A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So im 27, never had a relationship, g/f, kissed, sex, etc...So i went out last night with a friend that ive had a crush on for 12 years and it just tears me up inside knowing that she is just my friend. If i tell her that over the years the reason why i haven't bothered to meet anyone is because ive hoped to be with her, she'll never talk to me again. And i feel so lead on and betrayed, she just ends up using me for my advice, and then she'll just go behind my back dating, flirting, or sleeping with guys. Do i just tell her flat out the answer to her age old question "why dont i ever see you with any girl?" that "sorry, but i choose not to because im waiting for you to notice me." I dont want to lose a friend, but at the same time, im troed of her just leading me around.
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crush, flirt, notice me Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2015): if she truly cared, then this wouldn't matter to her
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (11 August 2013):
 You've been waiting for the same girl to like you for TWELVE years?!
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news here, but that isn't going to happen. I don't recommend you tell her that you've been crushing on her for the last 12 years either because, unless you live in a fairy tale/Hollywood universe, it isn't going to change the dynamic of your relationship. It may even end things all together when she realizes that you've been less of a friend all these years and more of a guy who's silently pursuing her.
Have you never had any interest in any other women at all?
I actually think that it is YOU who should take a step back from the "friendship" so that you can open your eyes to the vast world of dating potential. It's not healthy to focus so narrowly the way you've been on this woman (or any one thing at all, for that matter), and it's time that you cast your net much, much wider.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (11 August 2013):
 Not saying boo to her about your true feelings is a lie you perpetrate on your friendship with this girl. As long as you don't say anything you can continue this ever more dark fantasy. I know people like you. I point out to such people that their fantasies are built upon assumption after assumption, never doing the hard work of a reality check on those assumptions. Such is the case with your feelings of betrayal. How can someone who knows nothing about the conversation inside your head expect to defend a betrayal she isn't even aware of? How convenient it is for you to simultaneously make the object of your affection the object of your frustration.
If you really want the truth of where you stand you will bare all to this girl. Or you can continue to live in the fantasy and keep this girl completely in the dark.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 August 2013):
 To be fair, you haven't said anything to her for all this time. Open your freakin' mouth! Could be that she thinks that this is friendship - that maybe you're attracted to her, but how in the world could she know that you're WAITING for her, when you've never mentioned anything about having feelings for her?
I think it's unfair to be harboring all these bitter and angry feelings towards her, when you haven't approached her at all. She has never rejected you because you've never asked. She's not going behind your back with men - she's perfectly single, she can do as she please. Don't you see that she owes you absolutely no commitment?
I think that you owe it to yourself to answer her question and to tell her that you have feelings for her. Give her the chance to react, and if she's not interested in giving anything further than friendship a shot - you need to move on. You have wasted twelve years waiting for something that may never happen. You deserve to have someone special who cares - but next time, please open your mouth and say something instead of waiting for her to make the first move!!
Good luck, sweet!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): She has considered you just a friend, because that's all she sees in you.
I'm afraid it will look pretty creepy to her that you've put life on hold all these years; and never asked for a date from the beginning. You don't even date other women!
Trust me, she is totally aware of your crush. The fact she has never encouraged anything beyond friendship, is because she doesn't feel anything more.
You really need to get out more. It is unhealthy to obsess over one person to the degree that you have no interest in anyone else, for as long as you have.
That means you lack a lot of maturity. Even if you told her how you feel, it wouldn't work out due to your arrested development. You have no idea what you would feel for anyone else by closing yourself off. That is so weird.
You've spend a dozen years cultivating an infatuation; and not dating other females. Keeping all other women at bey, and offering nothing to exercise your feelings outside of this infatuation.
You've never allowed yourself to open up, and interact with other women. You lack the courage and maturity it takes to extend your feelings; because you never practiced even trial dating with other females.
You obsess on her; because she is close and convenient. It requires no effort to be with her.
Brave the rejection and awkwardness of just trying to meet someone else.
Develop your interactive skills with women, and learn from being with someone who feels the same attraction. Make yourself available emotionally and mentally for single women outside of this friendship.
Don't risk making your friendship awkward, by laying a crush on someone after 12 years. If you had dated on and off in between, it would have come off so much healthier.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): "she just ends up using me for my advice, and then she'll just go behind my back dating, flirting, or sleeping with guys."
Using you for advice? Er, maybe she sees you as a friend and values your opinion and wants your advice on things? Don't tell me you're one of those "nice guys" who say "I'm always there for her, yet she goes and dates other guys."
Like R1 said, if she hasn't asked you out in 12 years, maybe it's high time to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): I've had something happen to me recently, except the amount of time i "waited" for this person was smaller. I kept waiting something would happen too and i know how frustrating it gets. So what i say to you, is that is probably time to move on. It's cold hard truth. It's going to be hard, very hard, trust me, but in order to be happy some day, you have to move on. I'm not saying you have to do this over night, and that you are going to find happiness right away but take your time to "grieve" this you know... Sometimes the hardest part is admitting to yourself that nothing will happen. I needed to hear it from someone else's mouth. But the first and most important step is actually admitting it to yourself. Other thing that would probably help is telling her how you feel. I know you probably don't want to do this and i understand you don't want to lose her friendship, but it will give you closure, and it doesn't necessarily means you have to lose her completely. It will probably create some distance, yes, but that is a risk you have to take. If you can't find the courage to ask her directly try and find a less direct way of asking her if she would ever date you, like in a playful way perhaps. A life filled with frustration and despair is no life for anyone and i'm sure you deserve much better.best of luck xx
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 How is she leading you on? If she hasn't asked you out in 12 years I'm pretty sure she isn't interested. You need to move on. She probably thinks you are a true friend and not just hanging around because you are attracted to her.
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