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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: After two years, I'm back! What's funny is, I can still look at questions I've asked over my (going on) four year relationship. I love my fiance', but there have been so many problems, I'm shocked we've lasted this long. Faced everything from his lying, his past drug abuse, talking to women behind my back (one time in particular where I got a friend to pretend she was interested and he fell for it,then continued to lie and say he was keeping her on the "back burner" and wouldn't have cheated, and also that he'd done it because we were rocky leading up to that point, like that's any excuse to lie). Anyway, my relationship has been Crappy up to this last year. I'll post more information to give a more in-depth perception if you choose to read, but my question is this- if someone was so horrible in the beginning of the relationship, and in general, can they really change? Things seem to be going so well, but I can't help to keep an eye over my shoulder. I'm almost waiting for him to go back to the way he was.. he seems settled down finally, but how can I be sure? Now, for a re-vamp of our relationship (keep in mind that I'm telling you mostly bad things, there are great qualities about my relationship, but these are the hurdles I can't seem to get over)... We met and I had just gotten out of a relationship, so didn't take it seriously, neither did he. He has a past drug problem (opiates), and it ended halfway through our relationship, although before that there was lying, using behind my back, etc. He was just mean in general for the most part, I mean, one minute loved me, the next would be kicking me out of his house at five AM only to call the next day begging me to come back. We broke up for over a month and I tried dating someone else. Afterwards, in a sneaky attempt to see if he would be faithful, I had a friend start talking to him and he fell for it. HE invited her out to two different things we were supposed to be doing and told this girl I knew (he didn't know she was a friend) that he would have me kicked out if I showed up to one of the two places (I was 20 at the time,and it was a bar). As much as that still hurts, I accepted his apology and took him back. He claims he only did this because only a few weeks before, I had been in a new relationship and he was "devastated" that I could do that and still didn't trust me or think it would "work", even though I was 100% honest. So... there you have it. For the most part, that's the crap I've been through with my fiance'. Things are finally, and have been good for almost two years. I know some of you are probably thinking "Who is this crazy lady and why is there any question of whether or not to stay??!", but I love him, and want to know if there's any chance he's sincerely changed. I'll take any constructive criticism or support. Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Thank you all for your answers. And no, he is no longer using drugs, which was a choice of his own while we were broken up. That was the only reason I was willing to give it a second chance. Also, while he did most of this stuff, I believe it was mostly contributed to the drug use.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): "If someone was so horrible in the beginning of the relationship can they completely change and learn better ways to behave?""I love him, and want to know if there's any chance he's sincerely changed."No reason. He doesn't love you, treats you with absolute contempt and total disrespect, walks all over you, always blames you, yet you'll believe anything he says and forgive anything he does, so he knows all he has to do is butter you up with a little false sweet-talk and you'll let his latest egregious transgression slide 'cuz "you love him." He obviously has some hold over you, can only assume that you have huge emotional voids and gaping chasms from your past that you are desperately seeking to fill any way possible. That you are willing to settle for so little (nothing specific, of course the "great qualities" mentioned in passing, understand they far too voluminous to list individually, but maybe just one or two to balance out the detailed accounting of his past abhorrent behavior from which you haven't learned while waiting for him to "change," as I'm sure he promises every time you take him back) at such great emotional cost suggests you have a somewhat twisted and distorted concept of "love." And please, stop referring to him as your "fiance." If you've been with him for years with no wedding date in sight, then he's the guy with whom you've been with for years. I will not venture to speculate on the term by which he refers to you to others.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): I think you will always have doubts. I always think it takes at least twice as long to heal as to hurt. So if he's been hurting you for 4 years it will take at least 8 years of changed good behavior for you to heal. But if at any time during that 8 years you have cause for concern then your back to square one again and the clock is reset all over again. And what's also working against you is that the hurt he has caused you is going to make you hyper sensitive and paranoid so it will be easier to find things to get worried and upset about. Or you would have to shut your feelings down to avoid the anxiety and when you shut down its hard to feel anything even happiness. I think you would be better off with someone new who exhibits the same good behaviors but who has not also spent years hurting and betraying you. I speak from experience.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Your situation astounds me.. That you have lasted so long and that your still willing to muddle through..Who know if he has settled down, he may not know either.. Leopards do not change there spots, but this could be a more settled phase he's going through.. All you can do is muddle on the way your been doing..Me no matter how much I loved him, I'd been out the door eps with his behaviour with a your friend on he thought was hitting on him.. Gee that's just so insulting and down right low..There my advice.. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Yes it is possible for someone to learn their mistakes and change for real BUT:A) it is highly unlikely unless they suffered a major loss as a result of their bad ways. If they didn't suffwork loss that was significant to them as a direct consequence of their own behavior then there's no motivation to change for real and do all that work.B) the damage has already been done so even with their new better behavior and attitude it is not like a reset or a do over. Its not starting with a clean slate it is still starting from a broken one. Its important to realize this otherwise you can fall into the trap of dismissing your hurt when it is still there which is not the same as healing. Or he can assume that your hurt "should " just disappear now since the new him is treating you well and make you feel guilty for still feeling hurt. Often times it is too late for this relationship but his new better attitudes and lessons learned could make him be successful in his next relationship where there isn't hurt and brokenness caused by the old him to be overcome.So yes it is possible. But has he changed, him specifically? Too soon to tell. Especially since he didn't suffer the loss of your relationship as a consequence.If he is still abusing drugs, then I think chances are zero that his new good behavior is lasting. And he wont quit drugs just because you want him to but only if he wants to for himself. Finally I think you should reconsider marriage to this guy.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 OK here's the thing. Nobody can really tell you whether or not your boyfriend has changed because no one can possibly know what's in his mind. The bigger picture however is that you seem to have major trust issues and I doubt if you can ever get beyond them. This isn't really your fault, I mean anyone in your place would have felt this way. But can you live with this? There will always be a "what if" situation where you will constantly be in doubt.
Now its entirely up to you. Like I said earlier, no one can possibly tell if he's changed except he himself but with the rocky start that you had, there will always be doubts.
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