A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, really don't know what to do, so for the first time in my life am asking a message board for answers.Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 and half years of bliss! I really couldn't have asked for a kinder sweeter girl, especially considering when I met her she was a lot more "emo" shall we say. I knew when we got together that she was a bi-sexual and it never threw me at all. For 2 and a half years things have been perfect.Last week we went out to celebrate my best friend returning to town and we got LOADED or drunk to be more specific. A friend of my friends showed up who she was really getting a long with; she loved music, she was into working out, and she was also a bisexual (see where this is going?)After already being drunk we went to another party and drank even more and she was gone! She was stroking the girls back and being really lovey when the other girl got up took my girlfriends hand and led her to the washroom. That's when I KNEW something was going on.I got my shit and was making my way out the door when my friends stopped me to make me wait to talk it out with her. She was immediately in tears, saying she didn't do anything and not to leave her. I took her home and let her sleep.The next day she has total amnesia about the events but says even if nothing happened that she is still so sorry for doing that to me. That I'm so much better than her and that scares her after the night out. She doesn't want me to cut her out of my life. That she'll do anything to get me back. I'm going back tonight to talk about it and hopefully will get real answers.The question: If they were fooling around -which I am almost positive happened! If they didn't have sex which I know didn't happen. Should I forgive her? I love her a lot and the thought of leaving her makes me sick to my stomach as it does her.
View related questions:
best friend, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 I'm with YouWish. cheating is cheating....
I'm bisexual but in a marriage that is monogamous so NO OTHER partners. Just like a woman gives up other men and men give up other women, bisexual folks should give up same sex partners unless there is a specific agreement within the relationship PRIOR to any activity.
People who think it's ok to forgive same sex cheating are essentially saying that it's OK because it's not threatening to their relationship. It's really not true and it's insulting and it undermines everything that folks like me are working towards with marriage equality.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): cheating is cheating. Drinking is a factor but you still have cotrol. I mean you have been drunk, how many times have you cheated? Once a relationship has that in the background they are never the same. You are young and to be honest you need to stop worrying that this girl will be the only one for you.I am afraid in life we all make mistakes. However what makes us learn from these are the consequences of our actions. If you forgive her then there are no consequences. If you stay with her and make her earn your trust she will end up resenting that and probably cheat again.You are in an impossible situation but the good news is that you will move on. Just dont dwell on it. Nearly every guy, including myself, has been in your situation so don't waste your time saving your ego or fighting this battle. Just learn from all those who came before you and didnt have the strength to break up with their gfs. Honestly 99% end up the same way. It will end up as a slow dying and painful relationship that lacks trust and is laced with animosity. Oh and the 1% that do survive are in movies.
...............................
A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (4 March 2013):
You know what, if it were my gf and she had a 'little experience' with a woman, I wouldn't mind. My motto is: life is short, enjoy it while you still can.
This shows you that we all have different opinions and acceptable limits.
You shouldn't ask us if you should forgive her, but you should ask *yourself* what your limit is, if she crossed it and if you should forgive her if she did cross your limit.
It looks like both of you really don't want this to be fatal to your relationship. I wouldn't give on her yet but that's just my opinion.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 March 2013):
Well, what this means is that you probably can't trust her to be drinking by herself. Certain types of cheating are forgivable in my opinion, but I don't think it'd want her to be drinking very much anymore.
If you forgive her don't do it unconditionally. She needs to EARN your trust and forgiveness.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 "she loved music, she was into working out, and she was also a bisexual (see where this is going?)"
No, not really, as tons of girls who are straight kiss each other too... In addition I have several bisexual friends and we don't all go around humping each other just because we're bisexuals.
You don't know what happened. They probably didn't have sex, but then again who knows. Depends on how long they were gone I guess, but then again I once took a guy to the bathroom and gave him a3 min bj, then he went down on me for like 3 min and we were out of the bathroom again. So these things don't need to take long..
Can you live with never knowing? I guess that's what it comes down to. Can you forgive what might have happened? Can you live with never knowing how far she went, or if she even cheated at all? Although, I think it's a pretty sure thing that she cheated in one form or another since she was feeling so guilty afterwards and started crying. Something went down!
Then again... she could be feeling guilty for having wanted to kiss her, for making the moves on her, for going to the bathroom with her. Maybe nothing physical happened, but she wanted something to happen since she was feeling this woman up. And that in itself was crossing a line.
I think you and her should talk about this some more, and then take some time to think about things before you make any decisions. She needs time to think about her actions, what they mean, if she'll do it again, how she feels about you, and what she actually wants. No point in continuing the relationship if she's secretly wanting out. Better then to end things now.
And you need time to process this. To think about what you want, what you can live with, how you can move forward from here. Right now both her and you are desperate to hold on, because it hurts to break up. The very thought is scary. But don't be so scared that you can't see what's best for both you and her. Think about whether or not you can continue from here, or if this will be too much of a problem in your relationship. If this will torment you for years to come.. then maybe you shouldn't continue the relationship. Not to punish her, but to save both yourself and her the misery of continuing when it just hurts. If you're going to be constantly suspicious, or if you'll never allow her to speak to other women again... Then this can't continue.
So think about it, there's no need to rush the decision.
I will end this by saying that sometimes.. things that seem big here and now are small when you look back at them. I had a boyfriend who once kissed my brother at a party. It was a goofy thing to show off, but still. It was a kiss, and my own brother of all things. And they were both bicurious. Yet it turned out to be no big deal, although a shock right then and there. It's the same with other things, right now you're imagining the worst, and it seems almost unbearable and impossible to get through. But maybe you do pull through, and maybe it was a one time thing, and maybe two years from now you look back and barely remember it. Only YOU decide how big of a deal this is to you, and only YOU decide how you should react. Some people will tell you to end things because she cheated, others will tell you it didn't matter at all because maybe nothing happened. But this is between you and her, and about what the two of you want to do and how you want to proceed from here. How you want to react is your choice.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Would you be angry if she was fooling around with another man? Of course you would be. Cheating is cheating, and she was cheating! She shouldn't have had intimate contact with another woman any more than she should with another man.
Being bi-sexual doesn't mean you *have* to have sexual contact with men and women at the same time. It means that both genders are attractive to you. Same rules apply -- if you're with someone exclusively, to play around with anyone no matter what gender is disloyalty and cheating.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 March 2013):
 You have to treat that as cheating and the gender doesn't matter. When she is sober she might not have done that but alcohol brings out our true selves and lowers inhibitions. Okay she is bisexual but there are many kinds of bisexual. You can be sexually attracted to the same sex, but not emotionally attracted. You can be sexually and emotionally attracted to both sexes. There are several more combinations you can figure that out. There are bisexuals who are capable of having straight monogamous relationships. There are those who can't live without exploring other people.
Forgiving is not that simple, before you know if your relationship works for each other. Does she love men, physically, and emotionally enough that she does not need to bother with women? Does she enjoy sex with you? Can she solely share your body with you without having to fantasize about a girl?
You say she will do anything to get back with you. So tell her to stop drinking and limit her night time activities to a minimum.
...............................
|
