4 February 2013):
When it comes to sexual past, I believe in a "don't tell unless someone asks." Even if they ask, minimal detail is best. Because many people will get jealous once they know the intimate details. And if someone doesn't ask, why would you go and tell them that "so-and-so and I used to have sex on the couch, right where you are sitting as a matter of fact." That would be bringing the past into the present in a really disturbing way. And could start people on retroactive jealousy and comparing themselves with your ex. So I believe that for the most part, leaving the past in the past is to give the current relationship the best possible chance it can have. I mean, I don't want to hear my partner tell me about how great his ex used to be in bed, or how she had this amazing ability to bend her legs behind her head or what not. It's just going to put terrible images into my head.
On the other hand, I think that completely leaving the past in the past is impossible in many situations. For those who have kids with an ex, those exes are very much IN THE PRESENT and FUTURE, in a limited sense. But in those cases, boundaries are made. And I think that it's too hard a rule to say that exes have to be in the past. What if you were friends with someone, then thought, hey maybe we should go on a date, and it doesn't work out, then does that mean that the friendship is gone too? I do think some people are capable of being just friends with an ex, and some are not. I have one ex that I'm good friends with now. My husband is now friends with him too. No sexual interest or tension or romantic. Just platonic. We have some shared interests and it works well. Husband is good with it, no inappropriate contact whatsoever. I have another ex that is NOT a friend, because I know that would blur and confuse things.
And people and situations evolve over time. Just because I'm friends with my ex now, doesn't mean that we are living in the past. We dated maybe over 6 years ago. And I can barely even remember that past - sexual or romantic. So when we hang out, it's about the present friendship only.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 People hang onto their ex's for the same reason they hang onto their old lumpy, hole flled sweater...It's familiar, comfortable for a while and full of memories...but most people wouldn't wear it outside of the house!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): Ok, from my POV I like to keep in touch with exes, usually because we've grown to be just friends, and I have a hard time making friends, so it's nice to stay in touch with someone that already knows me, there's a weird type of security that goes with it. Having said that, I fully believe you can't be friends with an ex if you still have feelings for them as it'll always come out. Also, it has effected my relationship to the point where I have clear boundaries eg. no very regular contact (a few times a month is acceptable) & no face to face meetings.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Because such person has no integrity and boundaries. The "leave the past in the past" is for people who have no loyalty issues and have no need for outside attention. People who have a past is not automatically synonymous with people who will keep in touch with a past partner. Also people who have a past is not synonymous with people who have no boundaries. You can have a guy like Cerberus who had 80+ partners and be very faithful to his partner and you can have a woman with only one ex but is constantly in touch with him. For Cerberus, his colorful past is not harming his current relationship but for that woman, her contacting her ex is.
So to answer your question, yes, some people want to have their cake and eat it too but you can't argue and say the past does matter for every single person, because not everyone feels the need to talk to exes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): Exactly, some people just want to have their cake and eat it too. They want their past to matter or not matter depending on the situation.
It comes up with sexual problems too. People will say "I wont do that because I've done it all before" and then turn around and say "Don't hold my past against me, its irrelevant to you!" So which one is it? Does your past affect your current partner or not?
The subject of sexual pasts does not get treated with any logic these days.
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reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (4 February 2013):
I am friends with all but 1 of the people I have done anything sexual with on Facebook. I have some that I still speak to but rarely. I cannot see any of them in that light anymore, the romantic feelings have gone, so I don't desire any sexual activity with them. Somne of them are in relationships now. I still keep in touch because I am over them and feel no hostility towards them so I was able to still be friends (even with the guy who cheated on me.) I could still be friends because I didn't like them that much anyway. Sexual history is important to some people. I don't get jealous as much, I am more bothered in the moral aspect whether they have been doing dodgy things.
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