A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 year old woman, I have been told that I am good looking, smart and can talk to anybody..if this is the case why do men never seem to approach me? they always come up to my friends.the only guy i think i truely love is one of my best friends..he used to have a massive crush on me..he said im the most amazing person he has ever met but he does not want to take it further because I am still a virgin and he does not want me and him to sleep together and then I would feel "dissappointed" after it.. he always tries to kiss me/hug and act like a boyfriend..I love him with all my heart and I never want to lose him..we are like the same person..i could tell him ANYTHING.any ideas on what to do? should i walk away from this situation..is that why guys dont approach me because i know in my heart theres only one guy for me??
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Hi there!
I am curious to find out why it is that you want men to approach you. You know, you can approach them too. Waiting for them to come to you - you are looking at a looooooooong wait. The man is not supposed to take the reigns every time. We can and should do it too. If you have been told that you are smart, pretty and outspoken, what man wouldn't want you to approach him? Just be yourself and go for it. And remember, the fact that people tell you that you have all these wonderful qualities is not the most important point - YOU need to see said qualities in yourself. When you are in good terms with yourself, it won't matter if everyone doesn't mirror it back to you. You won't need the reassurance if you like being who you are. It makes the approaching thing a lot easier too; for you and the men.
Now, about your friend. You asked if he having a hold on your heart might be the reason why men don't initiate contact with you. I think it might a reason why you don't LET them approach you. (a.k.a you might be subconsciously signaling them that your heart is not available. ) Or perhaps you partly don't even want them to come to you. I think a part of you wants to hold on to the possibility of you and your friend being together, whilst another part wants to break free and explore other options. I understand that when you love someone in a situation like this it somehow feels safe to hang on to your feelings. If the situation doesn't change and neither of you become attached to other people, the possibility, the "what if" is still there. The thought of going out with another guy may feel like it is "the end of an era" and it might make you wonder things like "well if I love this friend of mine, why would I go out with someone who would clearly be second best?" And then again, "am I missing out on something or someone out there if I wait for the two of us to become a couple?" I've been there and I understand the contradiction and the mixed feelings, believe you me. These are tough and delicate situations and the unfortunate truth is that you and only you can change the way things are.
You love that guy, right? And you can tell him anything? Then tell him. Tell him that the situation is confusing you. With all probability, it is confusing him too. Of course it would be preferable for you to figure out first what it is that you actually want - before you share your thougths with him. But that is not always a possibility.
The fact that this guy refuses to sleep with you because he is worried about how you would feel buys him some extra points. It shows that he cares about you and doesn't treat the thought of being your first lover lightly. (Despite of of what some might say, there really are a lot of men out there who do not regard losing one's virginity as just something you need to do and get over with.) He is being responsible and looking after your feelings which is great. And I bet it makes you fancy him even more :)
You say he behaves as if he were your boyfriend. Here's a crazy thought: what is stopping him from being just that? If you want to take the plunge and find out once and for all what is really going on, you can ask him just that. "You act like you're my bf. So why are you not my bf?"
And yes, I can see another scare factor in there too. I understand that you fear losing him as a friend too - he might be scared of that too. Again, talk to him! Tell him your fears and your wishes. He probably has a thing or two to say as well.
It is scary to take the bull by the horns in a situation like this and one has all kinds of doubts, I know. But isn't it even scarier to always be wondering what could've been, never getting the whole picture together? Isn't it better to find out where you stand, even if things don't turn out the way you want them to?
You and only you know what you are and what you are not ready for. Bear that in mind.
Finally, I hope you find your answers, I wish you good luck and loads of courage, be brave and be yourself, take care and remember to love yourself!
Loads of hugs
Lorelai
xxx
A
male
reader, Everoth  +, writes (16 October 2008):
 your friend is being silly. maybe you're just so wonderful he has a hard time seeing himself with you, i know some girls have that problem. try to convince him others and to see sense if you guys are this close already. maybe guys are just intimidated or feel you already have someone as well, that is the case some of the time
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