A
female
age
30-35,
*essthanthree
writes:I used to joke a lot with my best friends about growing old together as cackling cat ladies, and how we'd all live in a string of houses on adjacent properties and sit on our porches with shotguns in our laps, terrorising the neighbourhood children. I'm now 21 years old, and have never had a shred of male interest directed my way, to say nothing of boyfriends. It doesn't really bother me, because I figure it's just vanity talking, and I have conservative parents who I suspect are still vehemently opposed to the idea even now that I'm in university. Additionally, I'm not even really looking for a boyfriend because I don't think I'm mature enough to responsibly and sensitively handle such a relationship. I don't think I'm insecure necessarily, just realistic. At the very best, I'm ordinary in looks, intellect and ability. I'm a naturally reserved person so as a by-product I regrettably tend to come across as stand-offish or uncaring, which is really not the case. I value self-sufficiency, and I am rather offended by the implication from some of my more deluded male friends (which is, sadly, the vast majority of them) that a woman must let herself be rescused by men even when she is capable of defending herself in order to fulfil her role as the ideal girlfriend/wife. I don't want to date any of my male friends, but there isn't anyone else that I am currently interested in romantically either. Similarly, guys have never evinced the slightest interest in me. (True story: there was a boy who I bravely declared my affection for in the first grade. The L-word may have been thrown in. He refused to talk to me until I took it back.)I have had limited contact with my best friends from highschool since graduation, but I recently found out that they not only have boyfriends, but ex-boyfriends, and many ex-boyfriends at that. The knowledge has left me a bit... I'm not sure, really. It hasn't affected my interactions with them at all, for which I'm thankful because I wouldn't want to hurt them with my pettiness, but it bothers me on a level that I can't really understand.I'm not jealous that they've had many boyfriends, because many boyfriends means many break-ups, which tend to be messy and unpleasant (certainly I know that theirs were), and it's not a competition. I admit, the number was a bit of a shock, but maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what dating is like (I'm looking at you, Disney). And I'm not surprised that my friends have gotten a lot of attention, because one has grown up into a very clever, very pretty young lady, and the other has a truly wicked sense of humour -- so why do I feel weird about this?I know I'm not at a stable enough stage in my life for a boyfriend, and there isn't anyone that I currently would like to be my boyfriend, but the thought pops into my head again and again that my friends have had multiple relationships already whereas I barely register as a human being, and I hate that it does because it feels vain, insecure and petty, and I have never wanted to be that kind of bitter person. My question is -- how do I get over it? It shouldn't be a big deal, but it's stayed in my mind for weeks. It hasn't affected my relationship with those particular friends, but I'm worried that if I don't get this sorted now, I'll end up stewing and stewing on it until my head explodes, or until it does in some way affect our friendship, and I don't want to let it get to that point.
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best friend, insecure, jealous, neighbour, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2009):
It bothers you more than you want to let on I think.
First of all , you're a great girl! Not just ordinary! Guys like confidence and if you don't have confidence, they;ll think you're not interested in them! You have your head screwed on, and you have plans with your life, which is brilliant.
Secondly, there's no rush to find a boyfriend. Better to find the right guy once than the wrong guy twice! :)
Now it is true that some guys want to do the knight in armour thing (you're not the only one looking at disney!) However, there are guys who respect and prefer women who are independent, in control of their own lives and have plans! You're shy, so guys may not be aware that you're interested. So why don't you do something at uni where are guys would be? Join a drama class, or a choir. Anything where you have an interest that can be shared with men! You will find the right one! It'll take time, but that prince is out there. And believe me, you'll be far better off than those friends who have been used and abused. To attract guys, be where guys are and share interests with them. Lots of luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): In order to get exactly what you want out of life you have to make sure you're sending the correct message. If you value self-sufficiency and you send that message across to the people around you, then that's what you'll get: a life in which you'll get to fend off for yourself. So look yourself at the mirror and ask yourself "what message do i send? What does my appearance/attitude communicate about me?" You're probably emitting powerful "stay away" signals.
As a guy with pretty much the same problem i was actually forced to learn all this stuff the hard way. I'm not exactly qualified to give advice, since i still have a long way to go, but guys and girls operate in much different ways than they admit. Nice guys and nice girls always seem to finish last when it comes to love but the harsh truth is that they never invest that much in love to begin with (self-sufficiency, anyone?). So put that mind of yours to good use and stop fooling yourself. It would be great if you were pretty enough to be self-sufficient AND get a chance to pick any guy you want but, except a lucky 10% of the population, the rest of us have to earn our place in the dating market.
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