A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have fallen completely in love with my best friend's husband and I don't know how to stop it. It has been going on for over nine months. I love my best friend, but knowing her and him I know they have been having lots of problems (for years). They have a daughter, which makes it even more difficult, and is the primary reason they stay together even though they have both admitted to me that they are no longer "in love." I know this is a betrayal to her and I hate myself because of it. In fact, I think she even knows about us, but chooses to ignore it rather than dealing with it. Also, because I'm so close to the situation, I know, directly from her, that they have not slept together for over 6 months. This makes it difficult because it makes me believe him even more because she confirms that the things he's telling me are not lies, so I believe him when he says he loves me. I know married guys all have the same lines, but if he's not sleeping with her, their not in love, etc., maybe they aren't just lines.The thing it, when I first met him about 4 years ago, my first thought was that is exactly the type of person that I could imagine myself with. When we are together, we are such a strong unit and I feel like he is truly my soul mate. But once again, he doesn't follow through and leave her. He says because he needs to go about it the "correct way," because if it "goes down" where she finds out for certain that we were having an affair, it will destroy her. So that is the most difficult part - because I don't want her to hurt, even though I know it's inevitable. Someone has to get hurt, either me or her. Sometimes I am selfish and just want MY happy ending and other times I feel like I would rather die than do that to HER.I am so torn right now. I have told him that I no longer want to see him until he can figure things out and he has promised me that we will be together and swore on his mother that would happen. I have no one to talk to and I just want this to be over in one way shape or form. I feel so hopeless, because I know that I will never love anyone the way that I love him. He is my everything and every moment we spend apart I feel like I'm suffocating. He has told me that all he thinks about is me and how things would be if we were together and how I make him happier than he has ever been in his life. He calls me every day...I don't even know if I should stop talking to him on the phone. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Obviously it's to turn away from our relationship and never look back, but because I'm friends with his wife, if I decide to go that route than I also have to turn my back on her because I could never be around them together again because #1 it will just make me want him back and #2 it will be too painful.I wish that I could just tell myself not to love him, but you can't help who you fall in love with. It just happened and neither of us meant for it to happen. I love him so much that I would make any sacrifice to be with him, even losing my best and only friend in the world. I feel like a hateful b**** saying that, but I can't stop myself. Also, she has commented to me that she had an affair with him before he left his former wife for her (yeah, I know, what would stop him from doing it to me), so she has encouraged me in the past to pursue married men and not rule them out as an option. She has also told me that even though she is not in love with him, SHE wouldn't leave HIM because of his paycheck. I think we all deserve better and we all deserve to be happy. If she's not in love with him anymore, why is our love so wrong?
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affair, best friend, friend's husband, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): there is only one person who will come out unscathe from this mess - and it is the serial adulterer himself.
you are welcome to your friends husband but just be mindful, one day he will do the same to you as well. don't cry and ask for sympathy then, you know what you were getting into right from the start but this did not stop you helping yourself with your so called best friends husband.
in the end it is all about karma and the devastaing effects of the wheel turning. betrayal and seediness breaths the same all the time.
A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 Don't tell her whatever you do! Let him deal with his marriage, it's not your job, and if he has a shred of decency he'll be compelled to be honest with her. If he feels responsible for her because she doesn't have friends, then that tells you that he regards her as a burden. My guess is that this marriage is already gasping it's last breaths and it's just a matter of time, so there's no need for you to be dragged into it any more than you already are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): You are a woman supposedly in her thirties. You know right from wrong. We can certainly understand that you can't help who you fall in love with but you most certainly can control your actions. Now I am not going to tell you what you want to hear because the truth remains is that this is your best friend. With friends like you who needs enemies?! Even if he does get a divorce, you are not going to be able to trust him. Look at the way you got him. Upon reading your last response, this guy is NOT going to leave his wife and you know it. So instead of sitting around for a month wondering what you should do put that energy into bettering yourself and find a single man that you can enjoy all to yourself.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 October 2009):
He has to be the one to tell her. And it doesn't sound like you're going to get him to be honest, so be prepared for that too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I saw him last night and we talked for a very long time and both cried. It's not over yet, but this will be coming to some conclusion soon. He said to give him one month to figure things out. One month where we would only talk on the phone and not see each other. He's not promising that we'll be together, but he promises a resolution. He said he wants to be with me and has never been happier than when we are together.
His biggest problem is what this will do to her because she doesn't have any friends besides me. That and his daughter adores me, but obviously if I'm the witch that broke up her mother and father's marriage they will hate and resent me. I was prepared to deal with that, but I don't think he is.
I feel hopeless and devastated. I don't even want to be friends with her anymore. That upsets him because we were best friends. But I feel like if he stays with her I can't be friends with her because I'm not really a friend because I betrayed her. I feel like I would need to tell her so we could start over, if she could forgive me. But is that me being selfish again thinking that if I tell her that she will leave him? I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, but I already betrayed her. I can't pretend it never happened. And as far as he is concerned, I suppose that time will heal, but right now I feel like I'm suffocating. I can't imagine my life without him in it.
Should I wait until the end of the month to see what happens? Should I tell her now, tell her in a month, or not tell her at all?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): you really have the best of both worlds don't you - being a so called best friend and screwing her husband at the same time. do you know what the word friendship even means - definately not helping yourself to your friends husband for sure. you have been using whatever your best friend has confided in you to destory her home and her marriage. in fact i am sure you are instigating a whole lot of trouble for the two of them so that you can have your friends husband on a plate! you have invaded this womans life and home in the pretense of friendship, you defile her home and you call yourself a friend. well the old saying karma is a bitch. watch your world crumble as you continue with this despicable behaviour. the wheel will turn, you can be certain of this. you are not the first woman he has played around with, and you will certainly not be the last. i will not tell you to end your affair, since you have no idea of the concept of right from wrong. you have knowingly and deliberately decided that your best friends husband is what you want. you have only yourself to blame when the sh1t hits the fan. don't try acting like an innocent bystander then since you have been instrumental in causing so much heartache and pain. you see the transition from mistress to wife rarely happens, and when it does there is another mistress to replace the old. in your case this has never been truer. whatch the wheel turn!
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y +, writes (1 October 2009):
Hmmm, what goes around comes around. I can't answer this without being biased. As a female who has earned everything I have through my own hard work, never sponged a lifestyle off of a man, I have the utmost contempt for women who stay with men "because of the paycheque". But, in saying that, I know a hell of a lot of women do that. The way I see it, she's a freeloader, and he's not very smart of he can't figure that one out, (though it's surprising just how many men refuse to see the real reason their spouse isn't really interested in sex any longer - they actually believe she has a headache or is tired - duh). He has a responsibility to support his child, but he doesn't have an obligation to stay in an unfulfilling relationship.
If it were me, I would back off enough that I didn't lose friendship or contact, but view the situation for what it currently is, ie; a married couple who aren't ready to face reality and deal with separation and divorce. If you have already been involved with the husband, I can tell you that he is unlikely to make any move to sort out his marital issues whilst you're available to offer comfort, and you could be setting yourself up for long-term crap. If your best friend finds out and then perceives you as the last straw that finally breaks up her marriage there will be hell to pay for years, and you will be stuck with it because they have a child and that child will always be a part of his life. Best of luck dealing with it. :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 September 2009):
Well it's wrong because he's your best friend's husband and they are still married. That said, you've done the right thing by stopping him seeing you until he has left her. He MUST do that before anything happens. Don't be taken for a fool by this man, he may just be using you all. You need to wait for him to leave. Also, (I'm sure you have asked yourself this) seriously consider the implications that this man had one affair and ruined one marriage, and has now had another. The chances are you're not even the 'One'. Don't walk into a trap. And be prepared that if it does happen, you will lose your friend. Seruously think about whether you would be better off finding a better guy who will commit and not one who can't. All the best.
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