A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So about a 3 weeks ago, I had a friend of a friend who was visiting from overseas. We had sex, and although I've been on birth control for about four years, we did not use a condom.I was supposed to get my period this week, but did not. He is the only guy I've slept with recently, so I know that if I am pregnant, it is with him. We are both in college with completely separate lives, and although we have the option of being in contact, it was a mutual understanding that we would continue with our lives outside of each other. If we ever see each other again then we do, if we don't then we don't.My question is this: if my pregnancy test does in fact turn up positive, should I tell him or not? Being that I am 21 and about to graduate from college, I am in no way ready to support myself and a child, and am fully prepared (mentally, physically, emotionally) to have an abortion. Based on our situation, should I contact him and tell him I'm pregnant if I am? I guess what I'm afraid of is his possibly wanting to keep the child, while I do not want to.Is it my choice since we agreed to live our own lives, or do I tell him and risk either him wanting it or wrecking his/my future? Also, is it within reason to ask for monetary help to pay for the abortion?I'm just so confused, given that I've been on birth control for so long I never even considered the possibility of this happening before, let along in these circumstances. Thank you in advance!-Confused and lost
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 It is well within reason to ask for him to help pay for a possible abortion, IF he also agrees to have the abortion. If he does not agree that you should have an abortion I think it'd be a bad idea to ask him for money to do it anyway.
Take a pregnancy test first though. There is absolutely no point on wondering what to do when you don't even know yet if you are pregnant. If you ARE pregnant you need to see your doctor. I suggest you ask your doctor for any support groups/places to call for advice on what to do. Tell your doctor you are considering an abortion and say that you want more information to make the right choice for you.
Talking to your doctor or a nurse about it might help you figure out what to do about the boy you had sex with, how you should tell him, if at all you tell him.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I agree with Cerberus and HoneyPie. If you want him to pay half the abortion you should tell him, otherwise I don't see the need if you'll never see him again. He's an ass if he won't since it's half his doing. BUT before you jump to any conclusions, you should take a pregnancy test and continue to take the pill. It's pretty common to miss a period while on the pill. The "period" you get while on the pill isn't actually a period at all, it's technically a withdrawal bleed having nothing to do with your cycle. So check first. If you've been taking the pill correctly, have not been on antibiotics, and have not had any stomach issues (such as vomiting or diarrhea that can make it ineffective), the odds of the pill failing are very low. So be sure to take multiple tests to confirm you are pregnant.
I don't see how it's the woman's responsibility to foot the entire bill for the abortion simply because it's her body. We're not talking $20, they are somewhat expensive. And in my country anti-abortion activists have prevented any government aid from paying a penny towards helping women have them. Pregnancies take two to tango, women shouldn't be punished just because they are the ones who get pregnant.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Sometimes an occasional issue, like vomiting, can interrupt the action of the pill. Or you may have inadvertently left too long a gap between taking the pill. Such things happen. And this your contraceptive failed to work.And he did not bother with a condon, though you should have insisted on it to prevent any Sexually Transmitted disease.And he also did not feel the need to wear a condon because he thought you were on the pill.And you thought you could not get pregnant, as you are/were on the pill. So you had no intention of getting pregnant.And emotionally you were not bound to the guy you had sex with, it was just a short term connection, rather than a relationship.In the circumstances an abortion is a sensible safe option. Visit the Doctor as soon as possible.Arrange the abortion and talk to the counsellor prior to the abortion. The counsellor will confirm that abortion is a safe reliable safe medical procedure. Just as people have day surgery for all manner of other medical issues. Your body will quickly recover.And you can get on with your life.Yes the cost of the abortion (not a huge cost) is one you do need to cover. If you think you cannot afford the full cost speak to the Doctor. The cost is very reasonable. After the abortion you definitely do not need to inform anyone.it is your body and your privacy.And as you hardly know the young man in question you do not know how he will treat the information. Boast about it on FaceBook? broadcast it on twitter? You don't need that.he will not thank you for telling him. But if you must then leave telling him until you think it is a convenient time. Personally I would not tell anyone.Because once two people know private information it is no longer private. Choose a nice kind caring Doctor who explains the process. And keeps you well informed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): HoneyPie is right actually OP, no point in worrying until you've taken at least three different tests. (Just to be sure) False negatives and positives can occur. But the chances of the results on three kits being wrong is exceptionally low.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I think you need to tell him, and yes he ought to pay half the costs.
No more sex without condoms! Even they can fail, but the change of condom + pill failing is very tiny!
I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
One thing I want to say, stress can also make the period stay away, so until you take the test, don't tell him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Unless you want him to pay half the cost of the abortion then there's no need to tell him, unless of course you want to.
Firstly it was just a one night stand, you've both decided that's all it will be and there will be nothing more. So you don't owe him anything, this is not a boyfriend or even a close friend that you should tell. He's technically nothing more than a one-night stand.
Secondly if I was in that situation, the exact same situation here I'd rather not know unless the woman wanted me to pay half of the abortion and in that case it would be my duty to do so, only a wretch of a man would not agree to that if he agreed with the idea of having one. What's the point in me knowing? It was a one night stand, it was a fun night with a nice girl but now I've moved on. If you're pregnant and you're getting rid of the baby then there's no reason to tell him. It's none of his business unless you decide to keep the baby, simple as that. I mean if you got a yeast infection after having sex with him, would he need to know? No, then he doesn't need to know this either.
OP the only two reasons for telling him are A. you want to get it off your chest and B. you want him to pay for half of the abortion and no it's not cheeky OP, if K_C100 thinks it's 50% his to the point where he deserves to know, even to the point where it may hurt him to think his child is being aborted, then surely he's 50% responsible for what happens to it. You can't have one without the other.
To recap, only tell him if you feel like it, he doesn't have any right to know at all, especially when he's not going to have any say in what happens. It would serve no purpose but may actually cause major hassle. Secondly if you want him to pay half then this is half his responsibility, no contraception is 100% effective so he knew the risks and should pay up if you want him to. He certainly would have to pay if you kept it, an abortion is thousands of times cheaper.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 You do have to tell him, this baby, while in your body, is still 50% his so it is the right thing to do to tell him. It may be a bit of a pointless thing to do, because at the end of the day you have made your mind up - but out of courtesy you should tell him.
Hopefully he will agree, and chances are if he is the sort of guy that has casual sex he is not going to take the moral high ground on this issue. If he does say he wants to keep it - explain your reasons and apologise, but be clear there is no way he can change your mind.
As for asking for money for the abortion - I think that is a bit cheeky personally. You have made the choice for an abortion, and you are responsible for your own body so you are the one that should pay for it. Yes he should have put a condom on, he is responsible from that point of view - but I presume you told him you were on the pill so he would not be expecting to be hit with a bill for an abortion!
One last thing - dont forget to get an STD test as you have had unprotected sex.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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